The Washington Rednecks

Rednecks with a capital “R.” It’s the perfect solution. A way out of the PC nonsense and a lesson to boot.

Not without precedent. Here’s an actual Washington helmet from the past:

Yup. It was and could be again.

Yup. It was and could be again.

Oh. The feathers. They have to be replaced. Easy. Redneck war dress includes something called headers.

How a Roadrunner scalps a Goat.

How a Roadrunner scalps a Goat.

Oops. Did I say something incorrect? Ah, forget it. That’s something we can move beyond with the new name. Redneck is a pejorative term far more commonly used these days than Redskin. The latter is, if offensive to some, quaint, the memory of a hard-on nobody has anymore. The former is a contemporary raging hard-on of a whole generation of spoiled twits who live in high rises and gated communities and sneer at the ones who don’t. Meaning the ones who do all the real work, like, say, building their high rises and gated communities, and the roads they drive their Bimmers on, and the electrical and electronic grids they simply couldn’t live without. And, aw, they didn’t go to college, which means they don’t know all the crap that just ain’t so which “informs” the cognoscenti who dismiss them as a worthless, faceless herd of fools.

You see, Redneck is not a racial term, except perhaps to the Yuppies who stereotype them all as white trash. In reality, there are rednecks of every ethnic and geographic origin. They do a lot of stuff outdoors. They shoot guns, they hunt, they bowl, they have pig roasts on the Fourth of July, they go to church or they make excuses for not going to church, they usually didn’t arrive here on the Mayflower but on the run or in chains, their wives and girlfriends show off their figures and dance to sexy songs played by jukeboxes, they live everywhere in the country, including New York City, where they insist on liking Elvis and Aretha more than Bach or The Beatles, and all the suited ones just know they are the stupid cattle it is their mission to rule and confine to their seedy trailer parks.

Fair enough. Except that Rednecks don’t care what you think of them. Unlike every other group whose sensitivities liberals spend so much time protecting, Rednecks are an active target no one even tries to protect. Why is that? Partly because liberal tolerance doesn’t extend to those they can’t exploit as useful victims. And partly because Rednecks actually revel in liberal disdain.

That’s gotta hurt. Everybody else has a rights group, a defense group, an attack group, a litigious little army of resentful paranoids. Rednecks have a BRAND.

And they love it. Think that’s an overstatement? They’re not as dumb as you suppose. They know they’re the only acceptable target of vicious bias based on stereotypes left in our politically correct banana republic. And more than that, they know your contempt for them is tantamount to the minstrelsy tropes you make up inferentially in the ordinary speech of your political opponents. They’re happy to play this role. They. Expose. Your. Absolute intolerance.

We'll still be here when you're escaping to Switzerland.

We’ll still be here when you’re escaping to Switzerland.

Some Brit said no man is a hero to his valet. Think about that. You write regulations for an agency in DC. Pretty important, huh? Some Redneck unstops your toilet when your shit clogs the pipes. Maybe way more important, huh?

Could be the real reason liberals hate Rednecks so virulently and openly is that they refuse to be victims and aren’t buying your phony, superior act.

And they know that some part of you secretly envies them.

They don't make these at Bryn Mawr.

They don’t make these at Bryn Mawr.

Talk about reparations… DC power players have plenty to make up for with the hardworking people they’ve scorned as trash while they do almost nothing worthwhile. Here’s a solid first step.

And because I can’t not do this, Redneck Opera. Or do you prefer Redquiem? Or maybe Redneck Aria… Unless you want downright Redneck Tragedy our president would only laugh at, which this is, truthfully, awfully, and left as a lifelong burden to the lady who wanted something in red. She got it. No. Not kidding. You could look it up. Rednecks routinely experience emotions ten times the intensity of the drab who sneaks smokes out of sight of his wife in the White House.

Won’t do what I could — Cher, Madonna, Lady Gaga, and Mylie. The braindead empties of a lost generation.

Me? I’ll stick with the Rednecks.

Obama-La-La-Land

Just follow the candy.

Shut up and follow the candy.

New hypothesis. He’s just a precocious but emotionally arrested kid with borderline sociopathic tendencies.

His Rose Garden performance today was an astonishing display of denial and willful self-delusion.

He’s living in a universe that simply doesn’t exist. In point of fact the specific reasons for his break with objective reality don’t matter. He actually preened on stage, backed by people who didn’t really enroll in ObamaCare, and delivered an infomercial for a program that does none of the things he insisted it does.

The people whose job it it is to scurry around with pre-printed cabinet petitions asking the president to remove himself from power for reasons of personal incapacity should be scurrying double time right now.

He’s in a state mental health professionals normally refer to as a psychotic break. Whatever reality he thinks he’s in is not the reality the rest of us are living in.

