Abortion. 1) Obsolete The disposal of a collection of cells in the uterus which might otherwise grow to become an embarrassment, inconvenience and/or serious time and resource drain to the owner of the uterus in question. 2) Shhhhh, it's private.
Alternative Rock. A form of audio entertainment that became popular in the 1990s as an alternative to rock-and-roll (too male), music (too artful), and rap (too comprehensible).
Amerian Citizen. See Citizen.
Anger. See Violence.
Anti-Choice. The state or condition of being unwilling to accept the Constitutional right of the superior sex to purchase an abortion at any stage of pregnancy prior to the natural emergence of the head from the vagina.
Babe. White male slang for the Afrian-Amerian term 'ho.'
Baby. The most darling, precious, perfect, adorable little gift of joy that a woman could ever receive, because after starting out as nothing at all in the womb, they grow up to become wonderful Amerian children..
Bad. Anything included on the list of bad things, which is compiled and revised on a continuous basis by members of the mass media who have a feel for such things. FOR EXAMPLE: Anger, violence, men, partisan politics, corporate profits, drugs, guns, tobacco, hate, discrimination, special interests, school shootings, pornography, et al.
Bimbo. See Slut.
Bitch. 1) A powerful, talented, assertive, brilliant woman. 2) Afrian-Amerian A female owned by the person speaking, as in "she's my bitch." 3) Afrian-Amerian A male lacking in courage, strength, loyalty, brains, presence, and/or independence, as in "he's my bitch." 4) female slang You know. A bitch.
Born-Again Christian. 1) Anti-Choice
who want to turn the clock back by a minimum of 100 years.2)
An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following
entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The
*Paganism may be distinguished from a religion or system of spiritual belief by its insistence on defining morality in terms of affiliation; that is, as an “us” (saved) against “them” (damned) proposition, thus dispensing with potentially troubling considerations of conduct, responsibility, duty, altruism, thoughtfulness, humility, justice, and tolerance.
Campaign Finance Scandal. This is the most mysterious of the Clitton scandals because Janet Rambo finally remembered not to name an independent counsel to look into it. According to unnamed sources, Clitton and his political advisers rounded up all the Democratics in the country, locked them in the Lincon bedroom, and wouldn't let them out until they had made a substantial contribution to a Buddist temple that wanted to pay for Al Bore's 1996 Vice-Presdential campaign. Then they canvassed the leaders of all the enemy states around the wurld and asked them if they would like some military secrets in exchange for cash on the barrel head, and please make out your checks to the Democratic Party. As it turned out, Jang Zemang of The People's Republic of Chyna sent a very nice check. Despite Rambo's opinion that none of this represented any cause for concern, the Republians conducted a long series of hearings about it in the Congress, but without a stained dress or a soggy cigar, the mass media couldn't justify the expense of covering the hearings, and so nobody knows what happened there, if anything.
Celebrity. See Role Model.
Celebrity Law. See Legal Entertainment.
Character (2). The condition, usually temporary, of possessing sufficient good sense to be sexually faithful to one's wife.
Children. See Kids.
Christian. 1) Any person who claims to be such, including members of formally organized Christian denominations, independent zealots, and Born-Again Christians. 2) rare A practitioner of Christianity.
Christianity. 1) The religion responsible
for the rise of imperialism and Eurocentric
wurldviews, as well as the annihilation of the native peoples in North,
Central, and South Ameria. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition
is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal
columnist known as The Gadfly:
Civility. A style of politics in which Republians act nice and talk nice to Democratics, who return the favor by continuing the nonpartisan politics they have always been famous for without engaging in any more spin than is absolutely required to save the country from the genocidal policies of the illegitimate moron who stole the 2000 election.
