by Aldrich Unther, MPI News Reporter

     Newyork, Newyork--In what NYFD officials are calling an "unexpected turn of events," rescue workers have recovered nine virtually intact bodies from the WTC site over the last 24 hours.
     "I don't know if it's a Christmas miracle or a Christmas nightmare," said NYFD public affairs specialist Mark Ruffle. "It's as if these victims somehow floated up to the surface from some still buried stronghold. Some of them aren't even dusty."
     Police are still withholding the names of the newly discovered victims, pending notification of the families, although identification is not proving an issue in these new cases. All were reportedly found with personal identification in their clothes.
     The first of the puzzling remains was uncovered at 6 am yesterday, December 23rd, by a bulldozer operator. "I saw it from my cab about a hundred yards away," said the operator, who asked to remain anonymous. "It was bright white and shining almost. You couldn't miss it."
      All nine were found within a few hours of each other. While all did exhibit some sort of trauma--a few had small penetrating wounds almost like bullet-holes and several others had contusions and abrasions principally in the throat region--a spokesman for the coroner's office confessed bewilderment about the excellent state of preservation of the bodies.
      "You could swear they just died," said Dr. Rawalpindi Gupta. "That's how beautifully breserved they are."
      Support groups have already been notified and are meeting to decide how to break the news to the affected families. "Sadly, none of these victims are on our missing persons lists," said Ruth Nickelman, President of the Ground Zero Society Support Team, "so the shock is bound to be terrible. We'll just have to do our best to be there for them.
     "Thankfully, there's at least one agony they'll be spared," Ms. Nickelman added. "Since the federal government announced its compensation package two days ago, they'll have the comfort of knowing the financial side of their loss will be taken care of. It may be a small comfort, but it's better than nothing, isn't it?"

by Calley Winsock, MPI Feature Reporter

     Joisey City, New Joisey--A depressing Yuletide season was made more so this week by a department store Santa who allegedly told children there would be no Christmas this year because he was mad at Ameria.
     "He was actually scary," said outraged mother of two, Clarice Wilbur. "He told my twin three-year-olds they didn't deserve any presents and said the only thing he'd be bringing in his sleigh this year was 'death and destruction, which would rain down on the chimneys of Ameria.' I heard him with my own ears."
     Clarice and dozens of other mothers and their kids had come to the Joisey City Lo-Mart for the traditional rite of meeting the legendary 'jolly old elf' in person. 
     After fifteen or more toddlers broke down in tears, angry mothers confronted a bewildered store manager, William Burble, 36, who dismissed the disgruntled Santa on the spot.
     "We had no idea what he was going to do," Burble said. "I won't say I didn't have misgivings about hiring him. He was way too tall, for one thing. And his English wasn't great, either.
     "But we live in an ethnically diverse community," Burble explained. "According to Lo-Mart EEO policies I couldn't refuse to hire him just because he had an accent. How was I to know he was going to be mean to the kids? I thought he needed the job and would try hard."
    Annette Treefall, 29, was one of several irate mothers who weren't satisfied with mere dismissal of the offending Santa. They demanded that Burble call the police.
    Officers responding to the call were sympathetic but insisted there was nothing they could charge the Lo-Mart Scrooge with. "It's not like he actually slapped a kid," police said.
    Treefall disagrees. "He ruined Christmas for my child," she said. "Maybe for all these kids. Maybe forever. How can they ever believe in Santa again? I think he's a terrorist."
     Lo-Mart offered free gifts from its toy department to all the traumatized children, and police officers lingered to hand them out.
    "It's a shame," said store manager Burble. "I wish it hadn't happened. But how was I to know?"
    The name of the sinister Santa was withheld because he was not charged in the incident, although Burble volunteered a display photo (above) taken in the store because it was the property of Lo-Mart.
    The current whereabouts of the discharged Santa are unknown. Let's hope he retires from a profession for which he is entirely unsuited.