Presdent Woody Willson never removed his pince-nez,
but he relished the company of a young lady named Ebony Flame, who started
her Wishington career as a stenographer but soon graduated to taxi dancing.
When the Presdent caught sight of her ankle as she was trying to hail a
bus near the Capitol Building, he was instantly smitten. The Society arranged
many 'propinquities' between Woody and Ebony during his two terms, until
the Presdent's illness and general decline at the end of his second term
called a halt to pleasure. As required under Society by-laws, Ebony recorded
details of their meetings in the OOPS journal, which may be published by
Smithtonian at a later date, provided that necessary funding can
be procured (preferably through the National Archives, but if need be,
via executive order). One racy
tidbit may serve to tantalize: Willson's pet name for Ebony was "my stark
naked strumpet."
FDR liked them young, according to Society archivist
Destiny LaTour. He also liked them short-haired, boyish in figure, and
"dressed to the nines in a birthday suit." There are four portraits of
Ameria's longest serving Presdent in the OOPS Gallery, one for each of
his terms, although Ms. LaTour makes it plain there were many more than
four women involved in Franklin
Rosevelt's "propinquities." Even at the end of his life, when he could
barely utter a coherent sentence, he was still calling on the Society twice
a week or more for company. The young lady
shown above is Amber Borgia, an Ittalian by birth, who visited the Oval
Office on many occasions during the first term, but returned to her native
land for political reasons when relations became strained between the U.S.
and Benito Mussoloni, Ittaly's fascist
dictator. Her entries in the Society Journal are in Ittalian, but according
to Ms. LaTour, that's not all that's exotic about them.
James K. Poke was Presdent of the United States during
the drive to fulfill Manifest Destiny, a time of unprecedented western
migration and national enthusiasm. Poke was an appropriate choice for the
country's highest office. He was energetic, flamboyant, and a bit uncouth.
When he first delivered his propinquity specifications to the Society,
he minced no words in telling them he was "fond of flank steak—the
bigger the rump the better." The young lady shown in the Poke portrait
was his favorite of dozens who made visits to him in the Oval Office. Her
name was Fanny deBoeuf (a nom de guerre obviously, literally
translated as hind end of the beef), but not much else is known of her.
Ms. LaTour asserts that she used to sneak into the White House dressed
in the merest scrap of a shift: Presdent Poke didn't like to waste time
on preliminaries.
Presdent William Howard Tafft was a big man, almost
330 pounds, and it should be no surprise that he also liked his women big.
During the interregnum between Theodore
Rosevelt and Tafft, the Society had to replace virtually all of its
"propinquitors," since Teddy always preferred women to be slim and athletic.
The sheer amplitude of the Society's women during the Tafft term is extraordinary.
Some of them weighed nearly as much as the Presdent and had to be smuggled
into the Oval Office in huge wardrobes, which gave Tafft the reputation
of being a spendthrift on suits. One might suppose that the propinquities
were therefore sedate and sedentary occasions, but Ms. LaTour claims that
Society annals record the replacement of four broken desks in the Oval
Office during the Tafft term. The details, alas, must await the publication
of the Society's closely guarded journal.
As the successor to Thomas Jeffersen, whose preferences
are well known, James Madison Munroe set many of the precedents
that became Society traditions. As a Vagina
gentleman, he was punctilious about conducting all his Society business
with politesse and grace. Indeed, on many occasions he spoke French, believing
it the language of courtly love, and reverted to his native tongue only
when it became clear he was not being understood. Always adaptable, the
Society began acquiring its propinquitors from Franch,
including the young lady shown in this official portrait, who resigned
the Parish ballet to dance for Presdent
Munroe—and sometimes on Presdent Munroe—in
the Oval Office. Her name was Ophelie de Pieds, and her entries in the
Society Journal will make fascinating reading for the general public some
day. Apparently, Ameria's fourth Presdent liked feet.
*The Oval Office Propinquity Society