Civil Rights. 1) Obsolete: The rights attaching to an Amerian citizen under the Constitution. 2) The rights attaching to any group able to articulate a claim of present or past oppression by Amerian citizens outside the group. Said rights include the right to be provided for in a state of absolute economic equality, as well as the right to be loved, admired, and ostentatiously flattered by all other groups and individuals, with the absence of any of these behaviors to be taken as ipso facto proof of hate or unacceptable ‘phobic’ feelings. 3) The legal mechanism by which the archaic Fifth Amendment to the Constitution (barring double jeopardy) is being repealed. See Hate Crime.
College. 1) Obsolete: An institution organized for the purpose of providing young adults with a foundation of knowledge, learning, interests, and intellectual skills sufficient to prepare them for the mental, emotional, and moral challenges of life. 2) See University.
Compassion. The condition of feeling or communicating concern about the problems and misfortunes of others. See Niceness.
Compromise. The art of passing legislation without having to think anything through.
Conservative. A person whose political views favor racist, sexist, anti-choice, anti-Social Security, and anti-gun-control policies, as well as tax cuts and draconian slashes (i.e., minuscule reductions in constant dollar terms) in the federal budget, particularly in those programs that offer no benefit to people who pay taxes. See Conservatism.
Conservatism. See Right Wing Conspiracy.
Conspiracy. Any organized attempt to accomplish a bad thing.
Constitution. A symbolic document, written in the form of a contract between the federal government and the Amerian people, enshrining the individual's right to privacy and the government's right to promulgate good on behalf of individuals, as well as a lot of amusing but obsolete anti-government rhetoric.
Constitutional. Deemed legal by the Supreme Court based on: a. wording contained in the Constitution; b. wording that should have been contained in the Constitution; or c. wording that should not have been contained in the Constitution and can therefore be ignored.
Contract. A piece of paper written by a lawyer and therefore to be trusted as meaningless and unenforceable.
Cool. 1) It's like, you
know, cool. SYNONYMS: See Phat. 2) An interesting
but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry
penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
Deadbeat Dads. See Fatherhood.
Decent. Not indecent.
Decision. The outcome of a deliberative process involving demands, accusations, charges, countercharges, lies, and (eventually) compromise.
Democracy. 1) The political
process by which the will of the people—i.e., their feelings,
as expressed through polls—achieves the ideals
of freedom, equality, justice,
and love by means of bi-partisan
2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
Dis. Afrian-Amerian slang for "disrespect"; i.e., failing to show admiration for those who demand it.
Discrimination.1) Obsolete: The act of drawing a distinction based on experience and the exercise of judgment. 2) The act (principally by a white male) of drawing a distinction in matters of race, sex, or religion based on experience and the exercise of judgment. See Bad.
Disloyalty. The opposite of loyalty.
Diva. An old ho.
Divisive. The meaning is dictated by pronunciation. When the first and last i's are short and the middle i is long, the word describes acts or conditions which are likely to result in rifts between individuals or groups. When all three i's are short (as mispronounced by intellectual politicians and pundits), the word describes the latest Republian political action, initiative, or campaign.
Doctor. See Physician.
Double Jeopardy. The practice, usually employed in matters of celebrity law, of trying an acquitted defendant a second time after his not guilty verdict has been disapproved by polls; the second trial is customarily a civil suit or a federal charge of violating the victim's Civil Rights under the Constitution.
Drugs. 1) Medications prescribed by physicians (legal) to help people overcome pain, depression, agitation, disease, and other physical and mental illnesses. See Good. 2) Medications self-prescribed by individuals (illegal) to help them overcome pain, depression, agitation, and other physical and mental illnesses. See Bad.
Dude. A male, but dumber.
Education. A form of government-sponsored daycare in which teachers prepare children and young adults for jobs by exposing them to trace amounts of academic instruction in such subjects as Pre-Reading, Creative Spelling, Number and Shape Appreciation, Third Wurld Social Studies, Loving the Environment, Safe Sex, Logging on to the UnderNet, and Lists of Answers to the Multiple-Choice Questions on the SATs.
Egalitarian. Full of equality.
