John
Ashcross. Okay, so he's a Christian. There are worse religions.
If you know what we mean. The thing is, this guy is a true hard-ass, right
where we need one about now. Can you imagine Janet
Rambo standing up to the red guards of the ACLU? Not a chance. She'd
be bending over for every terrorist that knew how to find a lawyer in the
yellow pages. But this guy eats nails for breakfast. Has anyone ever seen
him laugh? The only thing he thinks is funny is the prospect of giving
Oswami
Bin Addled an honest-to-God Amerian trial, with TV lawyers and starstruck
jurors and a camera-hog judge to help him walk away from the Big One. Now
that's hilarious. Something else that's worth at least a chuckle is the
amount of time it's going to take to find Oswami and his Al Qidiot henchmen
guilty in a military tribunal. It takes more time to run a hundred meters
at the Olympics than it will to dispose of this particular bag of Arab
garbage.
B
Al
Bore. See Has-Beens, Different Wurld.
Aaron Brown
Aaron Broun. Hey, we thought we were getting Undrea Thompson as a new anchorman at CTN, but instead we get this weasel-faced little creep. He has only one credential for the job we can detect: no one anywhere ever has mastered the "I-know-far-more-about-this-whole-disgusting-business-than-I'm-saying" look better than this guy. But he's also got the same look as the guy who sells everybody out to the Krauts in Stalag 19, and the android who's really working for the company in that alien movie (See Alienator in Shuteye Town 1999), and... well, you get the picture. Why do we need him now?
George W. Bush
George
Walker Chevy Snaffle Adidas Bush XIV. The Presdent of the United States
of Ameria. Wow. Remember what we opined way back in 2000 about his inheritance
from the old man? He may
or may not have brains, but he's got balls.
Jeb Bush
Jed Bush. The Governor
of Florda. You can practically hear Carvall
sharpening his fangs for the next gubernatorial election. But now that
his big brother got so BIG all of a sudden, maybe the cavalry can kick
Carvall's ass for a change.
C
Jean
Cardamom. Now that we've entered the Age of Patriotism, we're trying
to say nice things about the people who are running the country. Hmmmmmm.
How about....? No, that wouldn't work. We could say.... Uh, no, we couldn't.
Hmmmm. Hmmmmmm. Oh. If it weren't for this bitch, we wouldn't have Ashcross
for Attorney-General. Thanks, Jean.
Dick Cheney
Dick
Chainy. As Vice Presdent of the United States in the new Age
of
Bill Clinton
William Jeffersen
Clitton. The former Presdent of the United States of Ameria.
Thank God. (We're allowed to say that now. We could even say it again if
we wanted to.) Thank God. (See Has-Beens,
Different Wurld.)
Sean Puffy Combs
Sean "Puff Tubby" Coins. It's getting
harder and harder for Puff to stay in the public eye. No more JLow.
No more pending felony charges. No talent. How about a patriotic rap CD?
That might be just the ticket. Otherwise, Puff might be making the long
sad journey to the has-beens page any day now.
Tom Cruise
Tom
Cool. He's getting a new wife, isn't he? It's kind of mystifying. We
would have thought that Penelope Crudez was the kind
of girl who might like sex. But it's none of our business. That doesn't
usually stop us, of course.
Penelope Cruz
Penelope
Crudez. One of the new kind of female movie star, the kind who don't
need sex as a component of marriage. It sure makes her seem like a better
actress in all those parts where she's sporting her breasts and attitude
like all the other bimbos.
Gary Condit
Gary
Cundit.
(See Has-Beens, Different Wurld)
D
Tom Dishell. Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate. It's important that we say something nice about him now that we're embarked on the new Age of
Robert Downey, Jr.
Robert
Downhearted. What did we say last time?
Yup. We'll stay with that.
Laurie Dhu
Eneman.
In the Age of
F
G
Rudy Giuliangri. Talk about a Newyork comeback. Bobby Tomson's homerun was a foul ball compared to what Rudy's accomplished since 911. He really does love Newyork. And Newyork loves him back. The only problem is, where does he go from here? Take four years off and resume being mayor when everybody gets tired of whats-his-name? Or maybe he could accept a Bush appointment to replace the Newyork-based federal attorney and Clitton appointee (Mary Joe Something?) who's supposedly investigating the Clitton pardon scandal. Then, after Hillery's indictment and recall, he could be elected U.S. Senator for the state of (ta da!) Newyork. Just a thought. She'd probably cream him again anyway.
H
Hillary Clinton
Hillery.
