Jeb. Boring RINO with more baggage than anyone could overcome.
Huckabee. Nobody wants an evangelistic corncob.
Rand Paul. This one makes me mad. Conservatives are supposed to be judges of character. Creepy. Adolescent in his foreign policy. I’d actually vote for Hillary first. Or, more likely, stay home. (Stop it! He’s the worst wrong turn we could make!)
Rick Perry. Two dumb presidents in a row. Don’t need a third.
Mike Pence. Probably a good man. But dull. Dull doesn’t work anymore.
Bobby Jindal. Make a decent president. Can’t be elected. Looks like Mole from Wind in the Willows.
Ted Cruz. Not his cycle. Too smart for his opposition, but also probably too smart for his own good.
Chris Christie. Fuggeddaboutit..
Others. Well, there is only one:
I am declaring today my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.
I know a lot of you think I’m too damaged as a politician to run. I would argue I’m the best to run. The Democrats and the left have already expended all their ammunition against me. They have questioned everything about me, including whether I’m the mother of my fifth child. War on women? I am the survivor. Still here.
I know I’m supposed to be inexperienced. Hillary Clinton is supposed to be experienced. She went to Wellesley and Yale Law School. She was the First Lady of Arkansas. Cool. She was the wife of the President of the United States. Cool. She tried out an early version of ObamaCare in congress, but nobody wanted it. She ran for president and lost. To the worst president we have ever had in the history of the nation. She was the Secretary of State and cannot name a single accomplishment in that office. Other than a million frequent flyer miles.
So you want her now because after throwing the dice and having lost on purely politically correct grounds, we have another PC opportunity — this time to elect a female president. Who should, somehow, be Hillary.
Time for some confessions. I didn’t go to any Ivy League universities. I’m not one of the ordained political class which knows it has the right to rule the rest of you. None of my fathers or uncles or grandfathers are ex-Presidents, senators or heirs of Standard Oil or U.S. Steel. None of my family went to Harvard, Yale, or Princeton. Sorry if I don’t feel at all sad about that. Actually, I’m proud. Ronald Reagan went to a place called Eureka College. He never got the memo that America was supposed to be run by the elite sons and daughters of the most expensive schools. Neither did I.
I’m just the only person in the race who has ever been on the ticket for the vice presidency of the United States. Do you imagine that’s not an experience? State to state, town to town, hearing what everybody has to say? Hillary did it as a candidate for the nomination. I did it as a candidate for the Vice Presidency. I was a governor. She was a First Lady, a do nothing senator — name one bill that has her name on it — and a do nothing Secretary of State — name one thing she accomplished more than the million miles she traveled other than the death of four Americans in Benghazi. We all know her famous ad about three in the morning. Where was she at three in the morning on that night? Where was Obama? No questions on those two points have EVER been answered.
Here’s what I’ve learned. The War on Women isn’t by Republicans. It’s by Democrats. I use contraception. I buy it for a few dollars a month. Since more attention has been focused on my female functions than any national candidate ever in history, permit me to tell you, I have never intended to be impregnated by every single instance of relations with my husband. I have five children. I am more invested in the future than Hillary will ever be.
Killing babies is what career politicians can stomach. Not what I can.
I know a lot of you have been taught I’m simple minded. Uneducated. Ignorant. A loose cannon. What we need now are professionals, right? Professionals. You elected Barack Obama president, who never governed anything and has spent six years proving he will never be able to govern anything. Professional?
Now many of you want Hillary, who has also never governed anything, and in the few positions she has held can claim no accomplishments. Professional? No.
I have been a governor. As well as a mayor. I sometimes value the latter more than the former. You hear what’s bothering people. It focuses you a lot.
I’m not running for president because it was always my destiny, my birthright. I’m running because I love my country. Because I love all of you. Because our nation is in dire peril. And I can do something about it.