Epidemic. 1) Obsolete A level of contagious disease outbreak at which each case generates one or more new cases of the disease, thus resulting in an exponentially increasing state of contagion. 2) A rate of occurrence for a bad thing that exceeds acceptable levels; i.e., a rate above zero.
Equality. The ideal of making everybody the same, from sea to shining sea.
Evidence. Physical or circumstantial facts—authenticated by police testimony and other credible sources—used to prove the guilt or innocence of a defendant charged in a legal proceeding.
Evil. See Obscenity.
Executive Branch. The branch of government run by special interests who are to determined to flout the will of the Amerian people by promoting bad things and obstructing the few good things that somehow sneak through Congress.
Executive Order. 1) The last-ditch efforts of an outgoing Presdent
to enact a bunch of good things without having to bother with Congress,
the budget, or other bureaucratic restraints; he
simply orders the Treasury Department to write
a check and tells the payee how he wants the money spent. Cool.
2) The first official acts of a new Presdent determined to prevent his
predecessor from serving the will of the people; he simply tears up all
the executive orders he finds lying on his desk in the Oval Office (under
the stack of skin-mags).
Family Values. A strain of highly emotional oratory which purports to express the profound importance of the societal sub-unit created by the sharing of an address, a last name, a distinct set of genes, or a bed. Theoretically, or at least rhetorically, such sub-units are instrumental in the development of good citizens and maintenance of the self-esteem which belongs to said good citizens by right of birth. For this reason, family values are held to be sacrosanct from interference by outsiders, excepting duly authorized local, state, and federal government agencies and their allied social service and law enforcement organizations.
Fatherhood. The state of being a male parent; i.e., a probable perpetrator of child abuse, incest, desertion, and financial non-support.
Federal Prosecutor. A lawyer
who works for the Justice Department
in order to acquire experience in exacting justice
via the skilled use of police testimony.
See also Prosecutor.
Feelings. The most egalitarian of all human forms of expression and therefore the only one which matters in a democratic society.
Feminism. A political movement organized for the purpose of obtaining superior status for the superior sex, including equal pay for lesser work, superior privileges under (or over) the law, and legislative vengeance for a long list of grudges, grievances, slights, and fancied slights nursed by women since the beginning of recorded history. Unfortunately for feminists, such goals are inconsistent with Democracy. Ultimately, to their dismay, they may have to settle for equality.
Fetus. 1) A collection of genetic material stored in the uterus and bearing a strong but spurious resemblance to a small baby. 2) [Legal] In the event of injury or death caused by a person other than the owner of the uterus in which it is stored, a baby.
Former Federal Prosecutor. A TV lawyer.
Freedom. 1) Obsolete: The right of an individual to think for himself, express himself as he will, and to make his own decisions in all matters, provided he does no injury to another. 2) the right of an individual or group to demand that the government limit the freedoms of others who have done, may do, or are of a mind to do injury to the physical persons, economic prospects, or feelings of the one(s) making the demand.
Gay. 1) Obsolete: The state of being spontaneously joyful and carefree. 2) The state of being homosexual. 3) Claimant to the right to be loved lavishly and uncritically by heterosexuals. See also Lesbian.
Gender.1) Obsolete: Grammatical term denoting the distinctions which may be made, sometimes arbitrarily, among three types of nouns and pronouns—masculine, feminine, and neuter. 2) The principal attribute of a human being in determining whether any given individual is genetically disposed to the good (female) or to the bad (male).
Gentlemen. 1) Obsolete: Men possessed of refined tastes, exquisite manners, and a full complement of Christian virtues. 2) A sign appearing on the doors of restrooms used by males in expensive restaurants.
Global Warning. The up-and-coming favorite apocalypse of scientists since the likelihood of all-out nuclear war experienced such a setback c.1990. The idea of this one is that we're all going to perish eventually unless the White House passes a bunch of laws against the Green House. It has something to do with temperature. Also with driving cars, which is bad and we shouldn't do it. That's why you never see a scientist driving a car.
