The Patrimony I Never Had

 

We were going to be rich. My great grandfather made very expensive shoes. He  left his considerable fortune to his grandchildren but left one of his own sons in charge. When the place went bankrupt in 1965, that son had tapped every account and pissed it all away. It had been an estimable enterprise, nationwide in its reach, still memorialized in Wikipedia:

Laird Schober Shoes began in 1870 in Philadelphia, United States as a small manufacturer of ladies’, misses’, and children’ shoes by three young men in their mid-twenties.[1] The company grew with sustained and measured increase until closing its doors in 1965.

Samuel S. Laird, the senior partner, his brother-in-law George P. Schober, and their friend George A. Mitchell, were joined by Samuel’s younger brother, John, in 1875.[2] This is also the year that William S. Duling joined the company as a young designer.[3] Duling worked tirelessly from the beginning and the company saw large increases as a result. The company expanded into all areas of the country and he helped to maintain the highest quality of output. The three men were equipped with all the necessary details of the business and its demands to guide its growth. Constantly adding new machines, including the McKay that could sew 100 pairs of soles onto women’s shoes in one hour in 1858, and the Reese Buttonholer [4] that made 100,000 button holes a week in 1891. Continuously taking on more responsibility and earning greater trust from the senior partners, Duling was made a partner himself in 1894. The company name was changed to Laird Schober & Co.[5]

The craftsmanship, design and comfort of the latest technology led to increased recognition and prominence of Laird Schober shoes. The company won many awards[6] at international expositions and when a group of French shoemakers, in 1921, were shown the handmade, microscopic stitches on the welts, they exclaimed “magnifique!”[7]. This was considered high praise because the French were deemed the best in the trade.

Laird Schober & Co. won the Franklin Institute Engineering Award in 1900[8], for Excellence in Manufacturing of shoes, collaborated with fashion designer Elsa Schiaparelli in 1938, and were sold in fine department stores like of Wannamakers, and Strawbridges and Clothiers of Philadelphia.

 

On Miracles

January 16, 2009

A miracle? Maybe.

SMIRKS AHOY. It always makes me nervous when people start tossing around the term “miracle.” Not because I don’t believe they ever happen, but because I can feel the insipid grin of the disbelievers, waiting for any opportunity to restate for the umpty-umpth time the threadbare objection, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Every purported miracle is, to them, a reminder of all the miracles that somehow didn’t occur somewhere else at some other time.

I hate that grin and all the arrogant banality which congratulates itself on knowing the physics of a universe honest physicists know they don’t, and maybe can’t, fully comprehend. So I’m going to risk the scorn and ridicule of the sophists by proposing an analogy that may help others consider a new way of thinking about the “bad things happen to good people” objection.

In the grand scheme of things, miracles are pretty rare. That is, the kinds of events which even people who believe in them might call miracles are rare. When you think about it, rarity is built into the definition. If every bad thing that threatened to occur were somehow prevented or reversed after the fact (like sudden total remissions from terminal cancer), the outcomes wouldn’t be considered miracles. They’d just be the way things work. Miracles are an exception. OR they are subject to particular conditions which are hard to bring about, especially since we don’t have much of an idea about what those conditions might be. For example, winning the Powerball lottery is an incredible long shot that nevertheless does occur; however, it does have an unavoidable pre-condition. You must first purchase a Powerball ticket.

On to my analogy. From time immemorial divinity has been closely associated with lightning. Zeus, Jove, Jupiter, and even the Bible’s Yahweh have been associated with lightning bolts, and there’s no mystery about why. It’s an ipso facto perfect symbol of a power from above visibly impacting the earth (and its inhabitants) below. Lightning strikes are pretty common events. Fatal lightning strikes on individual people are less so. That power from above is more or less always there. Its direct connection with human beings is limited by certain pre-conditions. People who know better than to wander around out in the open during a thunderstorm are not likely to be struck. And, generally speaking, lightning is more likely to strike big tall things like trees and church steeples rather than little things like people. But why does lightning strike tall things? Repeatedly. Which it does. Does it know that the tall things are there? And if it doesn’t, why wouldn’t it just strike randomly all over the place until it happened to connect with something it can light up? Why does it strike the tree more often than the outstandingly conductive bronze lawn ornament 24 inches off the ground?

