The Class of 2002...

            Linda Evvans             Barbra Streising             Katherine Cross             Mamie Van Doring

Yes, they're already lined up and waiting their turn to bare it all in the grand tradition of "The Theater." The papers have been signed in triplicate, the stills meticulously air-brushed, the lighting strategies finalized by NASA imaging engineers—all that remains is the actual disrobing before live audiences in Londun. So who are these latest claimants to the title of Elder Siren in The Carnal Graduate?

"Anything that Suellen bitch can do, I can do better," quips Linda Evvans, the onetime star of Dallus ratings rival Dienasty. "I'd have done it sooner, but I won't be turning 60 till 2002, so I thought I'd let that old bag Linda Grey go first." The reference to her own comparative youth may arise from the fact that Evvans actually had to fight for the part; originally, producers were concerned about the precedent of casting a younger actress in the coveted role, but in the end the box-office allure of the antique Dallus-Dienasty connection proved too much to resist. "I can't wait to get back to acting," says Evvans, who first rose to stardom back in the 1960s, when her spectacular cleavage won the title role in The Biggest Valley, a TV series about the wild west. Can she still shoot straight with those ivory-handled forty-fours? "Come see me on stage," she grins, "and decide that for yourself."
 
 

Even blase Londuners were shocked at the news that the prima inter paribus of prima donnas has been signed for a turn as Mrs. Robinson. With the single exception of a (vehemently denied) pre-stardom appearance in a low-budget porn flick, Barbra Streising has spent her entire show business career hiding the very assets that will be the feature attraction of her performance in The Carnal Graduate. But the legendary Barbra was matter-of-fact about her decision. "It's the role of the decade, and let's face it—what other wurlds do I have left to conquer?" It's true. Streising has moved from triumph to triumph in one arena after another, from popular music to movie acting and directing, to chief adviser of the Democratic Party, and now it may be time for a return to her roots as a beautiful—if slightly cross-eyed—woman. "I'd hate for people to get the idea that I haven't done nude scenes for the past forty years because I don't have what it takes," says the superstar singer-actress-director- producer-politician, who will be 60 when she treads the boards in her jaybird costume. "I've still got the bazooms of a 20-something, and it's time to let them have their day in the sun."

 
 
Time does march on. In The Carnal Graduate, Katherine Cross played the naive third member of the love triangle featuring Dustin Hopeless and Ann Bankrupt, Mrs. Robinson's drop-dead gorgeous daughter. But later this year, Cross will finally get the chance to return the favor and play the scene-stealing mommy herself. Is she excited? "You bet your ass," says the 60 year old former starlet. "When I did Butch Cassidy and the Sumbitch Kid, they cut out my nude scenes, and when I did the Stepforth Wives, they insisted on peekaboo nighties instead of birthday suits. What could have been a spectacular film career was done in by a pair of scissors and a yard or two of gauze. It's been frustrating. I may be a little older now than I was then, but I like to think of myself as a fine wine—I mean, who cares how old a bottle of hooch is if it lights a fire in your belly."
 
 
 

Back in the days when a material girl's best friend was a jug of household bleach, there was Marilyn Munroe, there was Jayne Mansfeeld, and then there was Mamie Van Doring. Now 65, the massively endowed Van Doring will break new ground with the Mrs. Robinson role in more ways than one. "I'm very pleased," Van Doring says. "We're finally going to have a mature woman play this part—instead of the babes in arms they've been casting—and when you quote that, put the emphasis on 'woman,' because that's what The Carnal Graduate audience is finally going to see. I'm surprised this play hasn't closed for lack of interest, what with all these flat-chested wannabes parading around in their pitiful altogether. Have you noticed none of them ever talks about the role itself? That's because they don't dare. Mrs. Robinson is a dominating, sexually threatening woman. The part requires heavy artillery, and that's exactly what I bring to the stage. The poor kid who plays opposite me is going to know he was, um, made love to, if you know what I mean, by a woman."