Hey! We’re busy!
Everybody got all upset that the president didn’t attend the meeting of the National Security Team the other day. Who cares about the Ukraine anyway? Nobody. Not really.
There isn’t going to be a war over Ukraine. There isn’t even going to be a crisis over Ukraine. We will perform our ritual war-dance and excoriate the Evil Emperor, and the result would be the same if we had sung “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” on a road trip to Kalamazoo. Worry about something really scary, like Iran.
What IS important is the president’s NCAA basketball tournament brackets. Think I’m kidding?
I’m actually not. Kidding, I mean. Reality check.
Things people forget. Putin is a tinpot dictator. His country has no economy apart from gangsters. China is similar. Every business model ever written demonstrates that excessive rapid growth leads to a crash. A generation ago, people were terrified that Japan would own us. Then they crashed. T’was ever so. Let’s not forget that despite Obama, America is far and away the richest nation that ever existed. Has been for more than a century. Still is. It could take another century to change that fact. We also have a military that can kick everyone’s ass even with two hands tied behind our ass with the sequester. Cuts? Awfulness? Sure. But screw with us for real and Hell will be rained upon you. Annihilation. Our nukes work. Everyone knows that.
The ultimate proof of American Exceptionalism. Yeah. We are so great, so rich, so powerful that we can elect the dumbest leader in the history of the world to date and survive it with a smile on our face. Compared to Obama, Caligula was a genius and Rome survived even him.
The bright side. We have a retarded president but even he can’t end us. We’re all a little poorer economically but we’re still richer than everyone else. Our poorest people have cell phones and hi-def teevees and the most expensive handguns made. The world is imploding at a frightening rate, but all it means in the grand scheme of things is that the world will wake up from its bad Obama dream and say, “America! Come back and save us from ourselves!” Which we will do. Even if our next president is a Democrat. Because he or she won’t won’t be an America-hating Alinskyite Marxist Anti-Semite Islamist sympathizer.
You see? We’re going to get through this. Anybody doubt that sequester military cuts can be undone in an instant? Anybody doubt that every nation in the world fears American military might if anybody had the balls to unleash it for real?
Anybody doubt that the American economy can soar again after the worst president in the history of the republic graduates to the chairmanship of the Ethnic Cleansing Committee of the United Nations?
No! We. Will. Be. Back. Obama has been, in retrospect, a necessary demonstration of why the world needs the United States of America. Like the useful idiot he was raised to be, he has shown everyone why they need us even if they don’t want to admit it. What invariably happens when the adults leave the room and put the kids in charge. Bullies aren’t smart, but they know opportunity when it is handed to them on a silver platter. So be it. Until you make them look like the nobodies they are.
Which brings us back to brackets. The manliest thing this pea-brained president can do, at this time of Ukraine bullshititude supreme, is go on ESPN and show the world that America really really really doesn’t care about Putin’s manboobs and homophobic homosexuality. What we care about is the only insanity that matters: March Madness.
Me? I’m as contradictory as it gets. I’m still rooting for Harvard to get to the big dance.
We can survive this. And we don’t have to settle. If Harvard doesn’t win, I’m rooting just as avidly for Villanova. If Duke or UNC wins again, THEN we’ll start talking about the end of life as we know it.
Get busy on your brackets, O. We need you to save the nation by an act of sheer obliviousness. I have every confidence.
And the market rebounds from yesterday. Currently up 199. What a wonderful world.
HAH! I love it. You’re absolutely right. The best thing for our country is to have O’s pompous yet incompetent ass planted in front of a TV for the rest of the season. Or the term, if we can swing it. D’ya think we could get Congress to extend March Madness?
Oh, and the Ukrainians went and installed a Baptist pastor as acting president. Holy freaking cow! I can’t believe I actually lived to see such a thing. Truly there is a God, and boy does he have a wacky sense of humor.
You give me hope on both fronts, and it is so good to hear you say so. I still think Ukraine might get uglier because of the countries involved and the stubbornness of Putin, but you’re right that no one would mess with us directly. Never could, not since 1945, and we’ve only gotten stronger. But will we take action if Putin decides to try to keep Crimea? And then Belarus and Poland jump in? I’m still unsure about the future of that part of the world, but I’ve come to trust your predictions.
As for O, good, I’d rather him be distracted and not doing anything. I’m hoping Obamacare will remain his last turd of a legacy and that he’ll sit as a lame duck until he’s out. But I fear that the bullies in the room will pull out an M80 and really hurt someone before we get a real adult back in there.
Read the article I linked. Ukraine don’t matter. I think it’s a Springsteen song.
Laughing, over here. That was the most curmudgeonly bit of hopefulness I might have seen in ages, and, maybe because of it, among the most convincing. If a proudly dour Punk says we’re going to be alright, odds are reasonable it might be true.
It’s funny to me also because I’ve been saying for aye that the U.S. should pick one of the dozens of countries where we have notable presence (over 1000 troops, say), perhaps the one whose people most self-righteously object to our protection, and remove it entirely. Then the next year do it again to the next biggest ingrate. Very soon the tunes would change, worldwide. Never thought it’d happen, but here we are with Dear Leader more or less applying it across the globe all at once.
“If a proudly dour Punk says we’re going to be alright, odds are reasonable it might be true.”
Been to the supermarket lately? The National Enquirer is killing Hillary.
At this point even a moderate Democrat who really wants to reach across the aisle would put us back in the saddle.
Let’s allow ourselves to be hopeful.
I really hadn’t looked. Only grocery store I’ve been to in a while is Trader Joe’s, and they don’t carry the rags. Dang funny that the Enquirer is daring to question the next anointed one, though. Should put a hitch in the establishment’s getalong. I’ll go with hopeful…
Really, I figured it’d take much more of a crashing and burning before anyone woke up. Truth is, my suspicion is that it may yet. But striving for hopeful instead.
Oh, this is what it reminds me of, an old German joke:
The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel, the realist sees a train entering the tunnel, the pessimist sees a train speeding at him, and the machinist sees three idiots sitting on the track.
Er… by “remove it” I mean the presence, not the country. Just to be clear.
You disappoint me. : )
Ha!