Why? Because a lightning strike is a two-way process. The lightning bolt reaches down from the sky, and prospective targets on the ground reach up. They send out what are called streamers, which meet up with the lightning bolt and establish a connection. Here are two photos of streamers.

Connection made.

Connection sought.

The streamer is, in our analogy, a pre-condition. It’s the act of buying the Powerball ticket. And it helps to be a tall tree or a church steeple or a steel water tower at the center of town when a thunderstorm is in the air.

All of which is a fancy way of saying that miracles may, in fact, be precipitated by their recipients. Not through goodness or virtue alone but because they are also associated with preparedness, mass of some sort, and the kind of sharp focus we see in the streamer photographs.

That’s what’s so cool about the so-called Miracle of the Hudson. We can actually see a confluence of circumstances that apparently, luckily, resulted in — but just possibly catalyzed — an incredibly unlikely outcome. A variety of fortunate circumstances cannot explain away the improbability of the outcome, however much we want to play games with odds and statistics. The fact is, commercial airliners without engines “fly” with as much lift as a falling boulder, and they, well, effectively never land with wings straight and level on the water.

But in this case there were streamers. A pilot who was not only skilled but learned in the split-second differentials of commercial air disasters, who had made a long academic and practical study of air safety under emergency conditions, and who (to be frivolous for a moment) bears a striking resemblance to Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.

Captain Sully of Flight 1549 and Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. (Commander
Fairbanks’s uniform is real btw. He won the Silver Star in WWII.)

He was sending up a streamer. As were the ferry crews and FDNY personnel who responded so swiftly, as well as the passengers who quelled their impulse to panic and responded to the ancient call, “women and children first.” Preparation, determination, and cool heads with a fervent desire to do the right thing are all streamers, and there was mass behind the entire effort. The lightning bolt that could have remained in the clouds reached down to make a connection, and the incredibly (impossibly?) unlikely outcome occurred.

Just an analogy. Not even a theory. But if we follow the analogy, we can also glimpse the possibility that just as lightning bolts are chaotic things, so might be miracles. In my own mind, the collapse of the Twin Towers was a miracle for its relatively low loss of life. It could have been upwards of 20,000, as many surmised it was in the darkest hours of 9/11. But how many brilliantly bright streamers went up that day, from firefighters and policemen and gravely unselfish civilians, to connect with the lightning that brought so many thousands of people to safety? I know the grinners would cite that day as a miracle that didn’t happen. But you have to remember that they live in an irretrievably drab world of actuarial tables and lottery tickets that win nothing but heartache and ruin.

But when their turn in the storm comes, they too will pray for a miracle. And they might even receive it — if they’re prepared, focused, and united in unselfish resolve.

– posted at 5:27 pm by CountryPunk Permalink

Honest Obe

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Can’t wait to see the new “chin whiskers.”

CORONATION UPDATE. Ain’t life grand? Who would ever have thought that Abraham Lincoln would become a decorator’s “inspiration piece” in the 21st century? But according to inside sources, that’s exactly what’s happened. Not only will the Anointed One be using the Lincoln Bible for his swearing-in ceremony, he will also be looking to the Great Emancipator for menu and other style tips during the inaugural festivities:

Part of the meal will even be served on replicas of the china picked out by First Lady Mary Todd Lincoln at the beginning of her husband’s first term in office in 1861.

The appetizer will feature a seafood stew in puff pastry – including scallops, shrimp and lobster – in honor of Lincoln’s love of seafood.