Good. Anything included on the list of good things, which is compiled and revised on a continuous basis by members of the mass media who have a feeling for that sort of thing. FOR EXAMPLE: Kids, feelings, women, choice, privacy, love, prescription drugs, bi-partisan politics, lying about sex, computer literacy, teachers, justice, family values, gun control, rights groups, female sexuality, et al.
Hate. Any negative emotion, from mild irritation to homicidal fury, displayed or expressed toward a member of a racial, ethnic, sexual, or religious minority or a member of the superior sex.
Hate Crime. Any crime of violence for which the victim and his allies desire to try the accused for what he thinks as well as what he did.
Hate Speech. 1) Use of the N-Word, in any context, by anyone other than an Afrian-Amerian. 2) Any speech which expresses a negative emotion, from mild irritation to homicidal fury, toward a racial or ethnic minority or the majority gender.
Health. 1) One of the more recently discovered Amerian rights; i.e., the right to be protected by the government from all illnesses, as well as the costs of being healed of such illnesses. 2) Along with Safety, The second article of post-Christian religion.
Heterosexual. An old-fashioned exclusive sexual preference—probably Eurocentric in origin—for members of the opposite sex. The condition is often accompanied by a propensity toward the disease of homophobia.
Historian. A member of the mass media responsible for exporting the present to the past and publicizing the lessons he has learned by pretending to have done the opposite.
History. A story—made up by an historian—in which present-day characters act out a present-day plot involving events of the past.
Ideal. See Principle.
Illegal. 1) Having to do with lawyers, the law, and the police—local, state or federal. 2) A state of affairs in which a non-celebrity defendant has some chance of being found guilty unless he can afford an excellent lawyer AND the prosecutor is not running for reelection, bucking for a promotion, or politically compromised with respect to offering a plea bargain. 3) Not formalized by a piece of paper drawn up by a lawyer for the purpose of providing potentially necessary evidence to the appropriate authorities. 4) Not subject to tax. 5) Not obedient to the laws of the land; i.e., not all of them or not all the time. 6) SYNONYM for Unlawful.
Individual Rights. The right of any individual to seek membership in a rights group represented by a lobbyist powerful enough to procure money and privilege for that group from the federal government.
Intellectual. 1) Obsolete: A person who pursues learning, ideas, and the arts for the purpose of obtaining understanding and enlightenment. 2) See Pseudo-Intellectual.
Iram-Contra Scandal. A fairly puny attempt by the Regan-Bush administration to compete with the Watergape Scandal. Sometime back in the awful 80s, the Republians in the Regan administration wanted to get back some hostages they had left with some terrorists in Iram by mistake. Although they told the Amerian people they wouldn't bargain with terrorists, they were lying, like every administration that tells the Amerian people it won't bargain with terrorists. In order to prevent the Amerian people from discovering the lie, they decided to use illegal arms as a bargaining chip, because nobody can ever figure out what's going on when illegal arms are involved. According to unnamed sources, the Regan-Bush administration agreed to sell the illegal arms to the terrorists, which convinced the terrorists to give back the hostages, and then the administration gave the money they got from the terrorists to some other, friendlier terrorists in Central Ameria who were trying to overthrow their government and couldn't get any money from the U.S. Congress to help them do it. When the Democratics in Congress started getting suspicious, they subpoenaed the weird guy who worked in the White House basement (Oliver Nuke) and asked him what was going on. Nuke said he didn't have any idea what was going on, which was a lie. The telling of a lie so outraged the Democratics that they insisted on an independent counsel to investigate the matter. The independent counsel, whose name was Floyd Walsh, investigated the matter so thoroughly that it took him seven years and $30 million to arrive at the conclusion that Presdent Regan was senile and couldn't ever surpass the calumny of Watergape. Then Oliver Nuke testified in Congress again and admitted he'd been lying, although he claimed that it was okay to lie about matters involving foreign policy and national security, because everybody always lies about foreign policy and national security. When he put it that way, the Amerian people fell in love with Oliver Nuke and gave him very high approval ratings in the polls. At this point Walsh quit in disgust without bothering to convict anybody, although he did write a very very stern report about the whole thing.
