Ben Affect. In some ways his career couldn't be going better. He campaigned like a champ for Al Bore, and then he took a clear lead over some of his contemporaries (Mutt Demon, Leotardo diFabio et al) by embarking on alcohol rehab shortly after the opening of his new movie Pearl Harbor Day. All that's to the good. But Pearl Harbor Day turned out to be a dud. Was it that nobody really wanted to see a movie about Ameria taking it in the shorts, no matter how much they talk as if that would be a fine thing for the wurld? Was it that all the romantic horsing around seemed somehow more evocative of 2001 than 1941? Or was it that Affect and company weren't terribly convincing as brave, upright young innocents who were standing on the threshhold of one of the most remarkable military achievements in history? Probably none of the above. Truth is, when you're going to take the gigantic risk of doing a movie about an historical event, it's a good idea to pick one that people have heard of. Better luck next time, Ben.
John Ashcroft
John
Ashcross. It’s a good thing we’ve entered the age of civility°,
or who knows what names the Democratics°
might have come up with to describe the low behavior of a Christian°
politician who gave away his senate seat to the widow of his dead opponent.
He’s also very anti-pro-choice°,
which is absolutely unspeakable, because it has something to do with babies,
doesn’t it? Something bad. Or all the women wouldn’t hate Ashcross so much
for whatever his position is. And although the Democratics were too polite
to mention it, Ashcross also has some kind of a problem with Afrian-Amerians°,
doesn’t he? Or else he wouldn’t have voted against one of them for a federal
judgeship once. Pretty raw stuff. He wouldn’t have gotten away with this
kind of shit if Clitton were still Presdent°.
Back when we still had some standards for political conduct. But Clitton’s
gone, and this Christian anti-pro-choice racist is now our Attorney-General°.
We’d say, “God help us,” except that for some reason it doesn’t quite seem
the mot juste. Or does it?
B
Al
Bore. See Who's Who Among Has-Beens.
David Boies
David Boys. It
seemed a lot longer than fifteen minutes of fame. It seemed like fifteen
years. But we have a feeling, however long it was, it's over.
George W. Bush
George
Walker Chevy Snaffle Adidas Bush XIV. The Presdent of the United States
of Ameria. Sort of. Actually, he's El Presdente de Los Estados Unidos,
which is really cool, sort of.
Jeb Bush
Jed Bush. The Governor
of Florda. Wonder for how long. You can practically hear Carvall
sharpening his fangs for the next gubernatorial election...
C
Jean
Cardamom. Let's see. Ashcross basically
gives her his seat in the senate out of respect for her husband's untimely
death, so what does she do? She hands all her husband's opposition research
to the Judiciary Committee so they can skewer him in the confirmation hearings
and then she votes against him. Wow. That Ashcross must be a real wrong
number for attorney-general.
Linda Chavez
Linda
Chacha. Just a brief stopover in Who’s Who before returning
to the Has-Beens page. She had a chance
to be secretary of labor, but then it turned out that she was running the
underground railroad from Mehico to Ameria
, which might represent a conflict of interest or something.
Dick Cheney
Dick
Chainy. As Vice Presdent of the United States in the new age
of civility°,
Chainy staffed his administration with an eye to diversity, so that come
reelection time there will be no meaningful demographic that is not represented.
Having locked up the inarticulate preppy twit vote by choosing George W.
to fill the highly visible position of Presdent, he was free to get more
daring in some of his other picks. For example, the choice of Colin
Pow for Secretary of State practically guarantees that Republians°
can count on the votes of urbane, spineless bureaucrats in every walk of
life. And with Congoleum Rice as national
security adviser, the Republians should also have the Afrian-Amerian ivory-tower-intellectual
vote sewn up. Then there’s the gentlemanly fundamentalist fascist vote,
which is now sitting comfortably in Attorney General John
Ashcross’s pocket. And thanks to Christie
Tubb-Woman in the top spot at EPA, the all-important demographic of
hare-brained pro-choice soccer moms is also within the Republians grasp—as
long as Chainy doesn’t forget his electoral math and fire Christie Tubb-Woman
for being as dumb as a fencepost. Of course, he may forget—just as he did
when he backed down on the nomination of Linda Chacha
for secretary of labor; if he’d toughed it out, the huge and growing power
of the illegal immigrant vote would have come under Republian control for
the first time in history. It’s too early to tell whether Chainy can make
up for this gaffe by the strategem of having George give all his speeches
in Spanish. Problem is, the cynics are sure to assume that this is just
a clever way of preventing the English-speaking voters from learning anything
about Chainy’s policies, which are focused pretty sharply on boosting the
amount of arsenic in the Democratics’ drinking water and paving all of
North Ameria so that the oil rigs can be set up anywhere his buddies in
Big Oil want to put them. It would have been smarter to start George W.
