Special Report with Peter Doocy

You'll never believe this but he was first spotted at a Schwabb's drugstore in Villanova PA by veteran weatherman/political scientist/pundit/talent scout Steve Doocy.

You won’t believe it but he was first spotted at a Schwabb’s drugstore in Villanova PA by Fox News Channel’s veteran weatherman/political scientist/pundit/talent scout Steve Doocy. His meteoric rise since then has taken the world of fake journalism by storm.

Help me out here. I’m having this recurring nightmare. I close my eyes and the show begins:

“This is Special Report with Peter Doocy. I’m your host Peter Doocy. On tonight’s program we’ll get reports on the inner workings of the Egyptian civil war from our senior foreign correspondent Peter Doocy. Next we’ll turn to the intricate machinations of the federal budget and the accounting tricks being used to paper over the deficit. Forensic financial correspondent Peter Doocy will give us the inside dope. Then we’ll analyze the early presidential horse race in Iowa and New Hampshire with veteran political analyst Peter Doocy.

“We’ll discuss these and other issues with our expert panel later in the show, which tonight consists of Peter Doocy, editor emeritus of the Villanova student newspaper, as well as military tactics expert Peter Doocy and resident Fox News economist Peter Doocy.

“We’ll close with some funny and embarrassing man in the street interviews conducted by Fox feature columnist Peter Doocy.”

What is he, 23, 24? At Villanova he majored in what, spelling? Somebody help me. It’s like a song I can’t get out of my head. A song I not only don’t like but hated the first time I heard it.

Life is Mysterious

The corporate guys are sure about the demographics, but Raebert knows they're idiots. She's unique.

The corporate guys are sure about the demographics, but Raebert knows they’re idiots. She’s unique.

Why this post? Because life is mysterious. The old guys see a canvas crazed with crackled lines they want to interpret. Not what Raebert sees. He can ken the whole woman, no matter how many years ago she lived. Why he spends so much time dreaming.

He wants to be there when she showers.

He wants to be there when she showers.

Have we mentioned that deerhounds aren’t quite dogs? Why they’re so utterly awful to live with. They’re inside your soul, your past, and probably your rotten fate. And they’re not even smug about it. Just weary with your sameness. Except for the women. Who are always, as God intended, a joy to all the senses.

She's beautiful. Takes my breath away.

She’s beautiful. Takes my breath away. What could possibly be more gorgeous?

Why this post? Because we all need to remember what deerhounds know. No matter what’s happening now, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is a man’s roughly kind hand and the infinite loveliness of human females with no clothes on. And butterscotch krimpets.

They're like God's fingers, only with icing.

They’re like God’s fingers, only with icing.

I’d mention marinara sauce but it’s getting late.

Let’s do it. The Rand Creed.

The Brizene Creed. Don't parse. I'm just smarter than you. Get used to it.

The Brizene Creed. Don’t parse. I’m just smarter than you. Get used to it. Well, yeah. HER creed too. We’re so hot together you wouldn’t believe it. “I love idiots with hard-ons,” she says. Love her to death. Except that Ayn Rand IS stone cold dead.

I believe in myself absolutely, alone and without resort. I believe in no father, no creator, no savior, no designer of earth.

I am therefore entitled to tell others what to believe, since there is nothing to believe, and I might as well be the one to make it up for them.

This is obviously the right way to go, me being the one to tell everyone else how to live, since morals are implicit in the essential logic of the universe. Have you read my explanation of the exact month and week it’s okay to commit abortions up to? It’s brilliant. I’m Brizoni and I have looked into the void of existence and I know there’s no God.

Let me start again. I am Brizoni. There is no God. I am happy. I am happy. I am happy, god damn you.

I am Brizoni. I’d be happier if all of you would give up your superstitious, bullshit beliefs. Especially the ones who know ten times about history what I do. Because only I know how derelict, empty, and awful your beliefs are in the context of history I’ve never had the time or inclination to learn.

I am Brizoni. I know fucking everything. I read a book once. She was hot. I imagine myself fucking Dagny on a rail car right before we fly away from the dying lights of New York and watch the civilization you fools cling to fade, fade away into the dark.