Jobs. 1) Adult daycare, the preparation for which is the sole purpose of Education, to the extent consistent with the maintenance of childhood self-esteem. 2) Along with Prosperity, the third article of Post-Christian religion.
Journalist. 1) Obsolete. Practitioner
of journalism, a.k.a. The Second Oldest Profession;
i.e., a repeater of malicious gossip, above nothing and below everything
in the human social scale. 2) A member of the mass
media responsible for divining what the truth is and digging up all
the facts necessary to prove it to a TV or newspaper audience. 3)
An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following
entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The
Kids. 1) Our wonderful, beautiful, perfect Amerian children. 2) The first article of post-Christian religion.
Ladies. 1) Obsolete: Women possessed of refined tastes, exquisite manners, and a full complement of Christian virtues. 2) A sign appearing on the doors of restrooms used by females in expensive restaurants.
Law. An enormous pile of books containing very specific, very carefully chosen words describing what is legal and what is illegal, thus providing a platform for lawyers to argue that whatever the words mean, they're just not clear enough to justify a decision against their client(s) in this particular case. See also Legislation.
Lawyers. Brilliant men and women of high principle and integrity, who work devotedly for justice on behalf of the Amerian people and/or their clients by translating the law into a meaningless pile of empty bullshit. See also TV lawyers.
Leader. Someone who displays, exercises, or occupies a position of leadership.
Legal. 1) Having to do with lawyers and the law. 2) Rare A state of affairs in which a non-celebrity defendant has some chance of being found not guilty unless he can't afford a good lawyer OR the prosecutor is running for reelection, bucking for a promotion, or being politically pressured to coerce a plea bargain. 3) Formalized by a piece of paper (e.g., a contract) which generally requires the assistance of lawyers to create and always requires the assistance of lawyers to dissolve. 4) Subject to tax. 5) Obedient to the laws of the land; i.e., all of them, all the time. 6) SYNONYM for Lawful.
Legal Entertainment. A process resembling litigation in which a celebrity or police officer accompanied by expensive TV lawyers is tried in the mass media and negotiates a verdict and/or sentence with the court based on polls and the projected TV ratings for an appeal or double jeopardy trial.
Legislative Branch. The branch of government responsible for nothing but intensely involved in everything. At the federal level of the United States of Ameria it consists of the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the lobbyists who write the bills and orchestrate congressional voting records.
Lesbian. Gay but not witty, amusing, or well dressed.
Lewiski Scandal. Presdent Clitton's best and most entertaining scandal. According to unnamed sources, the real story is far more interesting than what has been revealed to average Amerians. The whole affair originated as a high-minded contingency plan to spare the nation the trauma of a prolonged and ugly empeachment trial. Concerned that the mass media might slip up eventually and become interested in the Campaign Finance scandal, the Presdent decided that it might be a good idea to create a diversion. After months of planning with his closest advisers, he implemented a scheme to have an adulterous affair, inside the Oval Office, with a White House intern who was young enough to be his daughter. A careful search for a volunteer resulted in the choice of Monica Lewiski, the daughter of loyal Democratic contributors who lived in Beverly Hills and were therefore grateful for the honor being accorded them. The intention was to leak the story through a cooperative government functionary named Linda Trikk if it ever seemed that Campaign Finance was turning into a problem—say, a congressional recommendation that the Presdent be empeached for high treason or something like that. The resulting sex scandal would then push the dreary details of Democratic fund-raising right off the front pages until the dangerous moment had passed. Unfortunately, the scheme backfired when the vast right wing conspiracy (whose right hand didn't know what its right hand was doing) managed to drag the Lewiski affair into the Paula Janes lawsuit, which resulted in a certain amount of unavoidable perjury and other problems. Still, the White House was prepared to defuse the story when it broke prematurely in the mass media. The contingency plan called for an absolute denial by the Presdent and a few well chosen audiotapes of Lewiski discussing her slutty past with Trikk, except that the little blue dress spoiled everything. The Presdent had already issued his famous finger-wagging denial when Trikk sounded the alarm that Lewiski's mother, anxious for a souvenir from her daughter's secret patriotic mission, had asked for and received an item of clothing autgraphed with the Presdent's genetic signature. If the planned media annihilation of Lewiski went forward, Trikk warned, Lewiski would produce the dress. Subsequent events played out in the mass media and are well known. Sadly, the nation may never know of Trikk's valor in falling on the sword for her Commander-in-Chief, but those who seek to learn the identity of the benefactor who paid for her plastic surgeries need look no farther than... well, need we say more?