talking Spanish before Chainy’s plans for starting a nuclear war with Chyna
got known, but who knows, it may all work out—the whole soap opera about
the spy plane crew did succeed in capturing the crucial sobbing-military-mom
vote. In politics you have to take chances to get what you want.
Roger Clinton
Roger Clitton. Are we completely sure he's not related to Huge Roddem? No. But that would mean that Bill and Hillery are... well, you know. Yes. That's exactly what it would mean. Among other things.
Bill Clinton
William Jeffersen Clitton. The former Presdent of the United States of Ameria. At last. (See Has-Beens 2001.)
Sean Puffy Combs
Sean "Puff Tubby" Coins. It keeps getting better and better. Predictably, he beat the rap for that little nightclub shootout, but then he inexplicably got dumped by JLow. Who could bear to part with a sweet, selfless little bundle of charisma like Puff Tubby? Does she know something we don't? Or is she just figuring out something anybody with half a brain could have told her a couple years ago?
Tom Cruise
Tom
Cool. The only thing lacking in Tom's spectacular career to date (as
we pointed out last year) was a nice big juicy scandal. Now he seems to
have hit the bullseye with both barrels: 1) Wife Nicole
Kidding is suing him for divorce, on rumored grounds that Tom never
has sex with her; and 2) Tom is suing a gay porn star for libel, based
on print interviews in which the defendant claimed to have had a homosexual
affair with Mr. Cool. Wow. Talk about timing. Just as he was approaching
the perilous age of 40, he gets a break like this! Some people have all
the luck. At this rate, Tom Cool's star will never fade. He'll go on forever,
like Sean Connerly or something.
Gary Condit
Gary Cundit. Talk about an Amerian success story! Last year, just a back-bencher in the largest congressional delegation there is. This year, the kind of superstardom you can only get with a juicy sex scandal linked to the possibility of foul play and the merest whiff of biker involvement. They can't write them any better than that in Hollywood. So what if people are talking trash about him. There's an old old saying that goes, "All publicity is good publicity." When the voters walk into that booth, they're going to find a name they recognize, and even if they can't quite place the face, they'll still feel a subliminal reminder of Bill Clitton, which is about the best you can hope for if you're a Democratic. And, actually, that's the only possible fly in the ointment here. For some reason, the TV journalists don't seem anxious to remind anybody that Gary is a Democratic. The little subtitle on the screen always seems to read "Rep., Californica." which ordinary Amerians are supposed to know means "Representative." Is it their fault if ordinary Amerians think it means "Republian"? N-o-o-o-o.
D
Tom Dishell.
Robert Downey, Jr.
Robert
Downhearted. Yes, big stars are supposed to get arrested on
drug and weapons charges. Yes, they're supposed to endure the humiliation
of TV trials in which starstruck judges jump all over their heads like
something out of a bad TV lawyer show. But no, they're not supposed to
go to prison. Robert hasn't figured this part out. It could cost him his
career. It could cost him more than that.
Laurie Dhu
Eneman.
Forget talent. In the Age of Civility, the best candidate for stardom is
a rude, crude, bigoted little punk in great big pants. Voila Eneman. He
likes to use the N-Word, he doesn't like homosexuals, and he tells us he
wants to sleep with his mother. What a guy. Who could resist such a bucketload
of charm? Certainly not the legions of little boys seeking someone, anyone,
to look up to. Now if he can just stay out of jail long enough to enjoy
the ride before he reaches the obligatory high-profile sojourn in rehab,
we'll have another classic Amerian success story in the can.