This has not been what you'd call a great year for Hillery. The pardon
scandal was a big disappointment, especially the involvement of her own
brother. And then, just as she was beginning to think about repudiating
her adamant disavowal of any interest in the Presdency, here comes the
911 fiasco. It made Bill look bad, what with him not having done thing
one about Oswami during his eight years in office, which made her look
bad by association. It made Rudy Giuliangri look good,
which made her look bad by comparison. And it made her look even more like
a carpetbagger, which she is, and more like a cold unfeeling bitch, which
she is, and more like an accomplice in a criminal enterprise than the First
Lady of the Clitton Presdency, which she was. Is she still planning to
be Presdent? Probably. Somebody's going to have to pay big time for her
getting booed at the telethon. Everybody in the country would suit her
just fine for payback. Anybody want to vote for that? Probably. This is
Ameria. Still.
I
J
Jesse Jaxon. If he can bluff his way through the current firestorm of charges concerning his inveterate corruption, hypocrisy, and amorality, then there truly is no hope for Afrian-Amerians. Let's hope they start demanding more of their leaders. They can start by demanding that Jesse get the hell off the stage and go sit down.
Jim Jeffried. Let's see. Nice.
What's that old saying? If you can't say something nice, then...
K
Nicole Kidding. Now that she's not married to Tom Cool anymore, does she belong here? Or does she have to go sit with The Foreigners. Yup.
L
Jennifer
Lobez. Now she's supposed to be the most beautiful woman in the wurld.
Despite the tiny amount of clothing she wears, nobody's even noticed that
she's got a fat ass and a flat chest. That's what we call dressing for
success.
Jennifer Lopez
M
Madamma.
She's married with two kids. She's a pacifist too; at her concerts after
911, she urged the audience to exhort George W not to make war against
the terrorists. Isn't this all a bit drab and tedious? Is she trying for
retro chic here? Or is she really turning retro in the way that old clothes
do--by sitting there in the closet growing older and more out-of-date by
the day?
N
O
Bill
"Pop" O'Really. Who is this guy? All of a sudden he shows up on cable,
and it turns out he's been mad as hell for years. If you look hard when
he gets going, you can actually see a little fleck of foam there at the
corner of his mouth. And his eyes glow red with that crazy Irish rage.
Really. You've got to hand it to him. He nailed the United Weigh and the
Red Crost for keeping all the money Amerians donated for the 911
victims. Some of the Holywood stars thought that was pretty mean-spirited
of him. That's not mean-spirited. Mean-spirited is writing a new book about
yourself every week and then using a third of your TV show hectoring everybody
to buy them. Just kidding, Bill. We're fans. Really. But could you take
time out some night to explain the name of your show?
The O'Really [Bracket]?
And all that guff about the 'No-Spinach Zone.' We don't get it. Really.
P
Colin
Pow. The retired general who never once got his uniform dirty,
or bloody, or anything disgusting like that. But he was cool, calm, and
collected in all those Pentagon meetings, which is why he never had time
to go outside for thirty years and is now paler than a Swede in winter.
You could tell he'd been in the military so long that the last thing he
wanted was to try his luck with another war. But to his credit, he's been
warming slowly to the task. The first few times he said the words "evil"
and "evildoer," he looked like they tasted bad. But nothing succeeds like
success, and the more he watched Rumsfield garnering praise for using the
word "kill," the more easily such words escaped from his own mouth. Now
he's almost voluble on the subjects of evil and killing, which is pretty
good for a desk jockey who probably never even heard those words when he
was a general. He may turn out to be an okay Secretary of State after all.
Bill Press
Bill Priss. When 911 hit he was still talking
about the election and all the morons who got disenfranchised in Florda
because they couldn't poke a hole in a piece of paper. Now he doesn't know
what to talk about. He made the mistake of appearing on the The O'Really
[Bracket] and declaring that all political commentary was nothing
more than spin°. He compounded the
error by seeming to take the position that there aren't such things as
facts and truth; these are spin too. It's not a good idea to argue to Bill
O'Really that you're a flat-out whore but it's okay because everyone else
is too. O'Really doesn't like that kind of talk. Priss's head currently
reposes in a jar on O'Really's anchor desk, but it's not as much of a setback
as you might think. Priss still retains possession of his magnificent brain.
It was never in his head to begin with.
Jack Quink. By all rights he should be joining the rest of the Pardongate crowd over in Has-Beens, but we can't help thinking that there's another shoe waiting to drop in the Richard Rich matter. If it does drop, we're sure he'll be there, smoothly explaining why it's ridiculous that people could think there was anything untoward in his own behavior or that of the Presdent.
R
Dan
Ratter. He broke down and wept on Dave
Kutterman's show. What was that all about? Isn't the Viagro working?
He'll probably buck up when he reads that new book about his network...
What's it called? Biased? He'll love it.
Condoleeza Rice
Congoleum Rice. She's the national security adviser. When she starts talking about war and terrorism, she sounds like somebody's younger sister reading her college term paper out loud at the dinner table. But she sounds like a smart younger sister.
