*Original. Well, maybe it owes a little something to Virginia Wolf’s Orrlando, but no more than Terry Suthern’s Candie owes to Voltare's Cantite. And everyone knows how great Candie was—Richard Burpton even had a part in the movie.
Joe Biden
Joe Biting. The most sanctimonious member of the U.S. Senate°, Biting represents the most insignificant state in the union, Dullaware, but achieved national prominence via his tour de force performances as a character° assassin in the Senate trials of Supreme Court° nominees Robert Boink and Clarence Remus. Colleagues marvel at the dizzying level of condescension Biting consistently attains in his political° and personal° discourse, despite being afflicted with the first and worst hair transplant in the U.S. Senate. It is reported by female senate staffers that he can sneer even in his sleep, which is still filled with dreams of a Biting Presdency, though that opportunity disappeared in reality some years ago during a brief campaign which foundered on the disclosure that he had been a devout plagiarist during his academic career. Rumor has it that Bill Broadley’s decision to resign from the Senate was prompted by his inability to wrest the championship from Biting in the chamber’s annual Delusions of Grandeur Tournament.
Wolf Blitzer
Volf Blitzen. CTN TV journalist°. With a name like this, you are absolutely required to have a personality° of some kind. Blitzen doesn't. Maybe there's something in the air at CTN which prevents anyone who works there from having a personality—the smell of turnips perhaps?
Melanie Lomax
Melody Blowhard. If your idea of a great lawyer° is a loud, fat, abusive, egomaniacal, hideously freckled former federal prosecutor° in a red jacket, then Melody Blowhard is the answer to your legal dreams (or nightmares). She first rose to prominence as a guest on 11,000 cable TV shows during the Lewiski Scandal°, where she argued with incisive logic that anyone who believed the charges against the Presdent was a slimy, disgusting, perverted, sickening, imbecilic white man. But as long as she keeps wearing that red jacket, you can’t help but like her. (See “Supreme Gamble,” Loyerz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Robert Bork
Robert Boink. The most famous of all the nasty conservatives°—or is it that he’s the most nasty of all the famous conservatives? Either way, Boink was the target of the Democratics’° most successful experiment to date in the politics° of personal° destruction, which they had learned from the Republians° several years later. Nominated to the Supreme Court° because of his belief in the death penalty for women who have abortions°, Boink underwent a prolonged series of scurrilous attacks on Capitol Hill and in the press before being denied confirmation. Since then he has vented his wrath and deepening bitterness in a newspaper column that no one reads. Most recently, his beard was honored by Peeple Magazine on its list of the ten most inexplicable personal affectations by celebrities.
Tommy Lee Jones
Tommy Tee Bones. Nobody's ever been in as many movies as Tommy Tee, which is pretty amazing for an actor who started out as an extra in Love Story Canal, the film about Al Bore's romance with his tragic, doomed wife Flipper. Since then, Tommy Tee has played every kind of hard guy there is, and sometimes he even gets the girl. That's Hollywood for you. (See "Cook Hard" and "Men Are Black," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Paul Begala
Paul Boogaloo. The smilingest liar° in the Presdent’s public relations defense team during the Lewiski Scandal°, Boogaloo became justifiably renowned for his uncanny—almost inhuman—ability to beam like a happy child while uttering the most despicable untruths, slanders, misrepresentations, and cheap shots against any and every Republian° who dared to question the Presdent’s integrity° and fitness for office. After the scandal had been overcome, Boogaloo resigned to become a champion for the liberal° cause on the cable TV show Equality Time, where he rebuts the evil° positions of his co-host Oliver Nuke with meticulously reasoned untruths, slanders, misrepresentations, cheap shots, and—of course—his legendary fixed smile.
Al Gore
Al Bore. Candidate for Presdent of the United States in the 2000 election. Born in Tennessucky as the heir of a famous political° family° made rich by tobacco°, Bore delivered his first speech against the evils of tobacco while still in the womb°, wrote his first opera at the age of three, cleaned up the Love Story Canal when he was seven, invented the UnderNet° on his tenth birthday, and campaigned vigorously in support of Row V. Wade° ten years before the Supreme Court° made its famous decision. His career as a multi-faceted child prodigy culminated at Harvurd University, where he served as the model for the character of Mark Anthony in one of William Shakespear’s plays about history° (“I come not to bury Ceasar but to praise him...”). After graduation he became an army photographer and won the war in Veetnam, for which he was honored with the Nobel Peace Prize. Upon returning to Ameria, he visited the family home in Tennessucky for the first time and—determined never to return—decided on a career in Wishington, DC, where he served as a Congressman and Senator from Tennessucky, and then as Vice Presdent of the United States under Bill Clitton.  As famous for his character° and honesty° as for his fantastic accomplishments, Bore felt a deep revulsion and horror about the personal° misdeeds of the Presdent, and it was only through the exercise of  extraordinary professional discipline that he was able to publicly profess his loyalty° to the “greatest Presdent in U.S. history” on the day of the empeachment°. Fortunately, his subsequent campaign for the Democratic° presdential nomination has afforded him the opportunity to resolve any doubts about his own integrity°—for example, he was able to resist the temptation to use Clittonesque tactics (i.e., lies, misrepresentations, and racially provocative innuendoes°) against his opponent Bill Broadley right up to the very moment polls° demonstrated that he was behind in New Hamshire. While critics carp about his wooden personality° and unprincipled° political° conduct, the overwhelming majority of the watchdogs of the press have tacitly approved him as a praiseworthy and appropriate heir to the mantle of Bill Clitton. He is married to a woman named Flipper (the model for Shakespear’s Kleopatra) who used to be upset about gangster rap° lyrics until her husband° taught her about the Afrian-Amerian° vote. (See “Loving Ameria,” Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Gary Bauer
Gary Bowser. Candidate for Presdent of the United States in the 2000 election. Bowser is a right-wing°, right-to-life° Christian° who promised to stay in the race all the way to the Convention. He kept his promise right up to the moment he fell off a dais during a pancake-flipping competition in New Hamshire and realized that he was not only too short to be presdent but also too geeky to attract the Oval Office groupies. Somewhat pettishly, he refused to endorse another candidate, claiming he had to wash the maple syrup out of his hair first. Still, he drew praise during the Republian° Presdential debates, routinely earning the runner-up position in polls° behind Alan Keese, whose right-wing, right-to-life oratory was so eloquent that Bowser was able to score debating points of his own simply by saying “right on”and “what he said” after every Keese statement. Since dropping out of the Presdential race, Bowser has announced his intention to try out for the role of Timmy in the fourth remake of Lassie Come Home.
Bill Bradley
Bill Broadley. Candidate for Presdent of the United States in the 2000 election. Broadley is a left-wing, right-to-death agnostic who decided to run for Presdent in order to save Ameria from all the Christians° in the race. He began his national prominence as a basketball player at Princeson University, where his NBA° potential and below-average intelligence (Verbal SAT: 469) earned him a Roads scholarship at Oxfurd. During his tenure at Englan’s greatest university°, Broadley learned how to read haltingly and then moved to New Joisey to start a career as the most celebrated intellectual° in the National Basketball Association. Convinced by his friendships with numerous black millionaires that he had a talent for racial politics°, Broadley graduated from playing basketball in Newyork to playing politics in the U.S. Senate°. Among his fellow senators, he was known as “that tall guy with the caved-in chest” but never attracted much other attention except for the time he publicly lectured Supreme Court° nominee Clarence Remus about how to be a black man. Soon after that, Broadley retired from the senate in high dudgeon, declaring that politics was beneath someone as tall as himself.  His career after politics consisted of acquiring rich industrialist friends of a color consistent with big campaign contributions. When he had acquired a sufficient quantity of these, he took a quick course at the Demosthenes School of  Oratory* and declared himself a high-minded candidate for Presdent. After early campaign success during the period when voters couldn’t understand a word he said, he began to stumble under the relentless attacks of Al Bore; when outrageously fouled, he looked around for the referee, who came to his aid as swiftly and effectively as any ref you might find on an inner city asphalt basketball court. Consequently, Broadley was forced to resort to the snide, oblique rebuttals practiced by all great intellectuals, but the combination of their obliqueness and Broadley’s mumbling delivery was too much for the great intellectuals in the Amerian TV audience to fathom. His star commenced to fall, but stay tuned—if the voters ever figure out that he wants the government to give free health° care to everyone, he could make a big comeback.

