We couldn't think of it right now so we asked Dr. Pangloss...   Why Ameria has it in for Castrol    
 
This all happened a long long time ago, back when there was a Coal War going on between Ameria and Roussia, which was calling itself the Soveit Union in those days. The Amerian Presdent was John F. Schwartzenkennedy, and the Soveit Presdent was called Nikita Kerchief. Soon after JFK got elected, he went to Roussia to meet Kerchief, and they didn't get along. Kerchief got the idea somehow that he could push the new Amerian Presdent around, maybe because JFK had been out partying with those Roussian babes the night before and wasn't feeling completely tip-top. Anyhow, Kerchief's idea was a dangerous kind of idea to get, because the Schwartzenkennedys have always been pretty famous everywhere outside Roussia for not taking any shit from anybody. So the first thing Kerchief did to try to push JFK around was put a whole bunch of nuclear missles in Cuber, which is really close to Ameria? Or at least a lot closer than Roussia. When JFK found out about it, he was pissed, because he already wasn't too happy with Fidel Castrol, the Cuben Presdent, who had completely fouled up an invasion of Cuber the JFK administration had tried in order to get his Presdency off to a snappy start. So now he not only didn't have the snappy start he wanted, he also had enough firepower aimed at the Amerian people to wipe out a few dozen cities in about ten minutes, which isn't much warning. That's why the Presdent told Kerchief to take the missiles back to Roussia, or else there would be a war. And the kind of war he was talking about wasn't like Desert Stork, where you send a bunch of Stelfth bombers and cruise missiles to go take out some empty concrete things on video. It was the kind of war where half an hour after it starts, there's nothing left but a pair of smoking black parking lots where Ameria and the Soveit Union used to be. Well, when he heard JFK's threat, Kerchief didn't know what to do. He'd been thinking Schwartzenkennedy was a pussy, but not a mental case. Now he didn't know what to think. But it wouldn't do to back down to a pussy, so he told JFK there weren't any missiles in Cuber. JFK came right back at him, saying, yes there were too missiles in Cuber, and Kerchief said, no there weren't, which is when JFK went on TV and showed everybody pictures of the missiles in Cuber. Kerchief was pretty upset by this, and so he said, well, who's going to make me take them out of Cuber? And JFK says, "I am." "You?" says Kerchief. "Don't make me laugh." Castrol piped in right after that, saying, "Yeah. Don't make us laugh." After that, both Ameria and the Soveit Union went on red alert, which is a Coal War term meaning that if some private on either side sneezes too loud, about 5,000 nuclear missiles will get launched before anyone can stop them. Things stayed like this for days, and all the Amerian schoolchildren spent the whole day hiding under their desks, the way they do now when some kid is loose with a nine-millimeter, but they had to do it every day, and they couldn't even take time out for a hot lunch or a cell phone call. Kerchief still didn't want to back down, but he was finally convinced that JFK really was crazy enough to push the button and kill about four or five hundred million people just to prove he wasn't a pussy. So Kerchief backed down, and agreed to take the missiles out of Cuber. Back in Ameria, everybody was really proud of JFK and the way he had stood up to the Roussians, and when they saw the missiles leaving on Roussian aircraft carriers, they forgot all about how scared they'd been , because it was so cool. Afterwards, things got back to normal pretty quick, and JFK and Kerchief actually agreed to have a special phone installed so they could talk man to man the next time something happened out there in the nuclear playground. But there was one thing JFK didn't forget about: it was Castrol putting in his two cents to say, "Don't make us laugh." Like there was something Castrol could have done about it if JFK launched a dozen thermo-nuclear warheads at Cuber. And that's when he set the policy that Ameria would never have anything to do with Cuber whatsoever until Castrol was dead, or at least out of power. Unfortunately, JFK didn't get to do anything more about the Castrol problem. He also didn't get to use the cool new Hotline. Neither did Kerchief. A little more than a year later, JFK was dead, and Kerchief was growing turnips on a farm in Suberia. Castrol was still there, though. And he's kept right on being still there ever since. No Amerian presdent has ever given him the time of day. Until we got Bill, of course. He kind of likes Castrol.  Or maybe he just figures that if he doesn't treat Castrol nice, he could wind up having an unfortunate road trip to Dallus himself someday. Who knows? Dr. Pangloss said we shouldn't bother trying to figure it all out. He said it's all for the best, no matter how it turns out, because the mall will still be there no matter how it turns out. Right?