The Kelly Files

Another Fox Thing.

Another Fox Thing. Have to say, I’m unmoved.

Hot? I’m not buying it. Go-for-the-jugular lawyers are never really hot. Fox has lots of blondes I prefer. Heather Knauert is nicely pneumatic. Ainsley Earhardt is sweet and reliably bakes cookies for everyone. Dana Perino is a relentlessly polite dunce who should learn how to bake cookies. Gretchen Carlson is dumb as a rock but still has great cheekbones on top of her childbearing hips. Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a semi-celebrity with the IQ and pluck of a reality show contestant. Alisyn Camerota is hopeless in every respect but at least she’s honest about what a high maintenance spouse she is. Martha McCallum, on the other hand, is first rate in every respect but, uh, ten years older than Megyn Kelly.

Starting to catch the drift here? Megyn Kelly is… desirous of being a star. She learned tactlessness and nonlistening skills from Bill O’Reilly, filibustering from Sean Hannity, transparent unctuousness from Greta van Susteren, and being full of herself for no particular reason from Shepard Smith. What a doll.

Importantly, she’s up against MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow and CNN’s Piers Morgan in the nine o’clock hour. Hard edged as she is, she’s no lesbian but the mother of three children. Touchdown! And she’s also not a halfwit Brit pantywaist. Touchdown! Not a Rhodes scholar either, but who cares? Pretty good chance Bill O’Reilly’s connections can get her into Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government so she can start claiming, as Marist grad O’Reilly always does, that (s)he’s a Harvard man, er, Harvard working mom. See?

I’m sure she’s smart and capable enough to have a run in prime time. What I wonder is whether there’s really anything exceptional about her. She’s sitting in a hammock between O’Reilly and Hannity, who are both exceptional. O’Reilly has charisma, a gravitas that oddly transcends his intellect. Hannity has a sunny, perseverant nature that enables him to work and dig and keep at it like some kind of conservative bulldozer, no matter how grim or tiresome things get, as well as be emcee of every kind of forum; he’s the perfect game show host of political punditry. Greta, who’s now — let’s face it — been bumped to below prime time, is only twice as smart and accomplished as Megyn, but I’ve never seen her legs and don’t want to.

Does this make Megyn Kelly a smart move for Fox News? Maybe. Does it make her a good move? Not necessarily. Being combative is not the same thing as being insightful. Being pretty is not the same thing as being attractive over the long term. If she gains fifty pounds will we still want to watch her interrogating fat congressmen with toupees?

If they wanted a blonde in the nine o’clock hour, it should have been Martha McCallum. Why? Because I’d still watch her clever eyes and careful questions even if she did get fat. Think about it.

In preparation, Martha McCallum posed for this as her ultimate glamor shot.

Oddly, no teddy.

Oddly, no teddy.

Don’t get me wrong. I wish Megyn Kelly well. I’m just not sure she’s up to it. Part of why I continue to harbor strong doubts about the soundness of the Fox News Channel. The other part being their continuing, baffling, total inability to spell anything more ambitious than “cat” in their onscreen graphics. Maybe Lincon can forgive them, or Coolige, but not me. I’m a hard ass.

Oh. Kimberley Guilfoyle is okay. Her implants aren’t as ridiculous as Andrea Tantaros’s. But they’re brunettes and therefore irrelevant. The Hispanic chick — uh, Julia Banderas — is okay too, smart, aggressive, and sexy, even when she’s pregnant. But irrelevant. Just like Harris Faulkner and Lauren Green — because, you know. Are we clear here?

Actually, why are blondes better than brunettes in any objective sense? I’m thinking I might rather have dinner in the Rainbow Room with Harris, Lauren, and Nicole Petallides than with any of those blondes up top. And Julia Banderas if she’s through being pregnant for the moment. Kimberley Guilfoyle not so much. She can stay home with Andrea, lying to their friends about how much they adore Bob Beckel.

Don’t get excited. I’m not trying to start anything lurid. Blondes yell about what people are wearing. Brunettes yell about what people are doing. More interesting. Redheads watch who people are being. I’d have one of those by my side for protection. She’d make sure I wasn’t being bad, I suppose. More vitally, she’d back up my excuse for leaving when all the yelling gets too loud.

It always does. Are boobs actually advanced bio-tech, treble loudspeakers?

Forget I asked that.

Never mind.

6 thoughts on “The Kelly Files

  1. Wow, I forgot Martha was that hot. I’d go with her, too. I agree with your thoughts on Megyn. Then again, I’ve been happily living w/out pay TV for almost a year now, so they probably don’t care what I think.

    Also, I’ve had a huge crush on Julia Banderas for many years now. Always preferred brunettes, myself.

  2. I did not expect to ever say this in my lifetime, RL, but you are wrong. Gentlemen, let Martha McCallum bear your children; I can understand that. But for verve, intelligence and charisma, Megyn Kelly is the best person at Fox — male or female — and deserves the prime spot she’s gained. I’m not much swayed by female dimples and legs, hair color or chests, so my opinion is untainted and therefore correct. This I will admit, though: I saw her new show for the first time tonight — have been traveling where there was no TV reception — and found it more O’Reilly-Hannity formulaic than was her former presentation. I’m hopeful she’ll resist and won’t let herself become zombied by the mucka-mucks. Greta Van Susteren is the only other Fox personality I can tolerate watching. Being homely is an advantage sometimes.

    • Lady Barbara — you spend the first half of your comment upbraiding me and the second half proving me right. You really should prefer Martha McCallum. She’s smart, mature, measured, and educated. I was, in case you missed it, trying to take chests and such out of the picture.

      Give the post another read. The point of the McCallum pic was not her figure but the fact she wasn’t posing for Vogue or Vanity Fair. Megyn Kelly is 90 percent brass and 10 percent brains. The worse for all of us.

  3. RL: I agree w/ all your thoughts & comments on this blog/ thread except there is only a 6 year age difference between classy Martha and slutty Kelly vs 10. I’ve thought all your other thoughts above for years.

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