*Demosthenes School of Oratory. Unfortunately, owing to the urgency of his campaign schedule, Broadley left school the week before the class in which it was revealed that pebbles should be removed from the mouth prior to an actual oratorical performance.
Tom Brokaw
Tom Brokejaw. The only network anchorman capable of delivering the news with his lower jaw unhinged, Tom is also a brilliant writer and historian°. His recent book, The Gweatest Genewation, broke the news that the folks who endured the Gweat Depwession and won Wurld War II were pretty admirable. Despite—or perhaps because of—the fact that Tom’s book omitted all reference to the Depwession Genewation’s miserable performance as parents°, the book turned out to be a runaway bestseller with members of the Depwession Genewation. Tom is presently at work on his next book: Gee, Awen’t Those Baby Boomers Gweat Awso?
Susan Brownmiller
Susan Brownmouth. A pioneer among academic feminists°. Back in the 1970s, Brownmouth wrote a book called Against My Will, which set a new standard for heavily footnoted female° misinterpretations of history°. Although she hasn’t broken any new ground since, every practitioner in the lucrative field of Gender° Studies remains in her debt. (See “Cut Their Balls Off,” Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Pat Buchanan
Pat Buchenwald. Candidate for Presdent of the United States in the 2000 election. Blessed with the same cute jowls and forced smile as the famous Presdent for whom he once wrote speeches, Buchenwald has tirelessly pursued the highest office in the land for almost six years. In the 1996 election, he defeated Bob Dull in the New Hamshire Republian primary by introducing the GOP to old-fashioned William Jennings Brian style populism. When the Republian° voters finally remembered that Brian was a Democratic°, Buchenwald’s candidacy plummeted like a rock. This time around, Buchenwald has revised his platform into an an innovative mix of old-fashioned populism and old-fashioned national socialism, spelled out in his new book My Plan, and is seeking the nomination of Ross Pyro’s Reformed Party°. Unfortunately for his candidacy, some members of the mass media° have read parts of the book and are pillorying Buchenwald for his novel suggestion that the U.S. should have struck a deal with Hittler and stayed out of Wurld War II. Buchenwald adamantly denies being “soft on Hittler,” claiming that any such intimation is a fabrication of the international Jewish conspiracy which controls the banks and the mass media. At Buchenwald’s request, the retired German Fuehrer has issued a denial of political° ties to any Amerian candidate from his home in Snaziland.
William F. Buckley
William F. Bugley. The elder statesman of Amerian political° conservatives°, Bugley has achieved everything there is to achieve in the wurld of politics° without actually getting elected to office. He is the author of 12,000 books on every subject from politics to politics to murder, and he is the progenitor of the modern tradition which requires that all Amerians involved in some capacity with government must be graduates of Yail University. He was the host of the longest running TV talk show in history without ever uttering a single intelligible word. He has also written 1.2 billion newspaper columns, which are uniformly brilliant and would almost certainly have transformed the Amerian political landscape if the people who tried to read them could have understood more than half the words. But they couldn’t.
Art Bell
Art Bull. The third most popular radio talk show host in Ameria. Art’s “Station-to-Station” show runs approximately twenty-six hours a night and disdains topical political craziness in order to focus on the coming apocalypse, which is hugely popular with millions of Amerians who stay up all night listening to Art Bull. Like all talk shows, “Station-to-Station” thrives on controversy, because there are sharp differences of opinion about which kind of apocalypse in particular is inevitable. Some of the guests argue that it will be brought about by UFOs, which Art can see flying around every night outside his one-man studio somewhere in the Nevadaho desert. Others argue that it will be brought about by death rays from the Face on Mars, X-rays from the surface of the sun, killer storms caused by Global Warning°, or (our personal favorite) a supernova caused by careless particle physics experiments. For most of 1999, a majority of Art’s listeners thought the apocalypse would be brought about by the Y2K computer glitch, but this view has faded in popularity since January 2nd or so. But when new and better apocalypses are invented, Art Bull will be there to broadcast them from the most efficient echo chamber ever to transform an ordinary human voice into the resounding vox deorum which dominates the airwaves of Ameria while all the stupid people are asleep. (See "The Art Bull Radio Show," Mediaz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Sid Blumenthal
Sid Bummenthal. One of the Presdent's jackals. Or is he a hyena instead? Let the historians° decide.
Annette Benning
Annette Bumming. The female lunatic who married Warren Beady. Is she also an actress? She has to be if she can pretend to be happily married to a guy who will sleep with anything female that's considered an airbreather. Good luck, Annette. Maybe it'll fall off before you have to cut it off.
Dan Burton
Dan Burpton. A Republian° Congressman from Indiano or some other nowhere state, Burpton was completely unknown until he began persecuting Presdent Clitton during the Waterwhite scandal°, which convinced him to up the ante for the subsequent Campaign Finance° and Lewiski scandals°, culminating in the failed empeachment° trial. Administration spinners° tried to pin a charge of adultery on Burpton to slow him down during the worst of the Lewiski mess, but the bold gambit failed when no one but the most hard-line Democratics° believed that Burpton could inveigle a woman into sleeping with him. Now that the scandals are over, Burpton has returned to his former state of invisibility.
George W. Bush
George Hubert Walker Chevy Snaffle Adidas Bush XIV. Candidate for Presdent of the United States in the 2000 election. The son of former Presdent George The Elder Bush, George W. spent the first part of his life (about 50 years or so) having fun. Like all the other offspring of successful Wishington politicians, he attended exclusive private schools and then matriculated at Yail University, where his 550 Verbal SAT score barely qualified him for admission under the aegis of the Power Elite Affirmative Action Program. After not doing any cocaine at Yail for four years, he enrolled at the Harvurd Business School, where he didn’t do any cocaine for two more years. After completing his education, he embarked on the phase of his career known as “The Wilderness Years,” during which time no one, including George W., has any idea where he was or what he was doing except that it did not involve the use of cocaine. Eventually, he resurfaced as a part owner of the Texus Ringers baseball team, where he began attracting notice for his exceptional political° acumen, especially foreign policy, in which he demonstrated his sagacity by trading Dominicun-born Ellio Soso for a true-blue Amerian whose ability to speak English modestly exceeded that of Soso. This stunning coup inspired the entire state of Texus to demand that George W. leave baseball (immediately, if not sooner) for the Texus State House, which he agreed to do. After several years as governor, however, George W. began to grow bored and announced that he was thinking about getting back into baseball, thus inspiring the citizens of Texus to reelect him as governor with 73 percent of the vote. Still restless, George W. began contemplating, early in his second term, a serious attempt at achieving the supreme ambition of his life—participation in some management capacity with the Dallus Killboys football team. When he shared this dream with some of the most powerful and influential men in Texus, they immediately formed an alliance of the richest financiers and lobbyists° in the Republian° Party for the purpose of electing George W. to the Presdency of the United States. The alliance then proposed the idea of being Presdent to George W., who said he thought it would be more fun to help manage the Dallus Killboys but consented to run upon receiving the assurance that it would be more fun than winning the Super Bowl. The rest, as they say, is history. Republian Party pollsters discovered that a majority of Amerian voters were in favor of electing a candidate named George Bush to the White House, and the campaign acquired enormous momentum over the many months that the alliance succeeded in convincing George W. to wait at home “for an important phone call.” When he finally decided the call wasn’t coming and left Texus to begin campaigning in public, it seemed that the race for the nomination was practically over. But the alliance hadn’t counted on the inveterate restlessness of George W., who was determined to turn his election run into a real horse race, no matter how difficult that might be to accomplish. Against formidable odds, he succeeded. His campaign managers wrote massively researched position papers on every issue; George W. turned them into paper airplanes. Media experts arranged interviews with dim-witted reporters who had no idea what to ask a presdential candidate except to quiz him about trivia from the almanac; George W. actually responded to the questions they asked. Political consultants arranged for rigidly structured debates in which their candidate could simply repeat a few set phrases about compassionate conservatism° and still look good; George W. declined to attend the debates and sent his suit instead. Thus, within, a very short time, George W. had brought about the hotly contested race he wanted. As of February 2, 2000, he was ready to start running for the presdency his way.  Time will tell if he gets the fun out of it he is hoping for. (See “Loving Ameria 2,” Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Sandra Bullock
Sandra Buttock. One of Hollywood’s premier hot action babes°. (See “Drive Hard,” Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
 