F
G
H
Kathryn
Harries.She took the heat in Florda for Bush, and it didn't even melt
her makeup.So where's the cabinet post? Maybe later. After all the civility's
worn off, and Bush needs a tough bitch who can brawl like Hillery.
Hillary Clinton
Hillery.
Senator
Hillery to you. We predicted she'd make mincemeat of Giuliangri.
Now we're predicting a run for the Oval Office. That's right, Office.
I
J
Jesse Jaxon. He was there for Clitton when The Big Guy needed some counseling about how to be a better husband. If there's any justice, this should be a banner year for Jesse. What do you think? Is there any justice?
Jim Jefffried. Let's see. He's the Republian Senator who remembered after all those months of campaigining, and all those millions of campaign dollars, and all those promises to the people who elected him... well, what was it he remembered exactly? He remembered that he'd always meant to register as a Democratic before the election, only he got so busy with his fundraising and all that he kind of forgot, and by then the only ethical thing left to do was go ahead and get elected and then change the whole power structure of the country by remembering his true political convictions when he got to Wishington. Makes sense. At least the media seem to think it makes all kinds of sense; they're pretty pleased with Jim boy.
K
Nicole Kidding. One of the new kind of female movie star, the really really pale freckly kind. After arriving in Hollywood from Austria, she married Tom Cool, thinking that would be a sure way to get him in bed. When that didn't work, she tried everything else she could think of, including co-starring with Tom in a movie called Eyes Tight Open, in which they played a married couple who have sex. When even that didn't give Tom any ideas about what to do at home when they weren't on camera, Nicole got fed up and sued for divorce. Chances are, it'll end happily. Someday, somewhere, someone will eventually want to have sex with Nicole. Because even if nobody in Hollywood wants to, there's always Bill Clitton. Or Jesse Jaxon.
L
Monica
Lewiski. She's not in the headlines every day, but she's kind of here
with us all the time, if you know what we mean. She'll be here until the
day, if it ever comes, when visitors to the Oval Office won't be thinking
of her when they see it for the first time.
.Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer
Lobez. Last year we couldn't quite place her face or voice and opined
that her career prospects depended on whether she had sufficient breasts
and attitude to prevail in the female role model sweepstakes. This year
the picture is getting clearer. With her gown choices at the various awards
ceremonies, "JLow" established to a virtual°
certainty that she has the breast issue covered (so to speak). And with
her unceremonious disposal of Puff Tubby Coins,
she has also demonstrated the amplitude of her attitude. Does anything
else matter?
Jennifer Lopez
M
Madamma.
Isn't she supposed to get married this year? Does this mean she has to
stop showing off every protuberance, crevice, and orifice of her body?
Won't she get bored?
Chris Matthews
Chris
Mathuse. The poor guy. He really misses Bill Clitton. It's as if all
the enjoyment has gone out of politics, which for Chris is synonymous with
life itself. Isn't there some way we can change the past, or reengineer
the Constitution, or just wish really hard with all our might to get Bill
back to center stage where he belongs? Chris would really appreciate it.
Timothy McVeigh
Timothy
McVeg. Fighting for your life is not an activity to be performed a
day late and a dollar short. But who cares anyway? One thing we don't need
any more of is murderous fools who think they can make the wurld better
by killing helpless innocents. You're finally upset about the FBI handling
of your case? Give us ten seconds to think it over.... four... three...
two... one... Oops. The other clock ran out first. You're history.
N
O
Bill
O'Really. Who is this guy? All of a sudden he shows up on cable, and
it turns out he's been mad as hell for years. If you look hard when he
gets going, you can actually see a little fleck of foam there at the corner
of his mouth. Really.
P
Colin
Pow. The retired general who never once got his uniform dirty,
or bloody, or anything disgusting like that. But he was cool, calm, and
collected in all those Pentagon meetings, which is why he never had time
to go outside for thirty years and is now paler than a Swede in winter.
You’d never guess he’s an Afrian-Amerian. Maybe that’s why the Republians
keep reminding us of it every twenty minutes or so--and whenever something
stupid and spineless comes out of his mouth, which only happens when he’s
talking about foreign policy. The Secretary of State doesn’t always
have to talk about foreign policy, does he? How about Affirmative Action?
