Dorian Gray. The Archetype. Believe me. He has no scruples whatever. He gets what he wants, no matter who has to pay. If you think I’m kidding, read his book. “The Secret Life…” It’s sooooo gay.

It’s getting way too easy to be accused of homophobia. I can save you from all that abuse and the reeducation camps that are certain to come. Face it. You don’t want to be doing calisthenics at dawn to the orders of a drill instructor in short shorts, do you? Give me just two minutes of your time. Memorize the content. It could save your life.

This should be pretty simple. I’ve been watching for a long time and now I know what the rules are. Time you did too.

As they’ve been telling us since Kinsey, 10 percent of men are gay. Doesn’t matter how many women are. The open secret is that gay men find Lesbians the dullest drabs in the universe. Who cares how many there are? Gay men have Leonardo and Michelangelo. Lesbians have Gertrude Stein, who wrote an autobiography of the other drab she lived with. It didn’t work then. It’s useless now. Actual numbers are pretty small. Disappointed, ugly women who probably fell in love with gay guys and never got over it. Gay guys rule. Forget the other bullhorn types.

You can tell that 20 percent of men are gay because 30 percent of characters in TV sitcoms are gay. They wouldn’t do that if it weren’t true, would they?

Therefore, the following behavioral rules apply.

If you think a guy is gay, he IS gay and you must treat him with more than the usual respect and deference. He probably knows more about art and literature and classical music than you could ever learn. And when I say “think” I mean if you have the tiniest suspicion… If he’s even slightly well dressed, if his hair is in place, if he’s good looking, if he’s friendly, if he’s morose and disdainful, if he ever looks at himself in a mirror, if he ever stares moodily into the distance, if he ever throws a jocular arm around your shoulders, if he ignores you completely, he’s gay. These easy guidelines should prevent a lot of unpleasant situations.

All your friendships with men are thwarted gay relationships. You’ve cut yourself off from life. All the gay sociology experts say so. It’s a consensus, which is all science ever needs.

Be alert to the fact that you have always lived outside well developed subcultures that are and have always been exclusively gay. For example, every male in show business is gay. All of them. That’s the easiest one. All jocks are gay. Why do you think they shower every day with one another? All self-described campers, hunters, and outdoorsmen are gay. Why do you think they’re constantly trying to escape into the wild away from their women?

Back to that 40 percent figure. It’s a crock. Way way understated. Truth is, the surest sign you yourself are gay is that you find gayness in some way distasteful. You think you don’t like art or literature or classical music. You think you don’t want to be an actor, a jock, or a hunter. The more you sneer at makeup and hair care products, the greater your state of denial. You’re just kidding yourself. Whenever you watch porn, you’re really looking at the endowments of the men. And then there are those of you who actually think you like art and literature and classical music and women. You’re the saddest of them all. It’s 2014 and time you saw the writing on the wall.

Come on. Admit it. All men know that women are disgusting. What’s with those flabby bumps on their chests? All real men know that wide hips and round, soft, fleshy asses are not what the creator had in mind. He as much as said in Genesis that Eve was a mistake, didn’t he? Why did he give her the Curse?

All I’m saying is, give your native gayness a chance. Regard all your male friends and acquaintances as gay. What could go wrong?

We’re living on the cusp of a new definition of tolerance. Get with the program. Open up. Be free. Be expansive. Be gay.

Nobody’s going to look down on you. This is 2014. Did we mention that? Even the trogs won’t look down on you. Because when all of you are chasing each other, all the women will be forced to like us. Which would be heaven indeed.

Can’t wait for the spreading of the gay gospel, same sex marriage, and all the rest of it. Gay liberation means that there will be on average only two or three of us in every strip club, and our dollar bills will reach all the way to the moon.

Look at that flexibility! In some ways, as the government gets sillier, life gets more fun.

Where was I? Oh. Yes. A plea for more tolerance and none of that homophobia crap. It’s not exactly in our best interest. If you know what I mean.