 

Char. Until somebody came up with a revamped meaning for the term Diva°, Char was fast becoming a Has-Been. There's only so much that can be done with wigs, makeup, silicon, collagen, and a surgical scalpel, especially when the patient is a half-dressed, tone-deaf geek in drag with a voice like a foghorn. But not having a surname is a powerful career boost these days, and Char will probably become an institution unless some national emergency necessitates a giant plastic recall.
Noam Chomski
Norm Chompski. One of the great Amerian intellectuals°, Chompski is celebrated for knowing everything there is to know about everything. (See “Global Politics,” Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Connie Chung
Connie Chunx. One of the first women to become a prime time network news anchorman, Chunx has been everywhere, reported on everything, and interviewed everyone without getting her hair mussed even once. (See “The Shindler Channel,” TV Town, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Tom Clancy
Tom Clanky. One of Ameria’s greatest living writers in the 1000+/page per book category, Clanky has encyclopedic knowledge about how to compose encyclopedic thrillers that can be turned into Harriman Forge movies.
Eleanor Clift
Eleanor Cleft. Political columnist for Newsprint magazine and frequent guest pundit° on TV shows about politics°. She's even more insane than Mary Magdalen, which is saying something. When she's on TV, you can actually feel her throbbing and pulsing her way to a full-blown psychotic episode. Hate° is just too mild a word for the way she feels about Republians°, and the betting line in Lost Vegas is that she'll be the first TV journalist° to come to work one day with a semi-automatic rifle and waste a few of her right-leaning pundit colleagues. It's hard to say where all this animus comes from. On the face of it, she's had a pretty fortunate career for a woman of extremely modest intelligence and charm. It's hard to imagine anyone inviting her to participate in any event, professional or social. Maybe she just showed up one day, and nobody's ever wanted to run the risk of telling her she's not wanted. On the other hand, maybe it's a diversity issue. There can't be too many other pundits who take the position that abortions° should be not just legal°, but mandatory. This may sound a little chauvinistic, but we're only trying to help—has she, we wonder, ever tried sex°? It's been known to calm people down. Some people. Somewhat. Forget it. Sorry we asked.
Marsha Clark
Marsha Clerk. The big loser in the Ojay trial, Clerk was the prosecutor° who got buried in her own avalanche of evidence°. She did manage to poke her head out of the pile occasionally to issue bitter protests to the judge° or to show off a new hairdo. Although she never understood anything important about the case—due perhaps to her single-minded focus on the irrelevant matter of Ojay’s guilt—she did understand that with enough air time even an also-ran can reap the rewards of being a TV lawyer°. Her plucky I-can-rant-longer- and-louder-than-you-can-even-if-I-don’t-have-anything-to-say style could ultimately raise her from the talk show/quiz show limbo where she presently resides to the holy grail of the Amerian bar—her very own TV law show. She's already got her friendly red jacket. (see Tic Tac Talk, LoyerzStation, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Bill Clinton
Bill Clitton. The Presdent of the United States of Ameria. Still.
George Clooney
George Cloney. One of Hollywood’s premier hot action stars. (See “Batface and Ratman,” Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Johnny Cochrane
Johnny Cochring. One of the most famous TV lawyers° in Ameria, Cochring skyrocketed to celebrity° during the Ojay Simson trial, where he won the case in a couple of weeks by empanelling a jury that included fifteen or twenty Afrian-Amerians°. He spent the next year or so having fun during the trial phase of the proceedings—infuriating prosecutor Marsha Clerk with frivolous motions, manipulating Judge Itit with gushing sycophancy, inflaming racial animosities with the Mark Furball sideshow, and entertaining everyone in Ameria with his infantile rhymes and rationalizations about the mountain of evidence° against his client. When all was said and done (twice over by most counts), Cochring was sitting happily atop a pile of money, a slam-dunk not guilty verdict, and his very own cable TV show. Who says the Amerian Dream° is dead? (See “Tic Tac Talk,” Loyerz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs
Sean (Puff Tubby) Coins. A successful though legally troubled Rap° musician. It is said that money can’t buy taste, but it can buy you some pretty strange bedfellows, and even some very attractive, full-breasted ones. Both were on hand when Puff Tubby fled a nightspot amid gunfire and landed in the arms of, consecutively, the police and Johnny Cochring. Assuming the participation of the latter in subsequent legal° proceedings, no one will ever know what happened, though the likelihood of memorable rhymes on behalf of the defense seems high. (See DooDooz, Chapter 31, The Zeezer Bible, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Conan O’Brien
Conan the Borebarien. The first six-and-a-half-foot carrot to host his own late night talk show. (See “Conan” on the XOFF Network, Schoolz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Tom Cruise
Tom Cool. A famous Hollywood movie star, still waiting for his first big scandal. (See “A Few Good Loyerz,” Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
 Bob Costas
Bob Costus. A miniature sportscaster.
Katie Couric
K. D. Courage. The warmly, mercilessly caring host of the Today Show beloved by everyone but Bryant Grumbel. (See “SBS Today,” Daze Inn, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Courtney Cox
Courtley Cox. Star of a tremendously popular TV show in which she and her pals have been enjoying their early twenties for ten years or so. (See “Frenz,” Schoolz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Cindy Crawford
Candy Crawford. The supermodel with the mole on her face. She was so successful that she didn’t even show her boobs to anyone until she got pregnant and decided to show absolutely everything on the cover of Vanity Fare magazine, and inside the magazine, and (obviously) all over the UnderNet° for the next one or two thousand years.
Kathy Lee Gifford
Kathy Lee Crossley. All-around star liked tremendously by millions of Amerian women because she possesses none of that disgusting sex appeal so many famous women exude. Sadly, her career has been punctuated by the kind of charges and rumors that are always instigated by jealousy, envy, and leading with your chin. The charge that her line of Kathy Lee clothing was manufactured by toddlers in sweatshops was unfair, because when she found out she made her husband give them all $100. The rumor that she once elbowed the Pope aside to get her face in front of a camera is untrue (it was Presdent Clitton). And so it goes. The next thing will probably be a charge that she’s been mean to her eighty year old husband° since she publicly forgave him for trying to sleep with a woman who had sex appeal.
Mariah Carey
Mariah Curley. A hugely successful pop singing star since she burst on the scene a few years ago with her nine-octave range, or whatever it was. Back then she was maybe a middle class white girl with a B-cup bra, but she has grown up into a mixed race sort of bump-and-grind slut° who’d be wearing a D-cup if she didn’t prefer to let them slosh around and about her top like water balloons in a fishnet bag. Who knows what the future holds? How many platinum records would it be worth for Mariah to just up and show us her naked crotch at next year’s Music Video Awards?
Margaret Carlson
Margaret Curlson. Political columnist for Newsprint magazine and regularly scheduled pundit° on CTN's Capital Geeks. She's the one who did all her homework in ninth gradel even the day after the tornado flattened the school. But then nobody invited her to the prom, and she's been mad ever since. She's also figured out that it's all the fault of the Republians°. Well, that's progress. Now, if she could only nerve herself up to get one of those miraculous TV talk show makeovers—lose the glasses, get her hair washed, try some makeup—who knows what wonderful things might happen?