My advice? Give him a Lego set and tell him it’s the best way to “transform” America in the remainder of his term in the asylum, er, office.

NOTE TO FOX NEWS: if you want to preserve your reputation as being distinct from the mainstream media, please be advised that the term “glitches” was retired by all but leftists a week or so ago. A system that doesn’t work at all isn’t suffering from glitches. It’s a software disaster. So it might behoove you to remove the term from your chyrons and the mouths of your anchors and opinionators. Also, as with the Global Warming nonsense of a few years ago, don’t go to political pundits for comment on science and technical matters on which they are entirely ignorant. Nina Easton knows nothing about the dire intricacies of software development and failure. Get someone who knows what the hell he is talking about or do another segment on the latest Victoria’s Secret show.

I guarantee you she knows as much as the real calamity lurking inside ObamaCare as Nina Easton of Fortune magazine.

I guarantee you she knows as much about the real calamity lurking inside ObamaCare as Nina Easton of Fortune magazine.

Although her costume probably cost less than Nina’s usual get-up.

My hobbies are quantum econometrics and Univac machine code.

My hobbies are quantum econometrics and Univac machine code. And classic Chanel.

Raebert Flashing

Old Blue Eye.

Old Blue Eye.

We’ve all seen this before. Raebert being Raebert. I took another photo, because I didn’t like the focus. No change in lighting or any other setting. just an iPhone and a dog.

Flash.

Flash.

Coincidence or something. Another pic to test.

I'm not doing anything.

I’m not doing anything.

But he was doing something. This:

Flash.

Flash.

And a third pic at the same setting in the same pose just to make sure:

I'm always doing SOMETHING.

I’m always doing SOMETHING.

Not arguing anything one way or another.

What?

What?

Just a day in the life.

P.S. Next day in the life:

Different angle, same effect.

Different angle, same effect.

Is his mind growing in dreams?

Of course not. I’m 100 percent, absolutely, almost sure.

Does anyone care about THIS?

Chopping birds to pieces in the name of Gaia.

Chopping birds to pieces in the name of Gaia.

How Do Wind Turbines Kill Birds?

Wind energy is frequently touted as a clean, green source of energy that can reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.

But like all sources of energy, wind power comes at a cost — one that’s too often borne by eagles, hawks, falcons, owls and other birds.

Wind turbines kill more than 573,000 birds each year in the United States, according to The Associated Press, including federally protected species like bald eagles and golden eagles.

Environmentalists don’t care about anything but killing off people. Maybe Matt Damon should make a movie about that. He can ride to the rescue in his Toyota Prius. Or blow up in it. I don’t care which.

Sorry about that. Had an incident today with a right lane bandit in a Prius. They’re still in a hurry, mind. They just assume they have the right of way. Because they’re, you know, liberal.

As for me, right lane bandits are the same old cowardly scum they’ve always been. Too yellow to speed in the open, too stupid to understand how they put other people in danger by racing in the slow lane. In short, Democrats.

Windmills are a blight. They’re ugly and inefficient. They kill thousands, hundreds of thousands, of the most beautiful creatures on earth. Green? I don’t think so. Black is the color of Greenpeace and PETA. Death is their signpost.

This pic is really kind of perfect. The totalitarian cage they want all of us to live in.

Yeah. Let's all be cows owned by the state.

Yeah. Let’s all be cows owned by the state.

Girls

We have to be older.

We have to be older. And wiser. Even removed, to the extent necessary.

It’s sad. A whole new photoshoot for Mylie Cyrus. A girl spiraling down the drain. They do that. We should never help. The mandate is not to be tempted by children. Which they mostly are until they’re 25 or so.

It’s easy to distract men. We’re so distractable. But we have to remember that we have a moral responsibility. Regardless of where our minds and fantasies go unbidden, we have an obligation to be good.

Why I commend this essay to all men. I won’t mention the Brizoni word, but it applies. Read.

And think.

Women are so much more enticing than girls.

Women are so much more enticing than girls.

Turn your back on talking heads

Take a cue from the master.

Take a cue from the master.

The Narrative now is two pronged. “Evil Republicans” on the left. “Stupid Republicans” on the right.

The actual story that’s being covered only in passing is the monumental screw-up that is ObamaCare. Remember that, no matter how fervid the rhetoric becomes.

And speaking of monumental, here’s the master demonstrating which part of your person should be aimed toward the television news.

Monumental is one word. Gigantic, glorious, and heroic are three more. You choose your own favorite.

Monumental is one word. Gigantic, glorious, and heroic are three more. You choose your own favorite.

Interlude

Yeah. Everything’s shut down. Except everything but the national parks. Maybe, maybe we can scrape through this. Why I’ve prepared a musical interlude to facilitate the healing process.

We need soothing. We need comfort. Abatement of passion. I can provide that.

