Mark
Anthony. The Roman dude° who hung
out with Kleopatra right before she died. Didn't
he also try to stop the vast conspiracy°
to whack the Roman leader? Ceasar? But they did it
anyway, and all Ceasar ever did was fool around a little in private°
with Kleopatra. Right? In the end, it didn't work out very well for Mark.
He had to fall on his sword. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Psomethings,
Chapter 14.)
B
Humphrey
Bogard. He was the dude who was cool°
back when dudes were allowed to be cool, except that's not so cool anymore.
Because back then he was doing all that drinking and smoking and slapping
babes° right in the face sometimes,
which isn't cool at all. That's probably why he died. It was that or the
smoking. Or one of those guns° he always
had. Cool. (See "Casablanka," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Ted Bundy
Ted Bunty. He was the serial killer dude° who you couldn't have told from anybody else because he was exactly like all dudes everywhere. Which is why the babes° have to be so careful. But Bunty's not serial killing anymore. They fried his ass. To death.
chard Burton
Richard Burpton. He was with Elizabeth Tailor in the movies and was maybe foreign? He could be the one who played Mark Anthony when she played Kleopatra. Right?
.
C
Ceasar.
He was the Roman dude°
who got whacked in the senate°
for having sex°
with Kleopatra. Of course, that's not really why
they did it. Right? It had maybe something to do with politics°?
But whacked is whacked.
Kurt Cobain
Curt Cobane. He was the leader of the alternative rock band° Nervosa, and he died, either because he killed himself with heroin by accident or on purpose, unless it was his wife Courtney Hole who killed him. Nobody's really sure, but it doesn't matter because he was cool° no matter which way it was.
Andy Kauffman
Andy Coughman. He was this comedian from back in the seventies or eighties, and he was really cool° because he was just completely crazy and out of his mind. Then he died, maybe from cancer?
D
Lady
Die. She was the coolest. She was this princess who was unhappy and
bulimic, but she stood up to Prince
Charle and Queen Elizabitch
until she died in a car wreck, and then everybody was sorry about all the
terrible things they did to her, except for the paparazzi, because they're
never sorry, not even when they kill the best one. Her funeral was gigantic,
though, and she's still on the cover of all the tabloids every week. (See
"My Cousin, Lady Die," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
E
Dwight
D. Eisinghower. He was Presdent in maybe one of the wars, and he had
an affair with his secretary, Kay Something.
(See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapter 137-146.)
F
Vince
Fodder. He was the White House lawyer°
who killed himself at the beginning of the Waterwhite Scandal°.
A lot of conservatives° thought
he was maybe killed, but that's not how it was. It was all about being
loyal° to Hillery.
He got the idea from a movie. Cool°.
(See "A Few Good Loyerz," Toot Video, Shuteye Town
1999.)
G
Barry Goldwater
Barry
Goldwaiter. He was the one who wanted to start a nuclear war
back in maybe the sixties, only Lindon
Johnston told everybody about it on TV, and so nobody voted for him.
Clark Gable
Clark
Grable. He was like the other star of Gone Like the Wind? And
didn't he have false teeth? (See "Gone Like the Wind," Toot Video, Shuteye
Town 1999.)
H
George
Hawwison. He was a Beadle. He was the quiet one. See Paul
and
John.
Ernest Hemingway
Ernest Hemmingway. He was maybe a famous author? And now he's in some TV commercials? Cool°. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Frankie & Johnny, Chapter 11. See also The Punk City Papers, Chapter 3.)
Adolf Hitler
Adolph
Hittler. He was the Presdent of Germania?
He was maybe killed in a war because he was involved in the Holocost,
although some people think he got away to South
Ameria. Now he has two cable channels that he's on all the time in
black and white. The Hittler channel is all about him and how he got that
way. The Shindler Channel is all about the Holocost, twenty-four hours
a day. If he was alive, he'd be making a fortune in residuals. Unless the
ratings are as bad as it seems like they'd be. (See The Boomer Bible,
Book of Krauts, Chapters 28-39.)
J. Edgar Hoover & Herbert Hoover
J.
Herbert Hoover. He was maybe the Presdent who started the Depression,
and then he was in the FBI and wore dresses all the time?
Sally Hemmings
Sally
Hummings. She was Thomas Jeffersen's
ho°, except nobody knew about it until
they put it on TV, because back then
they didn't like for white males to be with Afrian-Amerian°
women.
I
J
Jackie Kennedy Onassis
Jacquie.
She was the wife of John F. Schwartzenkennedy,
the one who was Presdent? And she crawled out on the trunk of the limo
to get the piece of his head that went there when they shot him. She was
in a pink suit.Je
Jesus Christ
Jeesus.
He was maybe the son of God, if there is one? And all the Born-Again Christians°
talk to him all the time and think he's coming back any minute. Right.
