All of the recent upheavals in matters sexual and gender-related have enabled the most progressive of social justice engineers (SJEs, new term, look it up) to devise new federal legislation that will be passed within days of the Democrats resuming the Majority in the United States Senate. Various anonymous spokespersons are consistent and adamant about describing this as principally a health measure.

They are understandably defensive about the sobriquet the measure has already acquired among House aides and interns, “Stop and Peek.” But it’s not unlikely that monicker will stick, although the speed of intended passage of the bill, officially called The Smith-Harris Initiative for Targeted Epilations, will render the humor moot.

ITE, as sponsors Tina Smith(D-MN) and Kamala Harris(D-CA) refer to it, represents a response to the epidemic of crab lice which has unfortunately accompanied the influx of stateless impoverished refugees from our neighbor states south of the border.

“You can’t even get to know a friendly stranger without having an unpleasant dermatological surprise a day or so later,” Senator Harris explained. “It‘s past time for our party to step up and protect the American people, to make a safe place for our safe places, so to speak. You know what I’m saying?”

To this end, the bill will federally mandate regularly scheduled epilations of both pubic and head hair throughout the population, excluding only those hundred or so minority genders who have disqualifyingly complex dysmorphic symptoms. To counterbalance the enormous energy cost of the program, the bill also expressly prohibits the shaving or chemical epilation of hair on the face, chest, back, and legs. The CDC has determined these kinds of hair are not a crab lice risk if the targeted epilation regions of the body are kept free from hair.

Regardless of motivation, ITE seems destined to wreak a profound alteration the American sexual landscape. The changes in everyone’s appearance (exceptions excepted, of course) will be striking:

You will have noticed that two pictures feature women with head hair. That’s as good a basis as any to describe the explicit exclusions and exemptions in the Smith-Harris bill. Women who earn a living predominantly from their appearance, like television hosts, movie star political activists, and certain female U.S. Senators are expressly excluded from the boll’s jurisdiction as a simple practical matter.

The otherwise universal changes in appearance may not be the most controversial aspect of the legislation. The core of the bill’s language, admittedly far too long to read before it comes to a vote, concerns the creation of a “sister” agency of the Transportation Agency (TSA), which employs highly trained personnel and advanced technology to check passengers and baggage for concealed weapons. The Pure Underwear Targeting Agency will be similarly empowered and equipped. Their personnel will be the ones charged with carrying out the bi-weekly epilation procedures required of all post-pubescent U.S. citizens, as well as the good looking ones a bit younger. The procedures performed will be brief, friendly, and strictly professional, much like passing through a TSA checkpoint at the airport.

Between sessions PUTA employees will also be stationed at common points of human passage like airports, corporate and restaurant restrooms, and sometimes at random in casinos, hotels, the subway and bus stations. This aspect of the bill is what led to the “Stop and Peek” quip, though the transaction will not be designed to humiliate.

The Senate sponsors also offered a friendly and disarming tip, especially to the women of America. “Self-examination is something we’ve all been doing since puberty,” Kamala Harris said. “Now we can help ourselves by continuing the practice a little farther south.”

And if we really want it or need it, PUTA will always be there to lend a hand.

Thank you for that, Kamala. We never doubted you.