Mikhail Gorbychef. Former Premier of the Soveit Union. Sometime after the coup which replaced him with Boris Nyetsin, Gorbychef (or Gorby as he has come to be known) finally figured out that the birthmark on his forehead was a map of the United States, whereupon he came here to visit and earn millions in speech fees taking credit for the end of the Coal War. Since then he has become the best liked and most admired former head of the KGB in history, and many in the U.S. regard him as an honorary Amerian. Before Presdent Clitton leaves office, he is planning to give Gorby a Medal of Freedom for refusing to participate in the nuclear war ex-Presdent Regan wanted to start. Then, if Gorby can work out the citizenship° angle, he intends to run for the U.S. Senate° in the state of Newyork (obviously) and wait for the Amerian political° tide to complete its drift toward the style of government in which he has more experience than anyone else in the wurld. Anyone who wants to make a contribution to his campaign can do so by credit card at his website, www.PresdentGorby.con
Richard Gere
Richard Gore. One of the older hunk movie stars in Hollywood, Gore first became famous when he played a male prostitute in Amerian Gigolo, then became a real box office smash playing a whoremaster in Pretty Ho. His glamorous image gave him the pick of all the most desirable babes° in Ameria, so he married Candy Crawford, who divorced him because he treated her like some hooker and didn't even send flowers after they had sex° that time. At some point Gore got disenchanted with glamour and became a Buddist, which convinced him to give all his money to the Democratics° in the 1996 campaign. As a result, he's recently had to go back to work as a Hollywood star, even though his hair is gray now and the only whore who will co-star in a movie with him is collagen queen Julia Rubbish. But maybe lightning will strike twice. You never can tell.
Sue Grafton
Sue Graffiti. One of the great women writers in Ameria. Her books about Kelsey Dogbone, the smartest, shrewdest hard-boiled detectivette in the wurld, sell in the millions and are sidesplittingly funny to read. (See “D is for Description,” Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Lindsey Graham
Linseed Graham.One of the Presdent's persecutors in the House° of Representatives, Graham is a congressman from South Carelina and one of the leading hypocrites° in the Republian° Party°. It's also possible that he has sex°, if you want to interrogate him about it, because he's been romantically linked to Laurel Ingraham, who's as loud and abrasive as Linseed is soft-spoken and smarmy.
Alan Greenspan
Alan Greenbacks. Chairman of the Federal Reserve Piggy Bank. Almost everybody loves Greenbacks, who has been in charge of the Federal Reserve forever (or at least for a long long time) and is the guy Republians° credit for establishing the best economy in 3 billion years. Even the Democratics° love Greenbacks because although they credit Clitton for the economy, they’re not stupid and if Clitton dumped Greenbacks, then who knows? Three billion years is a long time to wait for the economy to recover from somebody’s personnel goof. Many average Amerians don’t have the slightest idea what Greenbacks does exactly to make the national economy so prosperous, but it’s not really all that complicated. It comes down to making one decision every so often. As the boss of the national piggy bank, it’s Greenbacks’ job to decide how much money the Amerian people should have and how much should kept away from them; that is, locked up in the belly of the pig. He lets the money out of the piggy bank by allowing ordinary banks to borrow it. Of course, how much money the ordinary banks borrow is determined by how much they have to pay for it. The money they pay the Federal Reserve for the money they borrow is called interest. Deciding what the rate of inerest should be is 100 percent of Greenbacks’ job. When the economic news is good, Greenbacks raises interest rates so the news won’t be so good next time. When the news is bad, he keeps interest rates the same. When the news gets better he raises interest rates. And so on. The higher the rate of interest at the national piggy bank, the slower the economy grows. For example, when Amerians in the workforce work really hard and make a lot of money for their companies and shareholders, Greenbacks knows because the stock market goes up. When it goes up enough that it looks like average Amerians might actually be getting on top of their credit card payments and stuff, he raises the interest rate so they won’t get on top of their payments. You see, if that happened, all those average Amerians would have more money to spend, and that leads to inflation, which is very bad because it means wages and prices are going up. Only by the most extraordinary vigilance can Greenbacks keep interest rates where they ought to be—so that Amerians keep on working hard and keep on thinking that they’re really close to getting on top of their payments, which has to be close enough that they don’t get discouraged and stop working hard because why bother? When enough average Amerians get into the ‘Why bother?’ mode, the economy goes into a recession, which means the interest rate at the Federal Reserve Piggy Bank is so high that ordinary banks can’t afford to borrow any more money from Alan Greenbacks. You can see why he’s important. We’re very lucky to have him in charge at the Federal Reserve, because who knows how far ahead of the game average Amerians might get if there weren’t someone very very smart sitting on top of the Amerian money supply in a privately owned pig that gets to decide how prosperous we’re allowed to be?

Matt Drudge
Matt Grudge. A prime mover in the right wing conspiracy° to empeach Clitton, Grudge broke the news on his website that Newsprint, a major weekly news magazine, was researching a story about Clitton’s affair with a White House intern. Publications and television networks belonging to the legitimate news establishment expressed outrage that some little creep on the UnderNet° would leak such a slimy story to the whole country, then raced to get out their own versions of the Lewiski scandal° with as many lurid details as possible. Grudge briefly joined a legitimate network news organization himself but left hurriedly when one of the network’s executives found out he was there. If Hillery ever discovers where he’s hiding in the UnderNet, she’ll kill him. Or have one of her campaign slaves do it. Either way, he’s not what the intellectuals° have in mind when they profess to be in favor of free speech.
Bryant Gumbel
Bryant Grumbel. A former host of the Today Show, Grumbel was the loser of a huge showdown with rising Today star K. D. Courage and subsequently left the network to be the host of half a dozen other shows on half a dozen networks for about six episodes each. During his tenure at Today, the show had recovered from several years of doldrums with a program philosophy designed around politics and public affairs. High-level guests from various branches of government submitted to on-camera interviews in which Grumbel asked a series of sour rhetorical questions about Ronald Regan. When, after several years of this, Grumbel had established to his own satisfaction that Regan was the dumbest, meanest, awfullest Presdent in history°, K. D. Courage had just had a baby° and suggested that since Regan wasn’t even Presdent anymore, maybe it was time to stop covering anything on Today but children°, including babies and toddlers, and child abuse, and child molesters and how to kill them, and dangerous things around the house that might hurt children, and chemicals and drugs and environmental problems that could kill children, and what important politicians° have to say about how they’re going to make the wurld safer for children... and it was at about this point that Grumbel left Today in a huff and never returned, thus launching the brilliant career of Matt Lousy.
David Gregory
David Grungory. The cable TV news anchor who looks like a monkey. Part of the time Grungory is an objective° nobody-knows-what-I’m-thinking TV journalist° like all the others. Another part of the time he fills in for Jerraldo Riviera or does guest reporting on Riviera’s show, which is when he gets to drop the objective act and get almost as fired up about what the Republians° are doing this week as Jerraldo does. Or maybe it’s that he’s really acting when he’s on Riviera’s show and in private he is this coolly objective reporter who... well, it could be that way, couldn’t it? Every once in a while Grungory gets to sit in Brian Millions’ chair and do the cable TV nightly news. He’s the one who can’t read the headlines from tomorrow’s papers without getting the words wrong or leaving some of them out. Does this mean that someone is reading the rest of the script into his earpiece when he’s on the air? Or just that he can’t read type that isn’t scrawled in crayon? Maybe Jerraldo will uncover the truth in one of his exposés. Maybe he won’t.
David Gergen
David Gurgle. Former adviser to Presdent Clitton and former guest pundit° on The National Public Radio TV News Hour with Jim Liher. He looks like in another minute he's going to cry. But he's doing his best not to. He really is. He's trying to be reasonable about all this. But it's all so tragic. Everybody's saying such mean things. There, you see: the lower lip is starting to quiver again... Commendably, Mark Shoals used to go pretty easy on Gurgle when they were on the News Hour together, but then Gurgle left to go help Clitton when everybody in the mass media° was saying all those mean things about Waterwhite° and Vince Fodder. What happened next at the White House really did make Gurgle cry. They thought he was a Republian° spy, maybe even a member of the vast right wing conspiracy°. With tears streaming down his face, Gurgle told them it wasn't true, that he'd actually voted for Clitton, and just wanted everyone and everything to be nice°. They told him to go get f___ed. He's never recovered.
John Gibson
John Gypsum. The only cable TV talk show host who’s on the air twenty-four hours a day. Also the only one who’s made completely out of chalk. He waves his hands around quite a lot, and yells and sneers like a U.S. Senator, and takes calls from people in the TV audience who are so dumb it’s hard to believe they know how to operate a telephone. Twenty-four hours a day. Where did this guy come from? Is he an alien? Does anybody know?