And we need to get our rhythm back. It’s not as hard as it seems.

All right. Maybe this isn’t going as well as I’d hoped. Maybe some actual emotion is still called for.

Okay, screw it. It’s still and always has been balls to the wall time. The Interlude ends with this.

Everybody ready to go back to work? Thought so.

Live Blogging the Shutdown Nightmare

He's getting no federal funding. Shut down.

He’s getting no federal funding. Shut down.

10:00 AM. I have to tell you. The shutdown is hitting us hard here. The Keurig is only making half a cup of coffee. The pictures on my iPhone are only three quarter size. Google is finding 30 percent fewer links. Only two of the three ESPN channels are broadcasting. We’re getting OWN fine but the Lifetime Movie Network is reduced to showing Audie Murphy westerns. The mail lady delivered only the junk mail, not the fan mail I generally get. The broccoli potato soup Raebert gets mixed in with his kibble ran out yesterday, and when I look in the fridge for the bowl it hasn’t been refilled. We’re at our wit’s end here.

I’ll try to post live updates through the day, but I warn you some of the keys on my plug-in keyboard are not funded and not working…

Wish us luck. And feel free to share your own shutdown travails.

10:20 AM. It’s getting worse, even snowballing. Our unfunded housecats are shut down.

Well, two out of three anyway. Elliott is an Obama bundled, so he's fine.

Well, two of the four anyway. Elliott is an Obama bundler, so he’s fine. And Cassie’s a leader in the Occupy the Garage movement, so she hasn’t even noticed. Actually, she might even be in jail by now.

And apparently my Ohio State cap is not funded, because look at all the dust. Shocking.

Tell me again, why do we pay all those taxes?

Tell me again, why do we pay all those taxes?

Most alarmingly, the child gate we use to keep Raebert in, or something else out (I’m not 100 percent sure), is usually six inches higher so the older cats can go underneath. But you can see that it has now been lowered by some 20 percent, which compounds the cat shutdown effect, I’m almost 70 percent sure. See?

Even Raebert's elephant is trapped.

Even Raebert’s elephant is trapped.

Hand wringing. What are we to do?

11:20 AM. Worse and worse. It’s looking pretty likely that the blonde women of Fox News are showing 18 percent less leg today. Who knew thighs were federally subsidized? Damn. Airwolf is on, but it’s Season 2, Episode 1, and the plot is about terrorizing a pickup truck in the parking lot of a Texas bar. Really?! The unearthly howl is gone too. Airwolf is just beeping, like a low fuel warning. Those federal credit cards not working at the gas pumps? Double damn.

12:00 PM. Even my wife’s computer is sleeping so hard it’s actually snoring.



It’s usually more discreet, pretending YOU screwed up somehow.

Another thing. I have a full serving of Chicken Parm from Pat’s Pizza in the fridge downstairs. (They make really good Chicken Parm btw.) By this time normally it would be hot and plated and ready for my delectation. Where is it? Where is it!!! I say give Harry Reid what he’s asking for. I can’t abide any more of this personal torture.

Besides, we’ve had a casualty. Absolutely shutdown related. In our own household. Raebert’s elephant, who would usually go downstairs UNDER the child gate, tried to go over it instead.

I thought he was doing okay. Huffing a bit, but okay.

I thought he was doing okay. Huffing a bit, but okay.

Then he fell.

Dead. Very sad.

Dead. Very sad.

I blame them all. Obama, Harry Reid, and the remorseless Republicans too. Then there’s this:

Turns out his pillow wasn't funded. Talk about suffering.

Turns out his pillow wasn’t funded. Talk about suffering. Lost his elephant and now this.

Who knows what horrors the rest of this benighted day will bring?

1:30 PM. So I’m not pretending to be Mister Righteous here. When the newsreaders of Fox stopped showing their legs and boobs and stuff owing to the Shutdown, I went looking elsewhere. Where do left wing ladies strut their stuff? At the Emmys!

But the Shutdown has already closed off that avenue as well. Look at this censored picture of the probably (but who knows?) lovely boobs of Zosia Mamet from the progressive HBO series “Girls.”

Look, government. We can handle pictures of young naked boobs, or gauze covered boobs, or any kind of boobs that aren't wiped completely off the map. Get off our lawn, whyn'tcha?

Look, government. We can handle pictures of young naked boobs, or gauze covered boobs, or any kind of boobs that aren’t wiped completely off the map. Get off our lawn, whyn’tcha?

Don’t mean to be cranky. But now it appears that the Keurig is wrapped in a half dozen yards of police tape. Well, it doesn’t say police. It says FBI.

Speaking of the FBI, here’s something odd. Heard a few motorcycle crashes today. No ambulances though. Shutdown, right? When I went out they were still writhing around in the fields. Too far away to hear what they were yelling. But I did notice this on the road.

