I have no empathy. On the other hand, I’m not a Scot. (But I do wear a genie bra, as you will see.)

Some of you suffered through The Killing. A Scandinavian thing. Now we get the derivatives. For once, the Americans and the Brits get to go head to head in approximately the same season. Aiming at the target of being, uh, Scandinavian. It’s going to take ten or twenty episodes to unmask the murderer. Sheesh.

The Bridge is upsetting. An autistic American detective and a corrupt Mexican detective get drawn deeper and deeper into a thoroughly sordid mess. Cool. How Swedish.

Broadchurch is upsetting. A devastated detective inspector gets drawn into a grisly murder he got exiled from Scotland Yard into the rural wilderness to avoid. Cool. How Norwegian.

It’s all going to take hours and hours (and hours) to work out. How Danish. Hopefully avec cheese.

Nothing is ever going to be resolved. How Finnish. Let’s tango instead. Oh. Sorry. That’s what these shows are really about, isn’t it? Tango…

Actually, we were just fooling. Life means absolutely nothing. How Icelandic. The pinnacle editors of the Providence Journal are aspiring to. We can only hope they will someday make it, along with all the rest of the Harold Parmington Foundation…

[Many views of life. There’s the enormous plurality of Scandinavians and also a few others, including the few who aren’t just pretending they believe in Christianity. I’m told there are at least two or three people in New England who aren’t Irish or Italian and yet believe in the Nicene Creed. But it’s the Nordic view we need to be, well, progressive. Something about self hatred. Like this and this. Just trying to be clear.]

Each has its selling points. The Bridge makes blonde autism sexy. Broadchurch makes angry Scottish fatalism sexy. Who am I voting for?

Me, I’m betting on the autistic star of The Bridge. She’s not as heartless, unfeeling, and automatic as she looks. The burned out Scot in Broadchurch is worse.

Well, not really. She’s just more amusing. Same scene, more or less, in both shows. Partner does autistic girl a solid and she ignores it. “You’re welcome,” he says. She responds, “I didn’t say thanks.” Almost the same scene with the resentful second in command in Broadchurch. She gets her DCI coffee and then later in the day fish’n’chips, and he disdains both. The second in command says, basically, hey, you’re a prick because you never thanked me for anything, like, say, coffee and fish’n’chips, and he tells her it’s a murder investigation and get back to work. Who’s more charming? (Answer: Annika Bengtzon, subtitles notwithstanding — or bedamned. I mean, look at her…)

Of course, what am I voting on? The autistic detective in The Bridge is probably more deep down human than the DCI in Broadchurch. On the other hand, a Scottish lowlife with a troubling past and a case of general misanthropy is probably more likely to solve his murder in less than two seasons.

The ticket window is open. Place your bets…