Hey! We’re busy!
Everybody got all upset that the president didn’t attend the meeting of the National Security Team the other day. Who cares about the Ukraine anyway? Nobody. Not really.
There isn’t going to be a war over Ukraine. There isn’t even going to be a crisis over Ukraine. We will perform our ritual war-dance and excoriate the Evil Emperor, and the result would be the same if we had sung “100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” on a road trip to Kalamazoo. Worry about something really scary, like Iran.
What IS important is the president’s NCAA basketball tournament brackets. Think I’m kidding?
I’m actually not. Kidding, I mean. Reality check.
Things people forget. Putin is a tinpot dictator. His country has no economy apart from gangsters. China is similar. Every business model ever written demonstrates that excessive rapid growth leads to a crash. A generation ago, people were terrified that Japan would own us. Then they crashed. T’was ever so. Let’s not forget that despite Obama, America is far and away the richest nation that ever existed. Has been for more than a century. Still is. It could take another century to change that fact. We also have a military that can kick everyone’s ass even with two hands tied behind our ass with the sequester. Cuts? Awfulness? Sure. But screw with us for real and Hell will be rained upon you. Annihilation. Our nukes work. Everyone knows that.
The ultimate proof of American Exceptionalism. Yeah. We are so great, so rich, so powerful that we can elect the dumbest leader in the history of the world to date and survive it with a smile on our face. Compared to Obama, Caligula was a genius and Rome survived even him.
The bright side. We have a retarded president but even he can’t end us. We’re all a little poorer economically but we’re still richer than everyone else. Our poorest people have cell phones and hi-def teevees and the most expensive handguns made. The world is imploding at a frightening rate, but all it means in the grand scheme of things is that the world will wake up from its bad Obama dream and say, “America! Come back and save us from ourselves!” Which we will do. Even if our next president is a Democrat. Because he or she won’t won’t be an America-hating Alinskyite Marxist Anti-Semite Islamist sympathizer.
You see? We’re going to get through this. Anybody doubt that sequester military cuts can be undone in an instant? Anybody doubt that every nation in the world fears American military might if anybody had the balls to unleash it for real?
Anybody doubt that the American economy can soar again after the worst president in the history of the republic graduates to the chairmanship of the Ethnic Cleansing Committee of the United Nations?
No! We. Will. Be. Back. Obama has been, in retrospect, a necessary demonstration of why the world needs the United States of America. Like the useful idiot he was raised to be, he has shown everyone why they need us even if they don’t want to admit it. What invariably happens when the adults leave the room and put the kids in charge. Bullies aren’t smart, but they know opportunity when it is handed to them on a silver platter. So be it. Until you make them look like the nobodies they are.
Which brings us back to brackets. The manliest thing this pea-brained president can do, at this time of Ukraine bullshititude supreme, is go on ESPN and show the world that America really really really doesn’t care about Putin’s manboobs and homophobic homosexuality. What we care about is the only insanity that matters: March Madness.
Me? I’m as contradictory as it gets. I’m still rooting for Harvard to get to the big dance.
We can survive this. And we don’t have to settle. If Harvard doesn’t win, I’m rooting just as avidly for Villanova. If Duke or UNC wins again, THEN we’ll start talking about the end of life as we know it.
Get busy on your brackets, O. We need you to save the nation by an act of sheer obliviousness. I have every confidence.