Moon Press International   The Preferred News Wire of Shuteye Nation  

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  May 2, 2000

TWO SERIOUS NEW HEALTH THREATS FLAGGED BY CDC
    MPI Wire—The Centers for Disease Control in Alanta have just released their list of the fastest growing epidemics to threaten Amerian health in the new millennium. Tops on the list are Teenage Narcoleptic Syndrome (TANS) and Bacterial Urinary Nerve Syndrome (BURNS). In third place and falling is AIDS, expected to be replaced on next year’s list by such old reliables as Ebola and Mad Cow Disease.
   TANS is a dangerous malady of unknown cause, affecting an estimated three million Amerian teenagers. Symptoms include frequent, unintended episodes of sleep, as well as frequent lapses into trance consciousness, which is neither sleep nor waking consciousness.
   The peril posed by TANS can be seen, according to a CDC spokesperson, in the grim statistics of teenage automotive accidents. The number one cause of such accidents is falling asleep at the wheel.
   Researchers are working hard to isolate a cause for TANS but have been unable to verify or disprove the evidence that it is a sexually transmitted viral infection.
   BURNS is another rapidly spreading infection, although its cause is known to be bacterial. Symptoms consist initially of burning sensations during urination, followed by loss of feeling in urinary nerves, leading to uncontrolled urination. BURNS may affect persons of both sexes and any age. No treatment has yet been discovered.
   The shocking increase in BURNS cases, up a reported 300 percent in 1999 alone, is believed to be due to the decline in traditional bathroom hygiene. “People are simply not washing their hands after performing routine urination,” said the CDC spokesperson.
   Until cures for TANS and BURNS can be identified, the CDC is recommending strong legislative measures to prevent further spread of the infections.
   To forestall deaths due to TANS, the CDC proposes raising driving ages to a nationally mandated minimum of twenty-one, as well as imposing strict new licensing and use regulations on a variety of machinery and equipment, including home appliances such as stoves, garbage disposals, lawnmowers, and weed wackers.
    “We sympathize with parents’ desire to have their kids perform chores,” said the CDC spokesperson, “but we must all be prepared to care for our children a while longer, at least until they reach voting age.”
   The recommended preventive for BURNS is installation and continuous monitoring of bathroom video cameras, with serious fines levied for failures of urinary hygiene.
   “We appreciate the privacy issues involved,” said the CDC spokesperson, “but in matters of national health, some compromise and sacrifice are justified. “In fact, we are considering proposing installation of home video cameras to aid in the enforcement of our anti-TANS measures as well.
   “We just can’t afford to take chances with the health of our kids.”

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