(See The Boomer Bible: Book of Dave, Chapter 15; and Book of Jeffrey,
Chapters 1-25.)
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas
Jeffersen. He was the Presdent who was getting it on with one of his
slaves.
Cool°. Except for the slave part, which
is not cool. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters
15-16.)
John F. Kennedy, Jr.
John
John. He was the John F. Schwartzenkennedy who was the handsomest,
coolest dude in the whole country, except his wife's friend made him fly
when he didn't want to, and so they all got killed, which was very tragic
and sad. And didn't he start being famous when he was just a little kid?
He was handsome all the way back then too. (See The Boomer Bible,
Book of Damn Yankees, Chapter 154.)
Lyndon Johnson
Lindon
Johnston. He was the Presdent who did all that about Civil Rights°?
And even though he was really ugly, he was doing every babe°
who came to the White House, and nobody empeached him, did they? (See The
Boomer Bible, Book of Willie, Chapter 4, verses 1-4.)
K
Kleopatra.
She was the queen of Egyp, way back before
women were allowed to have cool° jobs?
She had a big affair with Ceasar before he got killed
and then with Mark Anthony, until she killed
herself with a snake.
L
Vivian
Lee. She was like the star of Gone Like the Wind. With
Clark
Grable. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Dave, Chapter 22.)
John Lennon
John
Lenin. He was the coolest of The Beadles. Until he got shot by one
of his fans and died. Of course. See Paul
and George. (See also
The
Boomer Bible, Book of Vinnie, Chapters 2 through 11.)
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham
Lincon. He was Presdent a long way back, but he was too busy with the
war to have time to bang any babes°,
even though he had a cool° bedroom.
Then they shot him, so he never did to get to bang any babes. Except for
maybe his wife°. If he had one. (See
The
Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters 35-47; and Book of Rationalizations,
Chapters 12-20.)
M
Thoroughgood Marshall. The first black justice on the Supreme Court°. One of the presdents, maybe Lindon Johnston, noticed there was a black seat on the court, and picked Marshall to fill it. Marshall tried to keep sitting there through all the Republian° Presdents, but he didn't quite make it, which led to Clarence Remus and Anita Hole. Cool°.
Martin Luther King
Martinlutherking.
He was the one who did all that about Civil Rights°,
and did he free the slaves? It probably was because he said he had a dream
about that. Was he also called Martin X sometimes? He must have been because
they made a movie about it, but it was too long to see all the way through.
He got shot at the end, though. Right? Because everybody gets the day off
on his birthday. (See The Zeezer Bible,
Book of Clipz, Chapter 12.)
Douglas MacArthur & Joseph McCarthy
Joe
Douglas MacArthy. He was the dude°
who thought everybody was a Communist? And so he went after all the Communists
until he tried to put Hollywood in jail and Trumen
had to fire him? (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters
131-135)
Jim McDougal
Jim
McDoe. He was a friend of the Clittons in Arklahoma,
and he had something to do with Waterwhite°,
which he lied and lied and lied about, but now he's dead, so he can't cause
any more problems for the Presdent. And one good thing is, he taught Hillery
how to put your hand on the bottom of your face when you're telling a lie°,
so people will be distracted. That should come in handy in her political°
career.
Timothy McVeigh
Timothy
McVeg. How does it look from the other side, Tim Boy? Still feel the
same way about your right to explosive self expression? We thought not.
Epitaph for a Dim-Witted Terrorist: If you need a bomb to do your talking
for you, chances are you've got nothing worthwhile to say. Stew on that
for an eternity or so.
Jim Morrison
Jim Morison. The coolest rock star.
He wore leather pants and didn't take a bath, and he drank all the time
and showed his wiener to the audience, so they arrested him. But he finally
decided to take a bath and drank himself to death in the tub before they
could put him in jail. It was really tragic. And cool°.
Marilyn Monroe
Marilyn
Munroe. She was this hot babe°
movie star back then. She had sex° with
everybody and especially with the Schwartzenkennedys,
which is maybe why she died all nude and everything with a lot of pills
all over the place. Some people think it was J.
Herbert Hoover who did it to get revenge on the Schwartzenkennedys.
But other people say it was the Schwartzenkennedys who did it because they
didn't want Jacquie to find out. It's a mystery.
But she was hot. (see "Marilyn Revisited Redux," Moon
Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Benito Mussolini
Benito
Mussoloni. Could this be, like, a Mafia don? Maybe the one who was
supplying babes° to the Schwartzenkennedys.
But why the uniform?
.
N
Richard
Nixxon. He was the Watergape°
Presdent, and they made him resign even though he never even went near
any babes°. None of the babes would
have wanted to have sex° with him anyway.
(See The Boomer Bible, Book of Willie, Chapter 4, verses 4-9.)