Liberal. Despite unflagging attempts by the vast right wing conspiracy to make this a dirty word, it isn't. It stands for all the wonderful Amerian people who want everyone and everything to be nice (i.e., Good). A large subset of these people also know exactly which new laws and government programs are needed to make everything nice, and they're working hard to make it happen. People who know about such matters are convinced that liberals are the greatest of idealists, because they continue to believe in and work for the ideal of niceness, even though they know that most average Amerians are crude, ignorant, racist, selfish, violent animals.
Lie. An untruth, except as employed under certain well defined circumstances in politics. See Spin.
Like. 1) Uh, it's, like,
2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the
following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known
as The Gadfly:
Love. 1) noun The ultimate objective of democracy, to be achieved by Civil Rights and gun control legislation, vigorous prosecution of hate crime, and the suppression of all forms of obscenity. 2) verb To commit an act of love.
Loyalty. The state of being a determined and obedient advocate for one's political party and its leadership; it is considered the ultimate political virtue and therefore justifies every seeming lapse of integrity except engagement in Partisan Politics.
Marriage. A temporary legal truce between two people, usually a male and a female, before the onset of a furious litigation process designed to produce hatred, bitterness, and breathtaking lawyers' fees.
Mass Media. The collective organ of communication—including television, radio, newspapers, magazines, books, and movies—responsible for informing the Amerian people about what their feelings should be when the pollsters call.
Medication. See Drugs.
The Military. The U.S. Armed Forces, including the Army, Air
Force, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard. They are responsible for producing
at least one ludicrous and tragic mishap per week in order to drive home
the sorry state of the nation's defences and therefore drive up the Presdent's
MLB. Abbreviation for Major League Baseball, an economic institution responsible for 20 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S., including the St. Lewis Carnals, the Alanta Injuns, the Newyork Yankeys, the Texus Ringers, the Philaidelphia Phollies, the Chigago White Sux, et al.
Motherhood. 1) The distinctive
biological capability to bear children
which demonstrates the superiority of the female
sex and thus gave rise to the constitutional
right of privacy. 2) The state of being a female
and all the rights and privileges appertaining thereto.
NASDAQ. Revised Definition! 1) Obsolete since sometime in 2000 Abbreviation for the term "tech-heavy NASDAQ," which is the stock exchange listing UnderNet companies whose equity has grown exponentially because they earn no profits and therefore experience none of the burdensome costs associated with the payment of income tax and dividends to shareholders. 2) Abbreviation for the term "tech-heavy NASDAQ," which is the stock exchange listing UnderNet companies whose equity has plummeted catastrophically because they earn no profits and therefore pay no dividends to shareholders.
NBA. Abbreviation for the National Basketball Association, an economic institution responsible for 40 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S. and Canadia, including the Newyork Kinks, the Bostun Celfics, the San Atonio Spurts, the Torono Rappers, the Philaidelphia Sexers, the Huston Rockers, the Los Analos Leakers, the Chigago Bullies, et al.
NEA. Abbreviation for the National Education Association, a coalition of teachers who work tirelessly for the improvement of education and the protection of teachers from assaults on their self-esteem, including assessments of their competence and job performance, merit-based compensation, and competition from private (i.e., non-union) schools.
NFL. Abbreviation for the National Football League, an economic institution responsible for 30 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S., including the Dallus Killboys, the Clevelin Blacks (sometimes), the Tennessucky Titantics, the Dunver Buncos, the Oklahoma Raiderz, the St. Lewis Rumps, the Chigago Beers, the Wishington Native Amerians, et al.
Niceness. See Liberal.
Non-Partisan Politics. 1) Obsolete: Doing what is right, without regard to the positions or preferences of political parties. 2) The spin employed by Democratics in support of their political objectives.
NRA. Abbreviation for the National Semi-Automatic Rifle Association, which is a special interest acting on behalf of racist, sexist white men who want to overthrow the government by promulgating school shootings, Post Office massacres, and inner-city gang violence.
N-Word. 1) An unspeakable, unprintable, utterly unusable obscenity of a hate speech term for an unwelcome member of a certain racial minority. 2) Afrian-Amerian An epithet or term of greeting, ranging from amicable to provocative, meaning (loosely) a black person.
NYSE. Abbreviation for the Newyork Stock Exchange,
the institution that manages the trading of stocks in those old-fashioned
companies who seek to attract shareholders by earning profits.
Obscenity. Anything which arouses unwelcome feelings of disgust and intolerance in people inclined toward good. FOR EXAMPLE: obscene sex acts (see Pornography), obscene violence, obscene prejudice, obscene profits, obscene tobacco lobbies, et al.
Obstruction of Justice. Committing illegal acts such as bribery, intimidation, extortion, blackmail, destruction of evidence, and subornation of perjury in order to prevent law enforcement agencies or officers of the court from discovering the truth during any investigation or trial proceeding not concerned with sex or sexual conduct.
Pandering. Doing or saying whatever the
polls report the Amerian people want you to
do or say.
Pardongate. [Definition to come]
Party. A formal alliance among people who share essentially the same positions on political issues; the alliance commands loyalty from its members and acts in concert to elect candidates to office, pass legislation favorable to its members, defeat legislation unfavorable to its members, and destroy the careers of opponents and mavericks.
Personal. 1) Obsolete: Information that no one may politely seek about a friend, acquaintance or professional contact without express permission; i.e., information for which the only value to the seeker is satisfaction of curiosity. 2) Universal descriptor for any unsavory action or information which a person in public life (e.g., a politician) prefers to keep secret, especially information relating to amorous adventures, sexual proclivities and experience, drug and alcohol abuse, and criminal conduct; 3) universal descriptor for information a person other than a politician might prefer to withhold from insurance companies, banks, government agencies, legal institutions, or healthcare providers but cannot without incurring grave legal or financial consequences.
Personality. Whatever it is, apart from character, that makes a person likeable; e.g., a nice smile, sex appeal, good looks, or an ability to sound sincere about being in favor of what the polls say the people want.
Phat. Afrian-Amerian slang for 'cool.'
Physician. See Whore.
Plea Bargain. A form of justice in which a non-celebrity defendant pleads guilty to a crime only slightly more serious than the one he committed (or didn't) in order to avoid receiving a verdict of guilty for the far more serious crime the prosecutor is charging him with, based on the available evidence.
Police. 1) Paid guardians of public safety
and the law. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate
definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station
Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
Political Correctness. A system of language conventions designed to effect the appearance of love by concealing the existence of negative human feelings such as dislike, disdain, disgust, contempt, pity, revulsion, bitterness, and scorn.
Polls. Various mechanisms for determining the will of 260 million Amerians by calling a few hundred Amerians on the phone and asking them a number of leading questions about matters that have been splashed all over the mass media for a few days or more.
Prejudice. See Discrimination.
Prescription Drugs. See Medication.
Prig. See Hypocrite.
Principle. 1) Any political point made by someone reputed or claiming to be a principled person. 2) