B
Marlin
Bando. He was cool° when he weighed
168 pounds and sat in the back of that car on the waterfront with Rod Stagger.
He was sort of cool when he weighed 200 pounds and talked through the cotton
in his mouth about an offer they couldn't refuse. But he wasn't cool at
all on the Island of Dr. Morose, where he weighed 500 pounds and
looked like an ancient queen afflicted with alopecia totalis. It always
seemed like he was making a different movie from the one everyone else
was trying to make. Now it seems like he's just faking a movie that no
one should have tried to make in the first place. (See The Boomer Bible,
Book of Dave, Chapter 35.)
Kim Basinger
Kim Bashinger. She's been around for a long long time now. Wasn't she the one who kept marrying the dude from Maimi Vice? Or was that Melony Griffon? Either way, we're talking blonde, collagen out the ass, and inflatable boobs. Not quite enough to secure a lifetime membership in the Royal Shakespear Theatrical Company. Of course, there's always the chance that Congress will pass another law and we'll be treated to some great new films like James Bond Meets Olderpussy or Batface Vs. The Facelifter. But until then... Kim's a resident of Hasbeenland.
Al
Bore. You think you're mad about 911? Here's the guy who's mad. Just
when he was ready to come sailing back into the picture and lay some whup-ass
on George W, he gets stomped flat by a career-ending 500-ton weight that
fell on him out of a clear blue sky, so to speak. He's going to need more
than a beard and an extra hundred pounds of blubber to get over this one.
Maybe the Red Crost or the United Weigh will cut him a check out of all
the money they're not giving to the other victims.
David Boies
David Boys. Uh,
something to do with the election...? Uh, maybe it'll come to us later
on. If you're really curious, you could call Al Bore and ask him. He's
not doing anything. He'd probably like to talk to you. He might even invite
you over to his house and show you his chad collection.
C
Jimmy
Carper. The most ineffectual Presdent since J.
Herbert Hoover. Seldom has a job been so far over the head of someone
who never realized it. Carper still thinks he should be Presdent, and he
keeps struggling to lecture his way out of the has-been column, but it's
exactly where he belongs. His legacy is a grim multimedia collage of 13-percent
inflation,
gas-rationing lines, yellow ribbons, and wrecked helicopters in the desert,
backed by a mushmouthed sermon about 'malaise.' He was a self-righteous,
near-sighted little cracker of an executive, and throughout his tenure
in office the political° cartoonists
kept drawing him smaller and wrinklier, until by the height of the Iram
Hostage Crisis, he was just a raisin buried in a mighty pudding of poop.
The only thing big about him is his hatred of Ronald
Regan, but it's in the nature of raisins to envy grapes.
Linda Chavez
Linda
Chacha. She had a chance to be secretary of labor, but then
it turned out that she was running the underground railroad from Mehico
to Ameria , which might represent a conflict
of interest or something.
Bill Clinton
Bill
Clitton. Now that he finally has a legacy
other than Monica, he doesn't seem
to want it. Problem is, no matter how brilliant he is at explaining things
away, nobody can explain away what happened on September 11, 2001. So he
tried blaming it on--Guess who!--Ameria. It
could be he's just doing too much coke now that Hillery's
not around to cramp his style. But his is a style that could use some cramping.
Maybe if they moved back in together, he'd sober up enough to concoct a
fabulous new lie to salvage some scrap of his reputation, and maybe she
would reabsorb some of her forgotten political ABCs, such as the advisability
of attending a few of the untelevised funerals when 3,000 or so of your
constituents are pulverized in a terrorist attack. It probably won't happen.
They hate each other as much as they hate their enemies and their friends.
But the latter two should take note: this appears to be the long sought
Achilles heel of the Clittons; separate them from one another and they
will self destruct. Without her, he's just a despicable bum with a big
red nose. And without him, she's just a vicious bitch with a big fat ass.
Roger Clinton
Roger Clitton. Are we completely sure he's not related to Huge Roddem? No. But that would mean that Bill and Hillery are... well, you know. Yes. That's exactly what it would mean. Among other things.
Gary Condit
Gary Cundit. Everything was going so good. Headlines above the fold in every paper every day. News reports in the top half of every TV news show (except for Dan Ratter's, of course). And then the whole wurld caved in. Nobody cared anymore. You know, life sucks.