I am Brizoni. I am Atlas. I am shrugging. You’re all idiots.

I am Brizoni. I am the fountainhead of a new birth of civilization. I am the entire replacement for what you all yearn for in a God. Because I can explain everything, and I once wrote an essay about it that convinced me. QED. Hell, if you can convince me, you’re hot shit.

I am Brizoni. Why wouldn’t that ever be enough for anybody?

Amen.

David Frost

He wasn't what you'd call an "eminence grise"  of journalism.

He wasn’t what you’d call an “eminence grise” of journalism.

The post I wanted to do when I started this morning. Felt I had to dispose of Syria first, which I’ve done more briefly and effectively than the million words I’ve seen written so far. And then there was the (dud) Brizoni underwear bomb, which also had to be dealt with.

Sigh.

Back to David Frost. He’s dead. An opportunity for consideration of the frailties of both cultural and personal memory. Isn’t that more interesting than pounding punditry about the farce American foreign policy has become?

His American obits focused exclusively on his interviews of Richard Nixon, as if that’s what should be engraved on his tombstone. What I remembered too. There was a movie with Anthony Hopkins playing Nixon and someone else playing Frost, and all I knew from the fact of having lived through it was that the movie was a hagiographic fake — of Frost, not Nixon, obviously. And I resented it. A resentment conferred unfairly on Frost in retrospect, in fact vicariously.

Which means that for all my hyper consciousness about the duplicity of the MSM, I am still prey to what the MSM do and by no means immune to their packaging of reality.

[I haven’t looked up his bio because I’m trying to remember what I can remember, not fit memories to facts I never had. Although I’ll make a partial exception later.]

Part of my resentment was that I remembered Frost as a particularly stereotypical Brit presenter. Lower class London accent spiffed up to include concluding T’s and the otherwise missing ends of words generally. Always thought Steve Coogan’s brilliantly cruel spoof of the type in his “Alan Partridge” incarnation was largely if not wholly inspired by David Frost:

Sorry. For a long time Frost had a talk show aired in the United States. He was the Jon Gruden of talk show hosts. Every guest was the greatest, most talented, most wonderful light ever to shine on the celebrity stage. Then, suddenly, when he too had long disappeared from public view (like Alan Partridge), there he was talking oh so earnestly to Richard Nixon with the same clipboard he’d always had to remind him where he was and who he was talking to (usually Marlo Thomas. Fan-TAS-tic!). When did he become Cronkite, Severaid, Brinkley, Murrow, or Lowell Thomas? When it served the purpose of the MSM, that’s when.

Case closed. I revisited my Jon Gruden circus act.

My wife just wanted, quite understandably, to watch a football game without having the experience ruined by her husband. I plead guilty with extenuating circumstances. My impersonation of Jon Gruden is spot on, and most of you would enjoy a few minutes of it, as did my wife the first time she heard it. I draw on my knowledge of the dactylic nature of glossolalia (“speaking in tongues”) to imbue my performance with satiric cruelty, which amuses the performer no end and ultimately bores the listener into a coma because once started — just like glossolalia — it just keeps going, impossible to stop.

One can become formulaic in one's view.

One can become formulaic in one’s views.

What I remember. The incantational rhetoric of David Frost. Never gave him a second thought. Just another partridge on the wing, flapping rhythmically.

Frost with Nixon was a reason to dismiss a whole life. Which I did when I heard he was dead on the move at the age of 74.

And I was wrong. Not just for what I didn’t know. But for what I’d forgotten. That’s the most discomfiting thing. I knew there was more to David Frost. It was the first thing I’d ever known about him. And I forgot it.

When I was a kid, my dad couldn’t watch the news on TV. Three networks, giant egos pontificating and slanting the news leftward on each. So serious, so sure, so pompously, stultifyingly final. He had only two outlets. a fifteen minute broadcast once a week by Fulton J. Lewis. Which I’ve remembered before. And, when it came along on Channel 12, a bizarre news satire from Britain called “That Was the Week That Was.”