Denise Rich
Deniese
Rich. Do you think she wants her saxophone back?
Marc Rich
Richard
Rich. He seems to haved dropped out of the news. Do you think he'll
drop back in when we start dealing with Irak?
Didn't he do some pretty big business with them? Some pretty big illegal
business with them? Will anybody care, do you think, that the Presdent
of the United States pardoned a criminal agent of a terrorist government
nine months before all hell broke loose? Nah.
Tom Ridge
Tom Rigid. He's the new Czar, or is it Secretary, of Homeland Security. Where did he come from? Does anybody know? Did he ever make anybody's homeland secure before? Who is it that even has a homeland? It sounds German or something like that. Is that where we got Rigid? He looks, well, squarish enough to be German, but he smiles too much. We sure hope George knows what he's doing on this one.
Geraldo Rivera
Jerraldo
Riviera. Color us surprised. Not only does he jump from the GatesCrap
Cable Network to the right wing conspiracy called tthe XOFF Network, but
he also comes very close to conceding that he may have overdone his defense
of Clitton just a little. Or isn't that what he meant by referring to the
former Pres as "a liar and a perjurer?" At any rate, he's doing penance
now in Afghanisand, where his bloodcurdling
accounts
of how miserable life is for Jerraldo Riviera at the front are winning
fans in unexpected quarters. Keep up the good work, Jerraldo. Even Bill
O'Really may eventually forgive you.
Hugh Rodham
Huge
Roddem. (See Has-Beens, Different
Wurld)
Julia Roberts
Julia
Rubbish. She was very sweet at the big 9/11 telethon. It was disappointing,
though, that she didn't elaborate on her views about George W. That would
have been a nice touch. Something to complement the bizarre performance
by her erstwhile costar, Richard Gore. Maybe we'll have to wait till the
next time she's nominated for an award. That always seems to get her political
juices flowing.
Donald Rumsfeld
Donald Rumsfield. He wants to "kill"
the "enemy." Wow. Who ever heard of a Secretary of Defense talking like
that? Don't they usually maunder on about "neutralizing the opposing force"
or "accomplishing strategic objectives" or some piffle like that? But what
other Secretary of Defense has reported to a Commander-in-Chief who says
he wants the "evildoer" brought to justice "dead or alive. I don't care
which." That must be the real danger of electing an inarticulate man to
the Presdency. The media were terrified that it would come to this: grown
men in positions of leadership using real words, simple words, to communicate
with the Amerian people. Shocking. Does his style of verbiage have anything
to do with Rumsfield's success in fighting a swift, brutal war in impassible
terrain against an "opposing force" the press feared as much they did Soddom's
Republican Guards prior to Desert Stork? Maybe Rumsfield told his generals
what he wanted them to do. In plain English. Maybe they understood. Because
he said it in plain English. Danger, danger, danger...
S
T
Undrea
Thompson. The new anchorman for the Cable Turnip News Network. Has
she started yet? There was this big announcement, and then no Undrea. What
gives?
Michael Kinsley
Michael
Tingly. He's got those glasses, and that little rat face, and that
superior, whining contempt for everybody who didn't major in Condescension
at Harvurd. You know who we mean. He was on CTN's Crosswire, that
show where everybody acts like a housecat on PCP. He was the one who occupied
the pansy chair on the left before Bill
Priss moved into it and hung up his own little curtains there. Anyway,
we'd kind of lost track of Michael until Bill O'Really
invited him onto his show, The O'Really [Bracket], and chewed
his skinny little ass into a hundred pieces. That was fun.We think it ought
to be a series.
U
V
W
Christie
Tubb-Woman. She's still the head of EPA. She said the fumes billowing
out of the wreckage of the twin towers are safe. We hope she knows what
she's talking about. We really do. But we can't help remembering that she
comes from New Joisey, where there
are fumes billowing out of everything almost all the time.
X
Y
Z
Paula Zing. Unlike most members of the media, Paula actually experienced the 911 trauma firsthand. A day after the attack, she had her limo driver pull over at the Lower Madhattan deli where she usually procured her going-to-work snack, and they sold her a stale bagel. She reported this on the XOFF News Channel that morning. She never did quite overcome the fit of nerves this disaster occasioned. Her tone in interviews teetered between hysteria and depressive uninterest, until the Turnip Cable Network offered her a safer haven to preside over--the heavily fortified anchor desk of the only news organization that had the politesse to refer to the 911 terrorists as 'suspected hijackers.' Who knows what might make the difference between life and death when they start hijacking TV journalism studios? XOFF pretended to be mad when she left, but even they must have noticed how uncomfortable Paula was with the "We Report, You Decide" approach. After all, she cut her teeth over at Dan Ratter's network, where the slogan is, "We Decide, You Can Kiss Our Ass." Happy trails, Paula.
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