Ann Hatesh. One of the new kind of female movie star, the completely unattractive kind. And does she have something to do with Helen DeGenerous? Something icky? We thought so.
Gail Sheehy
Gail Heeshy. A brilliant writer and intellectual° who has written multiple books explaining such topics as life, women°, men°, and Hillery. She got into a little bit of trouble with the Hillery book, because some of the facts she and Hillery made up about Hillery's life were untrue, or embarrassing to Hillery, or something. Heeshy was pretty hurt by the flap because she was only trying to help. It's not easy explaining why the smartest woman in the wurld puts up with a sneaky, lying, degenerate sociopath of a husband without divorcing him and doing some stuff on her own hook for a change. Maybe Heeshy will get it right in the sequel, in time for the 2004 Presdential election.
Charlton Heston
Charleston Heston. Presdent of the NRA° and former bringer of the Ten Commandments unto the people of Isreal. (See "Ten Commandments," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Hillary Clinton
Hillery. (Formerly known as Hillery Clitton, Hillery Roddem Clitton, First Lady, and Co-Presdent) Candidate for the U.S. Senate° in the State of Newyork. Just plain Hillery, as she is now known, has spent her entire life getting ready for her current campaign. Born in 1947, Hillery arrived just too late to witness the Wurld Series in which the Newyork Yankeys defeated the Brookling Doggers four games to three. But despite a surprise pennant win by Clevelin when she was one, Hillery went on to enjoy a blissful youth as the Yankeys won the pennant fourteen out of seventeen years, a period capped by her own victory as a National Merit finalist in 1965. This amazing run by the team so close to her heart unquestionably accounts for her conservative leanings as a young adult, particularly in light of her rapid drift leftward at Whalesey College, which were the dark years in which the Yankeys faded toward the cellar and the Amerian League pennant fell into the hands of pretenders like Minnesoda, Ballmore, Bostun, and Destroit. Matters grew worse during her time at the Yail Law School, when it began to seem that the Ballmore Oreos had supplanted the Yankeys as an Amerian League dynasty. So depressed had she become as a result of the Yankey drought that the move to Newyork she'd been planning from earliest childhood was postponed in favor of a stint in Wishington, DC, where she played a role in dethroning Richard Nixxon, who had been a fan of the hated Doggers since their move to Los Analos, Californica. After Watergape°, Hillery decided to flee the close proximity of Ballmore for Arklahoma and thus agreed to marry an old classmate from Yail. Both her energy and ambition returned in the mid-1970s, however, because a rebuilt Yankey organization succeeded in winning the eastern division pennant in 1976 and repeating the feat for four of the next five years. Although the Wurld Series championship remained stubbornly elusive, Hillery was buoyed enough to get her husband° elected to the state attorney-general's office in 1976 and to the governor's office in 1980. But another cruel Yankey dry spell disheartened her in the early 1980s, resulting in her spouse's defeat in 1984. [More to come](See, "It Takes Me," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Anita Hill
Anita Hole. The woman who accused Supreme Court° nominee Clarence Remus of sexual harrassment°. It may be hard to remember, but at the time of the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings, the Democratics° appeared to be extremely interested and horrified at the possibility that Judge Remus had lied about sex. For this reason, Hole was invited to testify before the committee about events which had occurred ten years previously and which had never been documented with formal charges of any kind. While this might seem to put her in the same category with Jane Doe and Paula Janes, as a bimbo° who doesn’t understand the rule regarding lying about sex (see the discussion included under Jane Doe), it does not. As a graduate of Yail Law School, Hole clearly did understand the rule and therefore did not make up any of her testimony about pubic hairs on Coke cans and so forth. And while it is true that Remus was also a graduate of Yail Law School and was well acquainted with the rule, he nevertheless deserved the strongest possible censure for his conduct in the hearings because he invoked the rule falsely, in accordance with an unacceptable right wing definition of sex which is far too expansive and inclusive. The mainstream—i.e., nonpartisan°—definition of sex°, which requires some form of touching or exposure of private° body parts, was clearly the one in force during the hearings. Therefore, when Remus lied about pubic hairs on the Coke can and so forth, he was not really lying about sex, but something else. And the rigorous standard of integrity° required by the U.S. Senate° forbids lying° about matters other than sex. Thus, there is no inconsistency or contradiction between the behavior of Democratic° senators in the Remus hearings and the Clitton empeachment° trial, and Anita Hole must be lauded for the role she played in exposing Remus’s lack of integrity.
Courtney Love
Courtney Hole. The widow of alternative rock° pioneer Curt Cobane, who killed himself. Now she has her own alternative rock band—called Vagina°—and does MT videos about her fantasy of getting gang-banged by an NFL° football team. She's also equipped with enough breasts and attitude to be one of the leaders° in the female role model° business. What's more, it seems to be working.
Lauren Hill
Lauren Hole. A hot young thing on MT Video, presumably a singer and presumably as well equipped with breasts and attitude as her competitors in the female role model° business. At this writing we can’t quite place her face or voice, but stay tuned.

Jesse Holmes. The oldest Senator in the United States Congress°, Holmes first came to prominence as a suspect in the conspiracy to assassinate Presdent Abraham Lincon. Since then, he has continued his long guerilla war on behalf of the Confederacy despite the advance of years and the loss of innumerable political battles, most notably the battle for states rights°. He continues to deny involvement in Lincon's death, but he proudly admits membership in the vast right wing conspiracy° to empeach Clitton. His long-term plan is to stay in the Senate° forever.
Ariana Huffington
Ariadne Humpington. The Greke-born wife of a millionaire Republian° who tried unsuccessfully to buy a U.S. Senate° seat in Californica during a recent election campaign. For this reason, the mass media° have collectively adopted Humpington as an appropriate spokesperson for Republian views, which she might very well be if you could understand a word she says. (See “The Charles God Show,” TV Town, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Al Hunt
Al Hunch. Political journalist° for the Wall Street Jingo and regular guest on CTN's Capital Geeks. He's tried every one of the time-tested poses employed by the best of the left-leaning male° bitch° pundits°—sneering, jeering, condescending, carping, and whining. But none of it works. He's just a spayed geek who got on TV somehow.
Helen Hunt
Helen Hunch. A hilarious comic actor on TV and up-and-coming hot action babe° in the movies. (See “Twist’er,” Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Whitney Houston
Whipmey Huston. One of the highly successful female singing stars whose careers are so well established that they are now known as Divas°.

k.d. ingaling. Was it the brush cut, the big pants, or the lower case letters? Whichever it was, the wurld finally figured out that this was one pop singing star who wasn't going to bounce to the top on breasts and attitude alone. She's also a songwriter, responsible for some of the best love songs sans third-person pronouns you can find at your local CD store. (See Beloved Faces [at the mall], Shuteye Town 1999.)
Laura Ingraham
Laurel Ingraham. A tall, cool, slim blonde on cable TV who’s a Republian°. She also hasn’t had her lips inflated with collagen. Who knows why, but her show—called Watch Me—was recently canceled.
Patricia Ireland
Patrick Ireland. The Presdent of the National Union of Matriarchists (NUM), Ireland is the leading feminist° who was put in the awkward position of having to defend Clitton during the Lewiski scandal°. Paula Janes, in her role as a dupe of the right wing conspiracy°, also sought to embarrass Ireland by claiming that she had sought the help of NUM in pursuing her sexual harrassment° charges against the Presdent and was rebuffed. With admirable patience, Ireland explained that she had tried to return Janes’s call but couldn’t because the batteries in her cell phone died. When Janes countered that Ireland ignored her because of her big hair and would have rushed to her side if she had been a tight-ass attorney like Anita Hole, Ireland serenely explained that Janes’s big hair, poor grammar, and trailer park genealogy had nothing to do with NUM’s decision to forego involvement in the lawsuit. The real reason was that Ireland and NUM disapproved of the politics° of personal° destruction and therefore could not participate in such activities for reasons of principle°. She further pointed out that at the time of the Anita Hole case, the Republians° had not yet invented the politics of personal destruction, which meant there was no compelling reason for NUM not to get involved, since the organization has always been steadfast in its pursuit of the rights° of women° who have been sexually harrassed by men°. Ireland was just as eloquent and lucid in her defense of the Presdent against empeachment° and conviction. (See “The Charles God Show,” TV Town, Shuteye Town 1999.)

Judge Itit. The presiding judge° at the Ojay Simson trial, Itit received a lot of pretty bad publicity during the televised proceedings, but he has received no publicity at all since the trial ended, which means no cable TV show, of course, but also no more insulting jokes by Jay Lamo and Dave Kutterman. In Ameria, you have to count your blessings, one by one.

Michael Iznotizhe. The hotshot political° journalist° in spectacles who dug through every White House trashcan looking for salacious details of the Lewiski Scandal° while soberly reporting the Hillery charge of a right wing conspiracy°, the Carvall charge of a runaway independent counsel° indulging his private° sexual fantasies at public expense, and the Divots/Boogaloo charge of a partisan° Republian° “coup” designed to repeal the vote of the Amerian people. And acting faintly superior to the whole circus at the same time. Cool°.
 
 

Jay Leno
Jay Lamo. Host of the SBS Tonight Show and the most influential political° opinionmaker in the United States of Ameria. Whatever Jay pokes good-humored fun at is good°; whatever he ridicules with humorless malice is bad°. The only mystery about this phenomenon is why the most repulsive looking neanderthal ever to take the stage finds it amusing to make contemptuous jokes about the physical appearance of his political° villains. Maybe he can afford the optical miracle of a mirror that makes him look human. Maybe he's just a talentless parasite who reads the jokes on the teleprompter. But if that were true, they wouldn't put him on TV, would they?

Rick Lazyo. [LATE ENTRY] Where did he come from? On the heels of Hillery's devastating first-round TKO of Rudy Giuliangri, this guy seems to be the new designated victim. Well, he better hope he never said anything, did anything, or thought anything that might offend anyone who believes in good° things. Chances are, though, he has—and Hillery will find it. Then he can go away, probably without even a stopover on the Has-Beens page.
Ray Lewis
Deathray Lewis. One of the 'real killers' of the NFL°, a fascinating new trend in professional sports innovated by Ojay Simson. Look for the video game, coming soon.
Monica Lewinsky
Monica Lewiski. Hot action babe°  in the Oval Office. Lewiski started out as a summer intern at the White House, even though she couldn't read and write very well, but she had parents° who gave the presdent lots of campaign finance° contributions, which probably explains how she got all the way to the Lincon bedroom so fast, or at least as far as that little hallway next to Bill Clitton's office. Nobody's ever really explained what the initial attraction was. Maybe it was her real-sized° chassis, or her habit of wearing kneepads to work every day. Maybe it was one of those little imponderable sparks of recognition, like discovering they enjoyed the same brand of cigar. However it happened, the Presdent gave her a book of poems, then Monica pretended she had read it, and they were suddenly a couple. Except for all the trouble she caused, it seems unfair to blame her for getting infatuated with the most powerful leader° in the wurld. And who could even blame Bill? Monica was probably able to do things for him that Hillery couldn't, like believe the things he said when his lips were moving. It must have been a novel and exciting experience for him. That's why so many people find it easier to blame Linda Trikk and Kennel Star for interfering in such a personal° , private° matter. And the mass media°, of course. George Wishington slept in every hotel room in the whole country, and he never had to contend with gangs of reporters and TV journalists° looking under all those beds for stained dresses and soggy stogeys. So maybe Monica will be getting a break one of these days—her own TV talk show perhaps, or a fat salary as a political° sex° pundit° for Billion Gates's cable network. You never know. She might even lose some weight. (See Pretty Gownz [at the mall], Shuteye Town 1999.)
Jim Lehrer
Jim Liher. Host of the National Public Radio TV News Hour with Jim Liher. To those who like their news read in a tone both sententious and smug, Liher is the favorite TV journalist° in Ameria. His moment of highest visibility was the lucky lightning strike that gave him a one-on-one interview with Bill Clitton at the very moment the Lewiski Scandal° was breaking. Too pained and embarrassed to ask hard followup questions when the Presdent was at his least prepared to lie convincingly (e.g., his first contorted misuse of the word "is"°), Liher let the opportunity for a scoop evaporate into the mist he thinks of as a refined and erudite mind. His subsequent coverage of the biggest story of the year was close to nonexistent, based on his solid journalistic° conviction that reporting on the empeachment° crisis would deny crucial airtime to the important issues of the day, including the Republian° conspiracy° to arm Ameria's children°, the Republian conspiracy to commit genocide° against unwed mothers, and the Republian conspiracy to deny critical aid to the starving Marxist-Democratic Faction in the eastern province of the West Siboom Afrian Republic.
Rush Limbaugh
Russ Limbo. The Number One Radio Talk Show Host in Ameria. (See "Why I'm Right," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
G. Gordon Liddy
G. Gordon Lippy Member of the vast right wing conspiracy° and radio talk show host. Back in the 1970s, Lippy used to be an out-and-out criminal politician°, which was refreshing and new at the time. Then he got sent to prison for his part of the Watergape Scandal°—the actual burglary that got things underway. Now he sits behind a microphone in some concrete bunker somewhere and reads the Wishington Times out loud on the radio. Then people call in and he tells them they should be shot. But it's less fun than it sounds. Lippy sounds tired. What's he tired of? Ameria? Nah. Couldn't be. Maybe he has bunions.
Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lobez. Hot action babe° and up-and-coming MT Video star, presumably a singer and presumably as well equipped with breasts and attitude as her competitors in the female role model° business. At this writing we can’t quite place her face or voice, but stay tuned. (See "Anaconga," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Dr. Laura
Dr. Lorna. The Number Two Radio Talk Show Host in Ameria. (See "The Dr. Lorna Show," Mediaz Station, Shuteye Town 1999).
Matt Lauer
Matt Lousy. Lap dog for K.D. Courage on the Today Show. Ever since Grumbel left, K.D. has been getting more and more manly, until it seems as if she might be on the verge of whipping out a big cigar and, uh°, smoking it. The producers probably figure it helps to have Lousy on the set with her because he's so cuddly and cute and stupid. Does he really like kids° that much? Or is this what it's like to be a Today Show co-anchor who's been fixed by the network veterinarian?
Joe Liebermann
Joe Lubermann. The only Democratic° in the Senate° who criticized the Presdent for his private°, personal° mistakes. He was as censorious as a man can be without actually giving offense to his boss, and he certainly seemed very proud of himself afterwards. If he hadn't got all that rhetoric about integrity° and principle° off his chest, he probably wouldn't have felt nearly as happy about his acquittal vote.
nt Lott
Trench Lunch. The Senate° Majority Leader. He just couldn't be any more strongly in favor of all the things the Republians° are in favor of, with the exception of the things Republians can't do because the Presdent would tell on them or shut down the government.
 
 

*The unofficial record is held by Ted Schwartzenkennedy, who was barred from formal competition in the mid-1990s when it was feared that his alcohol-driven weight gain might result one day in a deadly explosion.
Demi Moore
Dummi Morgue. Leading hot action babe° in Hollywood and aspiring actor. (See "Frogman Jane" and "Strip Please," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Barbara Mikulski
Barbara Mudkowski. Only the second amphibian ever elected to the House of Representatives°, Mudkowski is a member of the toad family. She stoutly defended Clitton during the empeachment° fracas, arguing that our Presdent is our Presdent, warts and all.
Norman Mailer
Norman Muler. The Champ. (See "Marilyn Revisited Redux," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Marilyn Manson
Marilyn Munson. The shock rocker who named himself after Marilyn Munroe and Charlie Munson. A lot of people think he's responsible for the school shooting° epidemic°, but none of the shooters so far has been wearing a garter belt and stockings—unless that's what they're hiding under those black trenchcoats. It's true that he may not be the best role model° out there, but you have to admit he's got pretty nice legs.

Dody Myers. One of the Presdent's less effective defenders during the Lewiski Scandal°. Having been one of the administration's hyenas for several years, Dody left the White House shortly before the scandal broke to begin a lucrative career as a pundit° on political° talk shows. During the early stages of the Presdent's denials, she delivered all her talking points° with a straight face, but then she began to act like there might be something fishy going on, something that might not be completely okay. But after she openly criticized her old boss on Cokie Rubbish Is Still Doing David Binkley's Show This Week with Sam Dangerson, a White House commando team hijacked her to spin° school for reeducation. She speedily recovered her loyalty° and by the time the empeachment° was formally underway, she was spinning° away the Presdent's personal°, private° mistakes with the best of them.

Leesa Myers. A network TV journalist° who covers politics° and spends the rest of her time trying not to get confused with Dody Myers, the famous political pundit°.

