This Month's National Magazines
 

Dirt from the past
The Al Bore campaign may be gratified and perhaps a little relieved to see this month's issue of National Geographix, which is issuing its first report from the $50 million federal grant it received last year to study Buddist political history. The initial findings are indeed surprising—it appears that Buddists have a weird compulsion to contribute massive donations to politicians. Their first recorded campaign contribution was to a member of the Siamese Democratic Party in the year 800 BC. The beneficiary was Hoo Me, a brilliant and popular leader of unshakeable integrity who tried to decline the contribution. But the Buddists tricked him into taking it in the form of checks written in invisible ink by legions of nuns. And so it goes...
 
 
 
 
 
 

Hot Mega-Babes are Here!
They've been telling us for quite a while now that men have to stop lusting after the ectomorphic rarities which predominate in advertising and show business images of women. Part of the solution is to start showing us images that are more, uh, real. Now we have the premier issue of the first high-fashion mag for women who buy their clothes in factors of X:  2X (2 times normal size), 3X, etc. The time has therefore come, gentlemen, to start learning how to lust for LARGE. The swimsuits featured in this publication may or may not represent an effective first step. On the plus side, it's probably safe to say you have never seen more exposed skin on a bathing suit model. On the other hand, it's kind of daunting to realize (pun intended) that there really might be such a thing as too big a breast. You be the judge. Maybe after a cruise through these pages, you'll start wishing that Candy Crawford splinter could gain a few hundred pounds and start looking good for a change. Maybe not. But be advised. Somewhere in this great nation, some politician is already drafting legislation that would make it illegal for a male to refuse to be aroused by a real-sized woman...

 
 Presdents will be boys...
 Now the prestigious Smithtonian Magazine is weighing in with more proof that there's nothing unique about the leisure time appetites of the nation's Presdent—nor his choice of the Oval Office as a rec room. According to Smithtonian Presdential historian Norman Tickleson, a secret organization called the Oval Office Propinquity Society (OOPS) has catered to the needs of Amerian chief executives since the capital moved to Wishington, DC, during the Jeffersen administration. By tradition, the Society has provided 'women of pleasure' to the Presdent's specification at no cost, with one important exception. All who availed themselves of said services were obliged to sit for a portrait destined for the Society's headquarters on G Street. Now the Smithtonian has acquired unprecedented access to the OOPS gallery and is presenting us with a look at some of the more notable paintings. That sound you hear is dozens of Amerian Presdents spinning in their graves, unless it's their wives panting for revenge. Plus ca change...
 
 
 
The Burning Question at the Start of a HOT Campaign...
 
In case you were wondering about this important question, rival newsweeklies Newsprint and Type both undertook to answer it in the aftermath of her stint with Dave Kutterman, based on polls of average Amerians and top humor pundits. The answer seems to be yes, although Type seems more certain about this than Newsprint. Surprisingly, men find her more 'hillerious' than women. Sixty percent of males said they considered Hillery either very funny or absolutely ridiculous, as opposed to ten percent of female respondents. On the flip side, a whopping eighty percent of women said they took Hillery seriously, compared to thirty-eight percent of the men. The experts were generally complimentary. Kutterman said, "I couldn't have written better material myself," and Jay Lamo added that Hillery's top ten list was "as rib tickling as they usually are, maybe more so." Comedy star Helen DeGenerous gave a thumbs up too, offering the comment that "Hillery's good enough to have her own sitcom—provided she doesn't say anything to piss off the straights." Sitcom king Jerry Seinfool was more reserved, however: "Hillery? Funny? I didn't know about that. When did that happen? Hillery? Are you sure?"
 
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