This was actually the first time that the edifice of television news had ever been mocked. Fifty years before there was Jon Stewart, there was TWTWTW, and my dad was a fan. They made fun of everyone, left and right, but my dad loved it anyway because they were puncturing the balloon of swollen journalistic egos. It was finally okay to laugh.

I remembered that because my personal memory is so searching and comprehensive that I couldn’t not remember it. Horseshit. I forgot it until I chanced to see a Monty Python documentary this morning, part one of six, called “The Not Very Interesting Beginnings.” Of the Monty Python troupe in case you were still wondering. I’m not even going to claim serendicity. I think the IFC network knew they were adding a timely bit of biography to a skewed and truncated obit of David Frost.


They go on. And on. They converge on a tosser named David Frost, the negligible commoner who finally put them all together. Go figure.

If so, I thank them. I got it. Without the money-grubbing, nonjournalist, low class opportunist named David Frost, there would never have been a Monty Python Flying Circus. Its upper-upper class cast of three from Cambridge, two from Oxford, and one from America’s boutique Occidental College would never have had the opportunity to write together, gell into a primal cultural force, and knock over every lamp in western civilization’s hotel room.

The sad thing, the truly saddest thing, is that they have no comedic heirs. Comedians today are following their fancied lead, but they are knocking down what has already been knocked down. Now they are trampling on ruins.

We need a new Monty Python. Unafraid to take on political correctness, the nanny state, and glowering totaliarianism. Which means, maybe, we also need a new David Frost to find and unleash that kind of talent on the status quo. Is that why the MSM fail to remember the truly glorious contribution he made? Or are they just too damn dumb to know what happened way back when? I know where my bet is placed. You?

So, God bless David Frost. I will say what I should have said a day ago: Good man. I will miss you.

Just a friendly warning…

Poor sonofabitch. His Rand called him home way too young.

Poor sonofabitch. His Rand called him home way too young.

Brizoni has inserted a comment on an earlier post. He picks up right where he left off.

Some may be tempted to engage him, and you are welcome to do so. I do not begrudge the comment space. Just be advised that even after all these months of stony silence, he is just as rigid, scornful, patronizing, and hypocritical as he was when last when we heard from him.

Hypocritical? Indeed. He has always had the keys to Instapunk. If he were working to save the world as he indicts us for failing to do… If he had a case to make beyond fire and brimstone sermons against those who have not converted to his monolithically Old Testament commandments on the nature of reality… If he had any power whatsoever left to communicate rather than condemn… We would have seen him mount the empty pulpit that had a built-in audience of those whom he needs most, the politically like minded who still don’t get why we must be God-haters to defeat the God-haters who are carrying our country, or culture, and our civilization into ruin.

But he’s been a silent boy.

All I’m saying is, choose your battles wisely. Frequently, the prodigal who returns still needs a lesson. But are you and I obligated to be the ones to provide it?

S-Y-R-I-A

Lining up a shot across the bow. F-O-R-E, Fore!

Lining up a shot across the bow. F-O-R-E Fore! You dumb? “Fore” means get out the way of my mighty putter.

With apologies to the band Them and their great one-hit wonder.

Like to tell ya about my line
You know it’s red all right
It’s dotted all along
And maybe not too bright

There’s a country that did wrong
By crossing my line
She used those chem weapons
She screwed my tee time

And her name is S-Y-R-I–
S-Y-R-I-A, Syria
S-Y-R-I-A, Syria
I’m gonna bomb her today (SYRIA)
I’m gonna bomb her tonight (SYRIA)
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

She’s jinxing my sand wedge
She’s losing my balls
Hell, she pissing me off, Joe,
And tanking my polls.

Comes a-stomping on the greens
As I’m sighting a birdie
When my line is laid dead
She walks right through the dots
Yeah, she makes me see red

S-Y-R-I-A, Syria
S-Y-R-I-A, Syria
I’m gonna bomb her today (SYRIA)
I’m gonna bomb her tonight (SYRIA)
Yeah-yeah-yeah-OH NO
Let the Congress decide. Syria.
(Dropped my club in a bunker) Syria.

Sorry about the “one-hit wonder” thing. I know it was Van Morrison’s song and band. I was thinking about someone else. Someone in particular.