Yessir
Arafak He's from the middle east
somewhere, and he's got that cool stubble.
He's got something to do with the Palistinians. Maybe he's their Presdent.
He's also maybe a terrorist. And it could be he's more than a little stupid.
When you incite continual terror attacks against the most military-minded
nation
in the wurld, what do you expect the outcome will be? If you think it's
anything other than F-16s flying down your throat and tanks driving up
your ass, you're an idiot. And another thing. What nation that deserves
to be a nation would choose as its leader a toad with a kitchen towel on
his head?
B
Toni
Bair. Isn't he like the Presdent of the Yukay?
He's kind of like Clitton, only he's
got that pansy accent. He's
definitely
the Presdent of the Yukay, and its strange but nice that he's suddenly
decided to do this New Age impersonation of Winson Churchill. Of course,
it's hard to bring it off in a country that's willing to go to war in order
to end terrorism, but not willing to execute a terrorist.
Bono
Bondo. He's the lead singer of the band You Too.
David Bowie
David Body. He's an old time rock star from the Yukay, but he's too cool° to be a has-been. Like he used to wear a dress before anybody else knew it was cool.
C
Fidel
Castrol. He's the dictator dude°
from Cuber. He'd make a really cool Lesbian°—all
that camo and the cap and the cigars. But he's maybe too violent°
to be cool. Didn't he kill JFK
or something? Since
911, a lot of people have stopped thinking he's cool and started remembering
that he's a murderous dictator who supports and sponsors international
terrorism. What a setback. He's even made it onto The List. You know. The
people we get around to eventually after we escort Oswami from his military
tribunal to his coffin.
Prince Charles
Prince Charle. He's from Whailes, right? He was married to Lady Die, and he's a real bastard.
Jacques Chirac
Jacques
Chicrat. He looks kind of like a frog, doesn't he? Is he maybe
from Canadia?
He's from Franch. He's sort of supporting
the Amerian anti-terrorist effort. You know how the French support things.
They do as little as possible and show up very late at all the events,
probably because they got delayed by a fascinating conversation, held entirely
in French, about how revolting and inferior the Amerians are.
Sean Connery
Sean Connerly. One of the three oldest leading men in Hollywood. Cool°. Is he maybe from Scotlan? He was also Bond. James Bond. The real Bond. The one who smoked cigarettes and nailed every babe° in the picture and even shot them if they were being a treacherous bitch°. That's not cool anymore, even though it is. Kind of. You know.
D
E
F
G
Ellio Gonzalo. The little boy from Cuber that all the Cuben-Amerians want to stay in Ameria and all the good° Amerians want to send back to Cuber because they love° him so much they couldn't stand it if he got killed by a drive-by shooter in Maimi.
Juan Miguel Gonzalez
Juan Miguel Gonzalo. Nice suit. Nice tie. Wonder where he's going to hang those in the hut. But they'll look great on the cover of Type magazine when he wins 'Father of the Year' for taking his boy home to a sentence of 70 years at hard labor.
H
Saddam Hussein
Soddum
Hussanus.The Beast of Irak. He's on the
List, maybe as high as Number Two, right behind you-know-who. He helped,
probably, and it doesn't matter if he didn't, because he's done plenty
of other stuff, including maybe the first bomb at the World Trade Center
and trying to assassinate George
The Elder Bush, who very conspicuously did not try to assassinate
him, which means he's downright impolite. And a beast.
I
J
Mick
Jaeger. The all-time champion rock star. He showed everybody else how
to do it,and they all tried to live up to it even if it killed them, which
it generally did, so everybody stopped trying and went alternative°
instead, which is better. Kind of. But what if all the alternatives fade
away too, and Mick is still there, prancing his ass off with the Roiling
Stones? That's kind of a scary thought, isn't it? Is there a word for something
that's even better than cool°? Shidooby.
(See The Boomer Bible, Book of Pspeciastes, Pspec 3, verses 9-15)
Elton John
Elder John. The only major rock star
who was never cool°. Then he
got even worse. He did that bad song about Marilyn
Munroe and when Lady Die got killed,
he changed a few of the words and got the Queen
to make him a knight. Now he's Sir Reggie. That's not cool. That's geeky.
(See The Zeezer Bible, Book of Doo Dooz, Chapter 4)
K
Michael Kane. He's a famous actor from Englan, but what movies was he ever in? Does anybody remember?
Nicole Kidman
Nicole Kidding. She's an actress, and she used to be married to Tom Cool. She's from Austria, but she's in the United States looking for sex. The men in Austria drink too much beer to have sex. She could probably have found what she's looking for here, but she decided to look in Hollywood. That has to be considered a sign of poor judgment.
L
M
Paul
McCockney. He's a Beadle. Maybe the most famous one. See George
and John.(See also The Boomer Bible,
Book of Pspeciastes, Pspec 3, verses 3-12.)
N
Boris Nyetsin. If this guy still isn't dead, he should maybe get together with Clitton for some drinking and dirty jokes before he cashes in his chips. Just a thought.