He sounds very strong and snappy when he’s talking about Affirmative Action
and running down the Republians°.
Maybe he should do more of that... but, hmmm, maybe that’s not exactly
ideal either. Well, Chainy will figure something
out. He better.
Jack Quink. What's the point of being a good buddy of the Presdent if you can't cash in right at the end there, say, when there are few dubious pardons that need to be massaged through the Oval Office? Did you think we were going to say Oval Orifice? Well, we didn't. It has the wrong connotation. If we were going to say something off-color, we'd have said Oval Anus. Not as good a homophone, but a good bit more accurate we suspect. Think we'll be hearing from Quink in the future? Or has he shot his wad? So to speak.
R
Dan
Ratter. What a guy. Do you think anyone's ever going to catch on to
the fact that he plays favorites? Do you? We don't. We think he's almost
as slick as what's his name. You know, slicker than a possum soaked in
chitlin' grease and whatever the hell other cornpone similes hillbilly
sycophants think are cute.
Condoleeza Rice
Congoleum Rice. She's the new national security adviser. Since when did anybody outside Wishington, DC, ever care about this position? Does it have anything to do with the fact that she's this tall, reasonably good-looking Afrian-Amerian intellectual from Stanfurd University or someplace like that? Or does it have to do with something else? Like where did she get that first name? And is anybody anywhere ever going to have a word with all those hormone-crazed new mothers who make up unspellable unpronounceable names for their defenseless babies before the anesthetic wears off? Is that what Congoleum is here to do? After all, it could become a matter of national security someday, couldn't it? Like, if nobody in the war room knows how to pronounce the name of the general who has his finger on the nuclear trigger...? That wouldn't be too good, would it?
Denise Rich
Deniese
Rich. She divorced Richard Rich, and then
she worked tirelessly and selflessly to secure him a pardon. What else
could she have done? The poor little guy was far from home, helpless and
afraid, without even a country to call home--unless you count Swederland,
Isreal,
or whatever as countries. Besides, who else could have helped him but Deniese.
Sure there are lots of people who have money, but how many people have
absolutely gigantic boobs that they can wave around right in the face of
Bill Clitton?
Marc Rich
Richard
Rich. He seemed like such a nice boy. Maybe he had a little more money
than was good for him, but on his TV show it always seemed like he had
a good heart. That’s got to be why Clitton pardoned him—all those dreadful
stories about tax evasion, trading with the enemy and the like just couldn’t
be the truth about the Richard Rich we had all known and loved. No wonder
he ran away from home. Just a poor scared kid, trying to lay low until
all the misunderstandings could be cleared up. He’ll justify Clitton’s
confidence in his innocence. Somehow. You’ll see.
Geraldo Rivera
Jerraldo
Riviera. Is it just us, or does anybody else think Jerraldo seems a
bit lacklustre since he doesn't have a Presdent to defend anymore? It can't
be that he'll just fade away into the woodwork, can it? Well, maybe Ojay
will kill somebody else. Something. This boy needs a cause.
Hugh Rodham
Huge
Roddem. Huge is right. Unless you're talking about brains. Hillery's
disappointed in him. His ankles are still thinner than hers.
Julia Roberts
Julia
Rubbish. She won the Oskar!!!! She won the Oskar???? Oh, that's right.
Breasts and attitude. Special thanks to the wonderbra she wore in Erin
Brockelman and to the speechwriter who penned her scathing, pre-Oskar
denunciation
of George W. What next, we wonder: Julia as Lady McBeth? Probably not.
The McBeth part might not be much of a stretch, but the Lady part seems
problematical. Our prediction? With all the success she garnered with that
cleavage display in Brockelwurst or whatever it was called, we think
she's a cinch to do a big-time nude scene in an upcoming movie.
