December 15, 2001—BoraTora, Afghanisand: "Today, we had to eat canned tofu, and, boy, I'm telling you it sucked. The good news is, though, we're making a lot of progress defeating the head lice, which are a real scourge here in Bad Guy Country. What we do is, we send one of our native bear—uh, helpers—35 miles upcountry for a 5-gallon pot of water, which we boil over a fire made of burning burkas— contributed incidentally by our excellent native secretaries, who are happy to wear Amerian lingerie instead—and then we plunge our head into the boiling water, which really smarts I can tell you, but it kills those vicious little evildoers dead. That's all for now. Tomorrow, I'll be reporting on our offensive against diarrhea. Until then, this is Jerraldo Riviera at the front.