Bill O'Reilly:

End of Summer Blues

Even though I'm now a middle-aged guy, I still bemoan the end of summer. It flew by again this year faster than a memorized answer escaping Gary Condit's mouth. And I don't like it. 

When I was a kid, school loomed over the final days of August like a circus big top. As the days grew shorter, my parents grew happier -- their summertime nightmare, me, was about to be whisked away to educational professionals for six delicious hours a day. September couldn't come fast enough for my folks.

Still to this day, my mind echoes with the rumbling sound of the school bus that arrived the day after Labor Day. After the dentist's drill, it's the worst sound in the world.

This coming autumn will be no less a horror for me.

First, Congress will be back in session, and we'll have to listen to non-stop accusations about who botched the economy and who's raiding the Social Security "lockbox." That sounds like fun, doesn't it? And there will be the endless soundbites about the ABM treaty, ANWR and the "Kyoto Protocol." Talk about gas emissions!

Besides politics we are also facing a new television season. Do you realize that 7-month-old Baby Bob is the new spokesperson for the CBS network? I know CBS is having trouble with older demographics, but come on! And Baby Bob is also getting his own program to boot. I just hope they keep him away from "Temptation Island." Then again, with our public education system being the way it is, maybe Baby Bob is the only one who can speak to American youth in words they'll understand.

This fall, television will also feature the so-called "reality" programs every day of the week. Some of these things are so convoluted and bizarre Baby Bob will have nightmares for years. All I know is that Americans with questionable mentalities are being sent over to Africa in a survival situation. The State Department fears war may ensue...