O
Lee
Harvey Oswall. Was he the one who shot John
F. Schwartzenkennedy in Dallus? Or
a bunch of other people shot John F Schwartzenkennedy and made it look
like Oswall did? That must have been it, because they shot Oswall too.
On TV. Cool°. (See "JFK, Sr.," Toot
Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
P
Elvist
Prestley. The King. He was cool°.
But he was into speed and downers, which is maybe why he died in the bathroom
that time. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Ed, Chapter 70.)
Q
R
Ellenor
Rosevelt. She was the wife° of
Presdent Rosevelt, and even though she
died, she still talks to Hillery? Because
they have so much in common. (See The Boomer
Bible, Book of Mawrites, Chapter 31.)
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Franklin
Delano Rosevelt. He was the Presdent who was married to Ellenor
Rosevelt, which is why he had to have sex°
with a bunch of other women. Even though
he was in a wheelchair. And didn't he save the whole country from something?
Like maybe the Republians°? (See
The
Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters 96-116.)
Theodore Roosevelt
Teddy
Rosevelt. He was Presdent too. Maybe because he was related to Franklin
Rosevelt? But didn't he have a lot of guns°
all the time? (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters
57-62.)
S
John
F. Schwartzenkennedy*. The greatest Presdent in Amerian history°.
He was so cool°. He had a hot babe°
wife° named Jacquie,
and he had hot babes running around the White House all the time, and he
even had sex° with Marilyn
Munroe. He could have had all the coolest scandals if they were doing
scandals back in those days. But then he got shot to death in Dallus,
right? And nobody's ever been able to figure out who did it, because it
could have been the Mafia don whose girlfriend
he was banging, or it could have been Castrol,
who was the dictator of Cuber and still couldn't get as many hot
babes as JFK. It could even have been J. Herbert
Hoover, who was the only thing in a dress in Wishington
that JFK didn't bang. But there are also people who think it really
was Oswall who shot him, because look at
Oswall. What babe would ever want to have sex with him? (See "It Takes
a Kennedy," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999; see also The Boomer
Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters 146-153.)
* Schwartzenkennedy. The 'Schwartzen' used to be
silent, or at least spoken only in a whisper. It's gotten louder over the
years, until now it's practically deafening.
Robert F. Kennedy
Bobby
Schwartzenkennedy. He was the brother of John
F. Schwartzenkennedy, and he was almost as cool°.
He did all the same kinds of stuff, and he had sex°
with Marilyn Munroe too. After John got shot,
Bobby decided it would be cool to be Presdent himself and get shot, but
he did it in the wrong order. This time it didn't happen in Dallus, though,
but in Californica. The shooter
was maybe a foreigner called Saran
Saran, but you know how it goes... it could have been the Mafia,
or Castrol, or J.
Herbert Hoover too. (See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees,
Chapter 132.)
William Shakespeare
William
Shakespear. He was the famous writer who wrote all those famous plays,
like Julius Ceasar and Leotardo's Romeo and Julia. He was
also bald, but he had a cool° goatee
and a mustache. (See "Leotardo's Romeo and Julia," Toot Video, Shuteye
Town 1999; see also The Boomer Bible, Book of Giants, Chapters
15-16.)
Kay Summersby
Kay
Something. She was the secretary babe°
Presdent Eisinghower was banging during the
war? It must have been in the war, because wasn't she in a uniform?
John Steinbeck
John Stinebeck. The famous writer
who wrote "Of Mice and Mice," which is great because it's so short and
before you have to do the book report, you can always see the movie in
class instead of reading it.(See Shuteye High School & Shuteye University,
Schoolz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Tupak Shakur
Sixpak Suckor. The rapper°
who was so cool° he did an MT Video
about how he got shot to death before he got shot to death. You can't get
any cooler than that. (See "The Zeezer Bible," Book of Starz, Chapter 4,
Shuteye
Town 1999.)
T
Harry
S. Trumen. He's the presdent they talk about all the time who didn't
have any sex° and didn't even get thrown
out of office. Did he maybe drop the Big One on somebody? That's kind of
cool°.
(See The Boomer Bible, Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters 117-130.)
U
V
W
George
Wallus.JWas
he like the racist°
politician°
who got shot? Only he didn't die for a change? Well, he did die eventually,
or he wouldn't be history°.
ohn Wayne
John
Wane. The old-time Hollywood star who never ever died in the
movies. He died in real life, though. Of cancer. He smoked cigarettes.
(See The Boomer Bible, Book of Dave, Chapters 31-35v.13.)
George Washington
George
Wishington. The first Presdent. Nobody knows whether he had a lot of
sex° with the babes°
or not. He spent the night in a lot of different hotel rooms, though. He
must have been getting a little something now and then. But he had wooden
teeth, which is a turn-off probably. Not nearly as cool as metal teeth.
But back then, they didn't know any better. (See The Boomer Bible,
Book of Damn Yankees, Chapters 6-14.)
.
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