The main course of a “Brace of American Birds (pheasant and duck)” with sour-cherry chutney will be served with molasses sweet potatoes – a nod to the root vegetables and wild game that Honest Abe ate as a child in Indiana…

“It’s always good to model yourself after a great president,” said Eric Foner, a professor of American history at Columbia University. “The proof will be in the pudding.”

Thanks to our own highly placed sources, we can give you proles even more information than that. Here’s a look at the official keepsake menu for that luncheon:

And, yes, the fare really will be authentic. An elite detachment of Secret Service agents has been trained to kill all the necessary game with the aforesaid Kentucky long rifle. Kewl.

Noted artists have been engaged to offer every guest a painting
of his game birds as they looked shortly after their demise, just as
they might have looked during the first Lincoln administration do.

As we understand it, guests will also be awarded valuable door prizes for digging out the bullets that killed their lunches. (I’m sure DC dentists are thrilled about this part of the gala.) These will be collected by the period-era waiters who will be serving those in attendance:

The stovepipe hats are a nice touch of livery, don’t you agree?
It’s how Mary Lincoln did it. So it must be okay, right? Right?

Predictably, though, protesters have already promised to do everything possible to disrupt the most sickeningly unacceptable aspects of this inaugural feast.

But what would a public event be without another nude PETA protest? As
soon as you hear tell of murdered pheasants and ducks, the first response
of any real animal lover is to rip their bra off and hit the high-traffic areas.

Well, that’s life in America. Can’t please everybody, can you? What everybody is guaranteed to love is the immediate enshrinement of our new president in two important venues. First, the head of Lincoln has already been sawed off the retro sculpture at the old Lincoln Memorial in favor of that of the new Great Emancipator.

Finally. Abe can get some well deserved rest.

AND, the first great public works project that will put millions of stupid, unskilled Americans back to work in the new era has already been decided — in fact, will be announced via presidential decree during the post-luncheon audience our new leader will grant to the press — the reconfiguration of America’s equivalent of the great pyramids of Egypt.

Of course we predicted it long ago. We know everything.

This is going to be the Greatest. Inauguration. Ever. You heard it here first.

– posted at 5:40 pm by LocoPunk Permalink

The Obamascension


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Too grandiose? Just want to make sure you get your money’s worth.

THE LINCOLN LOG. Just a quick update on inauguration details, in case you’re one of the estimated 50 million people who will be squeezing into Washington, DC, for the festivities. You’ll need to park your car in Poughkeepsie, Scranton, or Raleigh and walk the rest of the way to the ceremony, so wear comfortable shoes like these.

The Air Jordan XXO, official shoe of the 2009 inauguration.
Just $378 a pair (unless you buy from a scalper at the event).

But the good news is, thanks to a last-minute congressional bailout that has (approximately) doubled the inauguration budget from $150 million to $4.5 trillion, the bells and whistles are going to be even splashier than promised. The oath of office will be administered by the Lord and Creator of the Universe himself since Abraham Lincoln was, for some reason, still unavailable.

But they’ll still be using the Lincoln Bible.

For this reason, the Secret Service will be standing down today, and security will be handled by some of God’s peeps instead.

The bodyguard during the Obamaddress will be
the archangels Gabriel, Michael, and Taekwon.

In another last minute change, Beyonce will NOT be singing the Etta James classic “At Last.” Etta will. (Thank God for that. He sort of insisted.)

Out.

In

But Beyonce will still be on hand, wearing a sexy dress with her Air Jordan XXOs. Something she’s actually good at.

The only bummer — and we hate to mention it, but you need to know — is that due to federal regulations and space limitations, the authentic Lincoln-Pottie everybody will be using is located behind the FBI building, next to the Nixon Memorial Tape Dumpster. Be prepared to wait in line for a few weeks if you need to go.

Maybe you could all sing Kumbaya or something while you wait.

Have a nice time. I’m sure it will be worth the few inconveniences you’ll have to put up with.

posted at 7:43 am by CountryPunk Permalink