They've got money for this but not EMTs? I'm losing patience, I tell you.

They’ve got money for this but not EMTs? I’ve lost patience, I tell you. Somebody should pick that up.

I thought government was supposed to take care of us.

2:40 PM. So now we’re approaching three o’clock in the afternoon. When will this ordeal ever end? One of my computer speakers fell over. There’s no one to pick it up. Raebert’s elephant is now a zombie, stalking cats…

Who will save Mickey?

Who will save Mickey?

…and even Raebert himself…

Who would be terrified if he ever noticed.

Who would be terrified if he ever noticed.

Beside the point. Things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be. If they’re going to shut down the things government controls or has a fat finger in, why do we still have all these lewd unfunny sitcoms? Why does the network news still feature blow dried nancy boys of both sexes? Why, if the government really cares about us, does life go on always, exactly, as if there’s no one looking after us but us?

Unless things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be. Tough. Annoying. Difficult. Constant challenge.

Government shutdown? Only a handful of people will ever notice. Mainly people doing business with the government. But they’re used to that by now too. A few days or weeks of hardship. Overcome in the past and in the future too.

As for the rest of us, it’s a giant steaming stinky pile of nothing. Let the pollsters do their worst. Nobody will remember. And Raebert is still The Man.

My elephant is healed. Except for the ears I chewed off. All is well.

My elephant is healed. Except for the ears I chewed off. All is well.

And (as Samuel Pepys used to say) so to bed.

Lake’s Fault

Yeah, I saw that concert. Closest I came to my own dream band, The Shuteye Train. Doesn’t matter I’m old enough to know better. But it’s Lake who should know better than to dangle a documentary over my head I don’t know how to see. Curses.

Mick’s a great grandfather. I’m on the verge. Changes your stage style.

I never believed anyone. Do you believe that?

Just an ordinary old man.

Just an ordinary old man.

Now, finally, I realize I’m a decrepit old jerk with a really cool backstory. Shammadamma.

SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL. Mephistopheles leaned back in his chair with a sigh.

“It’s been a good run,” he said.

“But all good things have to come to an end, right?” replied Mick.

“Yes. But sometimes one wishes one could make an exception for special circumstances.”

“But one can’t make an exception. You DID sign the contract, did you not?”

“That I did, Sir Mick.”

So Mick collected the soul of Mephistopheles and returned to his concert tour.

Shidooby.

The first Safe for Work topless pic

I half expect to see Clinton and Suzanne from 'What Not to Wear' pursuing the protesters down the runway...

I half expect to see Clinton and Stacy from ‘What Not to Wear’ pursuing the protesters down the runway… “Don’t show off what you don’t have!”

I have one objective today. To make people laugh. My Global Warming piece failed. You’re all too serious, knotted up, falling to earth without a ripcord… Wrong way to do it, friends. You got to reeeelaaaax.

Try this:

A Liverpool model said she “punched” two Femen protesters who broke onto the catwalk at Paris fashion week and grabbed her arm.

Hollie-May Saker was modelling for designer Nina Ricci in the French capital when protesters from the radical feminist group ran on stage, with the words “model, don’t go to brothel” painted across their torsos.

When one of the two women grabbed Ms Saker’s hand, she can be seen pulling her hand away in response, before both members of the Ukrainian group were dragged away by a security guard who quickly rushed onto the stage.

Anfield resident Ms Saker continued to walk around the catwalk even as the protesters were being pulled off stage.

Speaking to the Liverpool Echo, Ms Saker said: “I punched her – I didn’t mean to but she grabbed my arm and I just wanted to get her off me.

“I was the 19th girl out of the catwalk and I could hear screaming behind me.

“As she grabbed by arm she lifted my skirt exposing me – I pulled my arm back with such force that I landed a punch square on her nose.”

It’s a fun story, guaranteed to be more interesting than what Boehner said to Reid on their landline phones.

Don’t you love the way they put “punched” in quotes. Models can’t punch. Just like high fashion models don’t actually have breasts, any more than they have flesh on their thighs or hips. Perfect. So protesters of models are actually like anti-models and they don’t have any of those things either. Not to mention the brain thing. Which I won’t.

So that leaves us with models built like starving twelve year old boys being protested by Femen activists built like starving twelve year old boys, both endowed with the brains of sociopathic nine year olds (sorry, I lied), and there’s both nudity and violence!!!

Except that there isn’t. No breasts at all. No punches at all. Just an anorexic flail of arm.

Oh well. Think of it as part of my continuing training on the Obama foreign policy. Nothing done but nothing to look at anyway.

On the other hand, naked is naked. You do get to see the empress unclothed. If you choose to look away, that’s information too. Obama’s spent a lot of time on the runway. I’ve seen enough skinny pigeon chest for a lifetime. How about you?

Relax.