S
T
Undrea
Thompson. The new anchorman for the Turnip Cable News Network. The
people who carp about the fact that she hasn't always been a journalist
are out of step with the civility initiative. So she's an actor. What do
you think Mike Wallops is? Some guy
you never see researches a story about the latest corporate incarnation
of evil, and then Mike is wheeled in to ask the questions as if he had
tracked it all down himself. This isn't even as dishonest as that. Anchormen
read stuff off the teleprompter. The real question is why anybody would
call them journalists in the first place. If Undrea can read stuff off
the teleprompter while looking good and sounding sincere, she'll be as
much a TV journalist°
as Brian Millions or Peter
Jumpings. Good luck, and be careful out there, Undrea. Or was that
some other show?
U
V
W
Christie
Tubb-Woman. Former governor of New
Joisey and current head of the Environmental Protection Agency in the
Chainy administration. There’s nothing like running against idiots to prepare
a politician for high office. First, she ran against Bill
Broadley for the U.S. Senate and lost—probably because he was so much
above her, heightwise anyway, and who the hell was Christie Tubb-Woman?
It turned out she was the one who darned near unseated the most pompous
idiot in the Senate, and so she was obviously qualified to run against
the most hated governor in the history of New Joisey, an idiot named Tom
Florida who doubled everybody’s income taxes the week after he got elected.
Florida figured that four years is a pretty long time, especially for Democratics°,
and everybody would forget about the tax°
thing when reelection time came around in 1993. They probably would have,
too, except that Christie reminded everybody—every day for months—that
Florida had doubled their taxes and that she was going to cut them by 30
percent. It was a risky scheme, of course, because everybody knows it's
bad to cut taxes, but then again Florida was almost as pompous and patronizing
as Broadley, and the voters finally decided what the hey, why not give
a woman a chance to run things. As governor, Christie proved to have an
unexpected talent for dodging bullets that almost equalled her talent for
taking dumb positions and doing dumb things. For example, she kept her
promise to cut income taxes by 30 percent and thought nobody would notice
when her big education initiative—which consisted of doubling the state
education budget—doubled everybody’s property taxes. They did notice. And
they also noticed that New Joisey’s car insurance rates, already the highest
in the nation, were reaching the point where average people were spending
more on premiums than car payments. All this should have made it a snap
for the Democratics to boot Christie out of office in 1997, except that
the Dems renominated Tom Florida, who was promising to fix everything by
raising income taxes back up where they belonged. But Christie dodged
the bullet. She passed a bill to cut car insurance rates by ten cents a
year and leveraged this victory into a razor thin majority in the gubernatorial
election. During her second term, she managed to get herself photographed
frisking
a black suspect right before the police profiling scandal broke in the
mass media. She also vetoed a bill outlawing partial birth abortion, which
immediately silenced a lot of the murmurs that had been being murmured
about Tubb-Woman as a possible Republian vice presdential candidate in
the 2000 election. In fact, it looked as if Christie's political career
was pretty much a write-off until Dick Chainy
decided that a pro-choice white female governor of the most polluted state
in the nation would make an ideal choice for boss of the E.P.A. in a conservative
Republian administration.The Democratics in Congress started getting a
bullet ready for Christie in the confirmation hearings, but lost it somewhere
amid the hubbub attending the Ashcross nomination,
and so she escaped the long overdue coup de grace yet again. How long it
will take her to perpetrate a fatal gaffe on some environmental issue is
anybody’s guess, but the smart money is saying the time will be measured
in months rather than years.
X
Y
Z
- Go to What's New from Mother
Publishing
Go to Who's Who in a Different Wurld
Go to Who's Who in Ameria 2001
Go to Who's Who in Ameria 2000
Go to Has-Beens, Different Wurld
Go to Who's Who of Has-Beens 2001
Go to Who's Who of Has-Beens 2000
Go to Foreigners, Different Wurld
Go to Who's Who of Foreigners 2000-2001
Go to Who's Who in History
Go to Shuteye Nation, Different Wurld
Go to Shuteye Nation 2001.
Go to Shuteye Nation 2000
Go to Shuteye Nation Gazetteer.
Go to Foreign Gazetteer 2000-2001
Go to Amerian Glossary, Different Wurld
Go to the Y2001 Amerian Glossary
Go to the Y2000 Amerian Glossary
Go to Headlines 2001
Go to The Boomer Bible Home page.