Confession

I’ve always been the smartest guy in the room. Waited for decades to see it otherwise. Hoping it might be otherwise.

Never wanted to be. Not saying there weren’t physics geniuses who could talk string theory till my eyes bubbled. But I had a sense of string theory before I even read about it. Dimensions multiplicative.

Why this Diary. Last chance for anyone to understand. I hold the entire western civilization thing in my head at the same time, see all the connections, understand what is happening. I see why the experts are kindergarten minds, half-educated clowns. First grader journalists are smart, usually with degrees from Brown and Harvard. Castro, Chavez, and Obama have that ineffable I’ll-kill-you-and-you’ll-still-love-me charisma. What a bunch of losers smart infants are.

Don’t expect you to believe it. Wouldn’t say this if I hadn’t already proved it. I have. It’s just that nobody forgives you. They expect you to make allowances for them. What this website is about. I know all your arguments already. I’ve heard them all. I’ve refuted or crushed them all. I’ve anticipated all your rebuttals.

Smart people play chess, or so we’re told. All those manifold moves. I never played chess. Such a tiny board.

How can I show you how big the realm of consciousness is? Can’t. So. Go to Instapunk for another slice and dice fraction of the universe.

4 thoughts on “Confession

  1. “How can I show you how big the realm of consciousness is? Can’t.”

    I never know to what extent these messages apply to me, but being unmoved by the ineffable charisma of Castro, Chavez, and Obama, I’m hoping I didn’t provoke this.

    Anyhow, you can do it better than most who have set out to. Being able to show it doesn’t mean all of us will be able to see it.

  2. Just to answer the questions before they’re asked, or thought, or used as silent dismissal. Yeah, I qualified for Double Mensa. Got the invitation. Never went to a meeting. Shouldn’t have taken the test at all. But I was 20 and really really dumb.

    Mostly they play chess and other games. The only games I’ve played a lot are Monopoly, which I cheated to lose at to keep my sister playing when I was a kid, and Anagrams, which my dad quit playing when I started winning. Games are the enemy of people like me. How come you suck at chess? Because it bores me to death. Aha! To which I respond, Aha! Focus, focus, focus. I’m always focused. Just can’t ever bring myself to regard chess as anything but a kind of funny blur.

    Only one time I ever felt bad about that. My granddad had taught me the moves of the pieces, but he was as bored as I was by the game tself. In college I met the guy the movies have insistently insisted on — the black man who had higher SAT scores than mine who was lonely and wanted a chess friend. He was so disappointed. You don’t even know how to open, he said. And you don’t even care. I had hopes for you.

    I was 17. My only defense. I should have made a study of the game, but there was no internet then, and I actually HATED chess. I was an asshole. I should have invested the time and energy to become Duane’s friend. But chess was beneath me..

    You kids. Here we sit. 40 years later. You will remember what you’re doing thoughtlessly right now. Maybe that’s what I should be focusing on here. Life is not an accounting exercise: last in, last out. It’s way more complicated than that.

    • I’m not a chess guy either, but I do love a great variety of games – words, numbers, pieces, dice, cards, physical or digital, I’ll take them all. Liz and I play games against each other nightly during the quiet days, it keeps our relationship spicy and competitive in a friendly way. Otherwise, we might fight for fun, but that’s no good.

      Ever play Go? Supposedly infinite board… but pretty boring pieces. Who’s right? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-C1cpG6TLc

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