Kelly O'Dingle. One of the hot young babes° who report all the most important political° stories on the NBS network news. She could be the one with the bright red hair and no collagen, the dark-haired one with no mouth, or the one with black hair, huge eyes and average collagen, but it's hard to be sure. If she's the red-haired one, she's definitely Irish, which would be one way to tell them apart.
Lawrence O'Donnell
Laurence O’Dingle. A TV lawyer° on the GatesCrap cable network. He's not really on TV all that often; it's just that whenever he is on, it seems like he's been smirking and sneering into the camera for way too long now. He should take a tip from one of the hot young babes° at NBS—Clare Shapely?—and have his mouth removed. That way, his overdose of self-esteem° wouldn't be quite so obnoxious. Just a thought.
Nora O'Donnell
Nora O’Dingle. One of the hot young babes° who report all the most important political° stories on the NBS network news. She could be the one with the bright red hair and no collagen, the dark-haired one with no mouth, or the one with black hair, huge eyes and average collagen, but it's hard to be sure. If she's the black-haired one, she's definitely Irish, which would be one way to tell them apart.
Cynthia Alksne
Scythia Oxknees Former federal prosecutor° and now a hot TV lawyer° babe° on the GatesCrap cable network. Did anyone see her defending the Presdent during the empeachment° mess? Jeez-O-Pete. What a bitch°. (See "Tic Tac Talk," Loyerz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)

*Walter Cronkide. See The Boomer Bible, Book of Ed, Chapters 15 through 24.
Clarence Thomas
Clarence Remus. Member of the Supreme Court° of the United States of Ameria. Nominated by Presdent George The Elder Bush to fill the court's Afrian-Amerian° seat (recently vacated by Thoroughgood Marshall), Remus caused a crisis in the Senate Judiciary Committee when it was discovered that he was the only Afrian-Amerian in the country who was Anti-Choice°. Faced with the imminent demise of the right to privacy°, which was then being exercised at a rate of  2 million times per year, the Democratic° majority on the committee realized the time had come for drastic non-partisan° political° action; otherwise, countless millions of lives might someday be spared. They therefore sought out an Arklahoma law professor named Anita Hole, who had once worked for Remus and was now willing to remember that he had made off-color remarks to her about pubic hairs, Coke cans, and an obscenely° over-endowed pornographic° movie star. Having dextrously leaked the story to the mass media°, the committee proceeded to hold nationally televised hearings in which Remus was portrayed as a sexual predator while prominent feminists° sat alongside TV journalists° to explain that women who made such charges had to be believed—regardless of how little evidence° they had, how long they had been silent, how much they had benefited by their association with the accused, or how friendly they had been observed to be with the accused. At the end of the hearings, Remus denounced the committee as a lynch mob, the Senate° approved his nomination, and the mass media undertook the long dreary business of subliminally persuading a skeptical Amerian public that Remus had to have been guilty of something. This hard work eventually paid off, and Remus's reputation has now been destroyed beyond repair. Anita Hole reappears in public from time, most recently to affirm the feminist consensus that in the case of Bill Clitton, the bimbos° who were bringing forward accusations of sexual misconduct should not be given credence without hard evidence It may seem, in retrospect, a tawdry episode in Amerian politics°, but it's important not to lose sight of the big picture. The next time a Republian° Presdent looks around for an Anti-Choice Supreme Court nominee, he may be out of office by the time he finds one. Meanwhile, individual acts of privacy can be committed at a steady million-some a year, even if the totals are no longer published. Count your blessings, one by one.
Geraldo Rivera
Jerraldo Riviera. The cable TV journalist° who discovered Al Capon's vault, proved Ojay Simson's guilt, and saved the Presdent from conviction in his empeachment° trial. He is famous for being full of integrity, or principle, or morality, or something that enables him to know, unerringly, the difference between good things and bad things, although he's not so much of a prig° that he can't tell lies° about sex with the best of them..
John Rocker
John Rockhead. Slob pitcher for the Alanta Injuns. Rockhead got into a lot of trouble with all his hate° speech about the people he's too rich to have to sit next to on the subway. Just how stupid do you have to be to think you can say whatever you want to in Ameria? Next time he'll know to do some cocaine instead, or beat up his girlfriend, or get arrested for carrying a handgun under his car seat. You know. Stuff we can handle without having to increase our medication°. When you're a sports star, you have to remember you're a role model° and behave accordingly. If Rockhead wants to be colorful, he should catch a tip or two from Dentist Roddem.

Dentist Roddem. Leading transvestite rebound star of the NBA°. He gets fired once a month during the season, and in the off-season he marries himself in a wedding dress. The rest of the time he gets new holes drilled in his face to stick more metal crap in. Cool°.
Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell
Rosabud. Leading real-sized° TV talk show host. Didn't she used to have a sitcom, where she was fat and loud and obnoxious to everybody? Well, now she does it on her talk show, except she's only fat and loud and obnoxious to people who are part of the vast right wing conspiracy°, because there are so many people out there who need the kind of political° education° you can only get from a turd in a pantsuit.
Cokie Roberts
Cokie Rubbish. Star of Cokie Rubbish Is Still Doing David Binkley's Show This Week with Sam Dangerson. Sam and Cokie. Cokie and Sam. Wow. The combinations are endless. Sam and Cokie and Steppinfetchoulous. Cokie and Sam and George Wilt. Cokie, Sam, Al, and Bill. Sam, Cokie, Orange, Barney,  and Steppinfetchoulos. Every damn week. Do you think they know nobody's watching anymore? Binkley was cool°. But then he got too old to pretend that it wasn't all a total joke. We miss him. Cokie? Sam? George? If you need us, we'll be in the laundry room. Washing socks.
Julia Roberts
Julia Rubbish. One of the new kind of female movie star, the funny looking kind. She rocketed to fame playing a prostitute in Pretty Ho, but then endured a slight drought when she proved less convincing in other roles. Word is, though, that Julia's planning a comeback in a movie that cleverly reunites her with Richard Gore, the john who made her a star the first time around.
Robert Rubin
Robert Rubric. Somebody in the Clitton administration. He hasn't had a scandal yet, or we'd know who he is. Try harder, Bob.
Tim Russert
Tim Russet. Leading TV journalist° and host of Meat for the Press. Is he the potato Dan Quail couldn't spell? No? Oh. That's all we had to say about him for now.

*The answer was no. Teddy wasn't officially relieved of this title till Armhold Schwartzenkennedy wormed his way into the family by marriage° a few years later.
Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfool. Retired star of the most successful TV sitcom in Amerian history. (See "Seinfool," Homez Station, Shuteye Town 1999).
Clare Shipman
Clare Shapely. One of the hot young babes° who report all the most important political° stories on the NBS network news. She could be the one with the bright red hair and no collagen, the dark-haired one with no mouth, or the one with black hair, huge eyes and average collagen, but it's hard to be sure. If she's the one with no mouth, she can start laying off the self-esteem° pills anytime now. She's got enough.
Al Sharpton
Al the Sharp One. Fat, oily, lying, anti-semitic Newyork politician°. But it's okay. He's Afrian-Amerian°. So we love° him.
Donna Shalala
Donna Shillelegh. Secretary of the Department of Health & Human Services. If she's had a scandal, it couldn't have been a very big one. Time's running out, Donna.
Mark Shields
Mark Shoals. Host of the cable TV talk show Capital Geeks. He used to be a weekly guest pundit° with David Gurgle on The National Public Radio TV News Hour with Jim Liher. Back then he worked pretty hard at sounding reasonable and intelligent. But now that he's got his own show, he can drop the act. These days, he does what he's really good at—screw his wonderful Irish mug (a Gaelic term for 'face-you'd-like-to-punch-to-a- bloody-pulp') into a sarcastic grin and just piss all over the opposition. What would David Gurgle think? He'd probably be sad. Everything makes David Gurgle sad. But Shoals wouldn't care. He thinks he's cute. Give us some of what you're drinking, Mark. Maybe we'll think so too.
O.J. Simpson
Ojay Simson. The former NFL° football star and double murderer who was the most surprised person in Ameria when the glove didn't fit. Getting acquitted has been great for his golf game but not so good for his bank balance (thanks to Johnny Cochring and Alan Dirtiwitz, among others), which also got clipped for a huge loss in the famous civil court Double Jeopardy° trial. If they'd left him just a little money, he'd have had the funds to look for the real killers, but as it is, he's barely got the small change he needs to pay greens fees.
Gary Sinise
Gary Sinus. Up-and-coming actor in Hollywood. He specializes in playing famous assholes from history°, like George Wallus and "Give'em Hell" Harry Trumen. It was really cool how he showed Harry's sleepless night after ordering the Big One dropped on Heroshima, especially after Harry always said he slept like a baby that night. It would have been even cooler if Gary had showed us the sleepless night Harry didn't have after ordering the second Big One dropped on Nagazuki. Maybe next time.
Sharon Stone
Sharon Skag. Super-hot action babe° in the movies and a killer actress too. (See "Basic Instink," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Paul Simon
Paul Slimon. Not the singer (he's done), but the retired senator. The one with the obscenely° long ear lobes and the bow tie. The one who—as a member of the Senate° Judiciary Committee—performed the non-partisan° service of leaking Anita Hole's unsubstantiated sexual harassment° charges about Clarence Remus to the mass media°. Where do we begin? Ethics°? Integrity°? Morality°? How about the bow tie then? It sucks.
Will Smith
Wilmot Smiff. Former rap° star and current hot action dude° in Hollywood. (See "Men Are Black," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Diane Sawyer
Diane Soyer. One of the first hot blonde TV news babes°. She's not as young as she used to be, but cosmetic surgery is a wonderful thing.
Kevin Spacey
Kevin Sparky. Up-and-coming actor in Hollywood movies. Stars are good looking and sexy, actors are usually neither. But they win more of the awards. Is this the one who cut off Gwyneth Paltry's head in Seven? Or was that Six? Or was that Cuir Dames? Or was that Gary Sinus?
Dennis Hastert
The Speaker Guy. The second most powerful man in the United States of Ameria, which means that we must be talking about, uh°, uh... Is it Humbert? Hissifit? Uh, sorry, can't think of it just now. If you find out, please let us know.