D
Michael
Dukaka. He ran for Presdent against George
The Elder Bush. He got elected Presdent of Machusetts.
What happened? People believed Bush's promise to turn himself into Ronald
Regan. People didn't believe Dukaka's promise to turn himself into
something more than the New Englan edition of Jimmy
Carper.
E
Billy Joe Ell. He's a 50-year old punk kid from Brookling, Newyork, who wishes we were still back in the fifties. Okay. We got it. You can go now.
F
Gerald
Forge. He spent his brief Presdency tripping over things, most memorably
his pardon of Richard Nixxon, which
cost him his job in a humiliating loss to Jimmy
Carper. However, no one could have been better prepared for humiliation
than Forge, who spent many years in Congress°
as a leader of the permanent Republian°
minority, during which time he and his fellow conservatives°
persuaded the Democratics° to keep
the top marginal tax° rate from rising
above 90 percent. Forge was less successful at heading off Lindon
Johnston's Great Society, including Medicare, Medicaid, and a flood
of new entitlement programs° whose
spending levels were not subject to congressional control. These days,
Forge yearns for the good old days, when politics°
was less nasty and personal° and
when a bi-partisan° Congress
worked in collegial cordiality to create the most expensive welfare state
in the history° of government.
G
William Ginsu. Monica Lewiski's first lawyer°. Transformed instantly by her case into a TV lawyer°, he discovered a hitherto concealed passion for playing the clown in front of the cameras. Kennel Star was not amused, however, and waited for Monica to shelve Ginsu in favor of a straight man cut from Wishington's preferred pinstriped cloth. The nation got a few laughs out of the deal, to be sure, but they paid for those laughs with a year of delay in which the mass media° and administration spinners° managed to turn perjury into privacy, obstruction of justice into due process, and sex into tedium. These days, Ginsu waits in splendid solitude for other notables in the empeachment° drama to join him in the has-beens column. He won't be alone for long. Now that the 2000 Presdential election is history°, he can spend the rest of his days partying with the other scandal has-beens, no doubt with Monica heading a very long guest list.
John Goddi. One of the real godfathers
of organized crime. He screwed up by starting to believe he was Marlin
Bando. This meant that it was okay to be all over the mass media°,
hanging out with celebrities°
and laughing about how the law° couldn't
touch him. But it's never a good idea to make prosecutors°
mad. Especially when the prosecutor is named Giuliangri.
So the Newyork district attorney's office put a microphone in the room
where Goddi went to brag about all his murders, and they taped him for
years, waiting for him to slip up and admit that he'd committed one of
those murders with a gun°. Eventually
he did. Then Giuliangri offered immunity to everybody else in Goddi's crime
family to testify against him. Goddi's lawyer argued that you couldn't
believe all those people because they were criminals, which convinced some
of the jurors in some of the trials, but finally one of the juries realized
that Goddi was a criminal too and sent him away for a long long time. Everybody
else lived happily ever after, just like in the movies.
Melanie Griffith
Melony Griffon.She's been around
for a long long time now. Wasn't she the one who kept marrying the dude
from Maimi Vice? Or was that Kim Bashinger?
Either way, we're talking blonde, collagen out the ass, and inflatable
boobs. And, needless to say, the years are passing. Boing. Boooing. Boooooing.
Booooooooooing
H
Kathryn
Harries.She took the heat in Florda for Bush, and it didn't even melt
her makeup.So where's the cabinet post? Maybe later. After all the I
Banilla Ice. It's a shame. A poor white boy raises himself by own bootstraps, steals a song fair and square from David Body, makes a bunch of money pretending to be a white Afrian-Amerian°, and then gets dismissed to Palookaville for pretending to be a white Afrian-Amerian. Maybe it doesn't quite add up, but who in this story knows how to add anyway?
J
K
Rodley King. The ultimate fifteen minutes of fame. You're a bum, you run from the police°, you get caught, you're black, and you get beaten. And beaten. And beaten. And beaten. The cops are out of control. But so are the bums. It's a wonder they can't all get along better. You know. Have a few dozen beers, do some crack and some hookers, and reach an understanding. Until that day comes, though, Rodley's on the shelf.
L
Monica
Lewiski. Maybe she's more important than ever--what with our sudden
discovery of the biggest issue the Presdent wasn't paying attention to
while he was playing with, and then squirming away from, this little minx--but
now the smell of scandal has acquired a flavor of the past. She's no longer
the biggest outrage on the plate. In fact, Clitton himself has even tried
to accept her as his legacy. Why? Because
it's preferable to his real legacy.