O
Oswami
Bin Addled. The Foreigner. After all that endless searching
by the media for the Clitton legacy—that is, something we'll remember Presdent
Dickhead for besides Monica—here
it is, and it ain't pretty. He'd be nothing but another two-bit punk with
a messiah complex if Clitton hadn't ostentatiously avoided every opportunity
to squash him flat before he could do some serious damage. This mastermind
talk is nonsense. Oswami has all the intellect of a wolverine, which means
he possesses a certain cunning about the peculiar occupation of murdering
unsuspecting victims. This does not make him unique. The middle
east is full of barbarians who confuse homicide with religious virtue;
that's why Mahomet loaded his weird, megalomaniacal tract The Qe'eran
(or however the hell they're spelling it this week) with bloodcurdling
exhortations to kill and be killed in the name of a faith he chose to call
"Peace" (a.k.a. Islum). He knew his self-aggrandizing 'scripture' would
never sell in the caveman wurld of Araby without plenty of hatred, gore,
and psychotic violence between the covers. When your audience is men who
beat their wives and sleep with their camels,
everything has to
be done ass backwards. So Mahomet succeeded; he invented a blood feud disguised
as a religion that described a social system optimized for the Sixth Century
A.D. It worked for a while at the beginning—militarily at least—which is
how the Moslem hordes conquered the Mediterranean basin and made the Crusades
necessary.
Civilized people had to regain access to the treasure and wisdom
of their cultural ancestors, or the Wurld would
have remained locked in the Sixth Century forever. Which leads us to the
question of what this Oswami scum wants. (The leftists keep asking this
question as if it were interesting, and as if its answer would provide
us with transformational understanding.) It's simple. He wants what all
the Moslem barbarians want. He wants the Sixth Century back. Except he
probably wants to hang onto his cell phone. And his black market plutonium.
They're his ticket to the seventy virgins he's expecting to deflower in
heaven. But they don't have any virgins where he's going. And he's going
there soon. Why? Because he's fifteen centuries behind the times, which
makes him too dumb to live.
P
The
Pope. He was charismatic and energetic when he moved into The
Vatigan, which is where the Pope has to live. So he got shot, naturally,
and now he's got a little bulletproof golf cart to ride around in. If the
Born Agains° could spare a few
minutes of Jeesus's time, it looks like
the Pope could use a little solace and comfort. Some healing might be nice
too. Of course, if Bobby Joe University has some problem with that, we'd
understand. Without the Roman Catholic Church, the Bobby Joe campus would
be a cotton field, and the student body would be reading their scripture
from the yellow pages. But we'd understand. The Pope would understand too.
What's more, he'd forgive. We'll try.
Q
Muamar Quaddaffy. Formerly, the number one maniac in the Third Wurld°. Now he's slipped to number
Queen Elizabeth
Queen Elizabitch. Bitch° is right.
R
Keith Richer. Shidooby. See also Mick.
S
Saran Saran. He killed Robert F. Schwartzenkennedy. Because it was Tuesday. That's the story anyway.
Ariel Sharon
Ariel Sharone. He's the Presdent of Isreal, and he's completely out of patience with Yessir Arafak. He doesn't think toads should go scuttling around with kitchen towels on their heads. He's probably right.
Elias Sosaa
Ellio Soso. Homeruns are cool°.
Sting
Stink. You'd probably change your name too if you started out as a 'Gordon.' But there are better names to pick.
T
U
Uswami
Bin Addled. The Foreigner. After all that endless searching
by the media for the Clitton legacy—that is, something we'll remember Presdent
Dickhead for besides Monica—here
it is, and it ain't pretty. He'd be nothing but another two-bit punk with
a messiah complex if Clitton hadn't ostentatiously avoided every opportunity
to squash him flat before he could do some serious damage. This mastermind
talk is nonsense. Oswami has all the intellect of a wolverine, which means
he possesses a certain cunning about the peculiar occupation of murdering
unsuspecting victims. This does not make him unique. The middle
east is full of barbarians who confuse homicide with religious virtue;
that's why Mahomet loaded his weird, megalomaniacal tract The Qe'eran
(or however the hell they're spelling it this week) with bloodcurdling
exhortations to kill and be killed in the name of a faith he chose to call
"Peace" (a.k.a. Islum). He knew his self-aggrandizing 'scripture' would
never sell in the caveman wurld of Araby without plenty of hatred, gore,
and psychotic violence between the covers. When your audience is men who
beat their wives and sleep with their camels,
everything has to
be done ass backwards. So Mahomet succeeded; he invented a blood feud disguised
as a religion that described a social system optimized for the Sixth Century
A.D. It worked for a while at the beginning—militarily at least—which is
how the Moslem hordes conquered the Mediterranean basin and made the Crusades
necessary.
Civilized people had to regain access to the treasure and wisdom
of their cultural ancestors, or the Wurld would
have remained locked in the Sixth Century forever. Which leads us to the
question of what this Oswami scum wants. (The leftists keep asking this
question as if it were interesting, and as if its answer would provide
us with transformational understanding.) It's simple. He wants what all
the Moslem barbarians want. He wants the Sixth Century back. Except he
probably wants to hang onto his cell phone. And his black market plutonium.
They're his ticket to the seventy virgins he's expecting to deflower in
heaven. But they don't have any virgins where he's going. And he's going
there soon. Why? Because he's fifteen centuries behind the times, which
makes him too dumb to live.
V
W
X
Y
Z
Jang
Zemang. The presdent of Chyna.
He looks like a nice guy, but in reality he's only nice when his cash is
buying the Amerian Presdency for a patsy of his own choosing. He didn't
choose George W., which meant he wasn't nice at all when one of his lamebrain
pilots (named Wong Wai, for God's sake) drove his tinkertoy jetfighter
into an Amerian reconnaissance plane. Sometime after we get done wiping
out the terrorists, Chyna's going to have to be dealt with. Jang is asking
for it. We shouldn't disappoint him.
Go to Who's Who of Has-Beens
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