Arlene Spectator. Republian° Senator from Pennslavania and all-time champion bore of the Senate°. Spectator can't say good morning in less than half an hour, and when it's his turn to interrogate a witness in a senate subcommittee hearing, everyone immediately goes home and waits a week before returning. All that verbiage conceals a razor sharp mind the size and depth of a razor blade. In all the many years he has been orating nonstop in the halls of government, he has never figured out that the people who are for all the good° things he's so strongly in favor of are the Democratics°. When and if he finally does figure it out, his cry of outrage will probably outlast the heat of the sun.
Jerry Springer
Jerry Sphincter. Number One TV Talk Show Host in Ameria. (See "The Jerry Sphincter Show," Mediaz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Britney Spears
Britney Spirits. First, she was a bouncy young thing on MT Video, but since then she’s grown by leaps and bounds to become a bouncy young pair of boobs in a designer gown that’s almost there. If you could only hear her breasts on her CDs, she’d be guaranteed superstardom in the music biz.
Latrell Sprewell
Littell Spittell. The cool° NBA° star who tried to kill his coach or something? Something tells us we'll be hearing more of Littell in future.
Leslie Stahl
Leslie Stall. One of the more aged hot blonde TV journalist° babes°. She told the cutest story on Hardhead with Chris Mathuse. When she was younger—thirty or forty years ago—a male° journalist° (probably dead now) told her the fatal problem of women° was that they had no vision. Stunned, she couldn't think of any comeback. But that night in bed, she suddenly woke up out of a sound sleep and shouted, "Men° don't either!" End of problem. Beginning of an illustrious mass media° career.
Sylvester Stallone
Sly Stallione. He's maybe the ugliest movie star. Didn't he have a bunch of silicone pumped into his chest and possibly somewhere else too? (See The Back Room, Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Kenneth Starr
Kennel Star. The vicious, mild-mannered, fanatical, genial, sex-obsessed, milquetoast independent counsel° who single-mindedly pursued the Lewiski Scandal° and Bill Clitton to the brink of ruin. He joined the vast right wing conspiracy° as a favor to the Republians° in Congress°, who thought his reputation for even-handedness would protect him from charges of partisan politics° by the Democratics°. The Republians were wrong about this. It didn't take old pros like James Carvall long to figure out that underneath Star's bland and boring exterior lay a sexuality so deviant and twisted that it would have sickened Jack The Ripper. Therewith, the battle was joined. Now that it's over, Amerians around the country can't be blamed for feeling bitter that a blackguard like Star was ever put in a position of such high responsibility. What is Ameria coming to if perverts like this are permitted to serve in government?
Howard Stern
Howard Stench. The King of All Media in the United States of Ameria. (See his latest bestseller at Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999.)
George StephanopoulosGeorge Stephanopoulos
George Steppinfetchoulos. Former Presdential Adviser and Ace Political Pundit°. (See "Lying for the Presdent," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999).
Oliver Stone
Oliver Stink. Brilliant movie producer and contemporary historian°. (See "National Born Killerz" and "JFK Sr.," Toot Video, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Barbra Streisand
Barbra Streising. Hot Diva°, as well as the Number One Entertainment Genius in Ameria. (See "Hall of Geniuses," Feelmalez Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Gerry Spence
Jerry Stunce. The Number One Criminal Defense Attorney in Ameria (male division). (See "Defending Notel," Moon Books, Shuteye Town 1999).

Hillery Swink. Up-and-coming hot movie star babe° or dude°, depending on who you believe. For a babe, she's really buff. For a dude, he's really smart. Does that cover our ass for now?

T&C. A trio of hot young babes° on MT Video, presumably singers and presumably as well equipped with  breasts and attitude, etc, as their competitors in the female role model° business. At this writing we can’t quite place their faces or voices, but stay tuned.
Jeffrey Toobin
Jeffrey Toobless. A brilliant TV lawyer° and journalist°, Toobless has been destined for stardom ever since he donned his first rimless spectacles. He served as editor of the famed Harvurd Red Menace newspaper and then, with law degree in hand, set about righting the wrongs of the wurld in the office of independent counsel°Floyd Walsh, who spent seven years compiling a record of zero convictions in the Iram-Contra° scandal. Toobless then moved on to Manhattan Magazine, where he wrote 26,000 articles about how guilty Ojay Simson was, bringing his lifetime score up to zero convictions. What next? Maybe he'll take on the challenge of trying to win a guilty verdict for Puff Tubby—or at least that's what Puff Tubby's got to be hoping for.
Linda Tripp
Linda Trikk. The treacherous, traitorous, treasonous fink who ratted out Monica Lewiski on tape. She wasn't even good looking enough to get dismissed as a bimbo°. She is now. But back then she had to be taken out. And she was. The only person indicted for a felony in the Lewiski Scandal°. But, you see, that's what you get for behaving dishonorably. Her only hope at this point is for the jury to dismiss her as a bimbo, which they might do if she's smart enough to start lying her ass off about sex°. Are you listening, Linda?
Donald Trump
Donald Trumph. A brilliant financier and real estate developer, Trumph became a one-man encyclopedia of all the 1980s ailments Presdent Clitton has been working so hard to cure. Through a combination of nerve, greed, ego, and more nerve, he managed to leverage the paltry millions left him by his old man into a vast real estate empire consisting of the Trumph Towers, the Trumph Plaza, the Trumph Castle, the Trumph Palace, the Trumph Throne of God, and then the Trumph Bankruptcy Court, the Trumph Renegotiated Loan Building, the Trumph Re-Renogotiated Loan Casino, and finally, the Trumph If-You-Take-Me-Down-I'll-Take-You-Down-With- Me House of Cards. Through it all, he entertained the nation by marrying a bunch of wurld-class whores° and pretending he had hair. He may have slowed down some since the early 1990s, but he's still chasing money- hungry hookers and he's still pretending to have hair. What next? He sounds like a natural for making a new fortune on the UnderNet°, where the ability to lose money and go into debt hand-over-fist seems to be all that's required to score a titantic equity bonanza on the NASDAQ°.
Stone Phillips
Stone Tulips. The second prettiest network TV journalist° in Ameria.
Ted Turner
Ted Turnip. Founder of the Cable Turnip Network (CTN), owner of the Alanta Injuns, estranged husband° of Jane Fondle, and winner of the Ameria's Cup Competition*. You may believe he's getting away with it all scot-free, but think about it. He had to have sex° with that bitch°. For years. Feel better now?

*Ameria's Cup Competition. A time-honored contest among Amerian robber barons to determine which of them can achieve the most boorish, egotistical, obnoxious, and offensive behavior over a lengthy course of public appearances.
Liv Tyler
Liv Tyger. Daughter of Stevie Tyger and up-and-coming movie star babe°, maybe not quite as well equipped with breasts and attitude as her competitors in the female role model° business BUT she's got those lips she inherited from dear old dad. That may be enough.
Steve Tyler
Stevie Tyger. Rock superstar and lead singer of Aerosmiff. (See "Under the Rock," TV Town, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Mike Tyson
Mike Typhus. Rape. Prison. Ear-biting. Metal teeth. Cool°.