How's that for a Hobson's choice? Have fun, Monica. Has-been-land is paradise
compared to where you've been.
M
Charlie Munson. Yeah, it's true that Marilyn Munson is making a bunch of money with a borrowed chunk of Charlie's identity, but so what? If you've been in prison for thirty years or so, you're a has-been. Especially if your only accomplishment in life is proving that you can manipulate a bunch of drugged females° to do your bidding, even to the point of savage mass murder. It takes a special kind of youngster to covet the surname of such a nonentity, and it takes (apparently) a pretty average sort of youngster to look up to the coveter as a role model°. Now—everybody take a deep breath and tell us exactly why it is that Ameria is still on the right track.
.
N
O
P
Q
R
Ronald
Regan. An Amerian Dream, glimmering away. He really believed all that
rhetoric about making Ameria great again, and he made a lot of other people
believe it, too. What's more, he actually tried. He cut taxes°.
He stood up proudly against an enemy everybody had been too afraid to talk
about in anything higher than a whisper for years. He took a bullet and
lied through his clenched teeth about how slightly injured he was. For
this he was treated with continuous, sneering contempt by all the people
who believed in the good° things, and
when he left office eight years later, the last chance for Ameria had expired
invisibly and completely. What had he accomplished? The government and
the federal budget° had grown in
every year of his administration—inexorably, ineluctably, inhumanly. The
good people smiled and are smiling still, trying hard not to laugh out
loud at the ignominy of his failing, emptying light. But when he passes
into history° at last, it is our
light which will be buried in the past. (See The Boomer Bible, Book
of Rationalizations, Chapters 21-29.)
Hugh Rodham
Huge
Roddem. When Hillery's disappointed in you, you better go hide. Has-Been-Land
is as good a place as any.
Diana Ross
Diana Rost. First, Michael Janet tried to turn himself into Diana Rost by plastic surgery. Then Diana Rost tried to turn herself back into Diana Rost by plastic surgery. Now she thinks she's done a good enough job to be the Supreems again. Does this mean Michael Janet's going to resurrect the Janet Five again? Let's hope not.
S
Norman
Schwartzkop. Old generals never die. They just retire on a big pension
and play golf at every military base in the country. Or at least that's
what some of them do. Norman can do that too if he wants. He's earned it.
Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteer. Not much of a market left for rock songs about fighting to survive and overcome the woes of life. Unless you can do an Elder John on one of your biggest hits and score a platinum record with "Born to Run Away," you're finished, Bruce. Sorry.
Gloria Steinem
Gloria Steinman. When you're the best-looking intellectual° feminist°, you've got a tough row to hoe. What happens when you get old? Well, if you're Gloria, you just get sour and rigid and arid and dull. There comes a time in the life of every woman—usually age 11 or 12—when it's too late to develop a sense of humor. That's the breaks, slim. Here's looking away from you, kid.
T
Elizabeth Tailor. How many husbands and surgeries can one woman have? Elizabeth has had that many and then some. Even the tabloids are finally tired of her.
U
V
W
Floyd Walsh. The non-partisan° independent counsel° who tried to pin the Iram-Contra Scandal° on two presdents over seven years. These days, he has returned to his former avocation as a bitter, sanctimonious old man.
X
Y
Z
Zeezer
& Zithead. They had a great run on MT Video, but then they kind
of faded, because the new kids couldn't keep up with the, uh°,
plots on their show? So they got cancelled, which makes them has-beens.
Cool°. (See "Zeezer & Zithead"
on MT Video at Schoolz Station, Shuteye Town 1999.)
Go to What's New from Mother
Publishing
Go to Who's Who in Ameria 2001
Go to Who's Who in Ameria 2000
Go to Who's Who of Has-Beens
2001
Go to Who's Who of Has-Beens 2000
Go to Who's Who of Foreigners
2000-2001
Go to Who's Who in History
Go to Shuteye Nation 2001.
Go to Shuteye Nation 2000
Go to Shuteye Nation Gazetteer.
Go to Foreign Gazetteer 2000-2001
Go to the Y2001 Amerian Glossary
Go to the Y2000 Amerian Glossary
Go to Headlines 2001
Go to The Boomer Bible Home page.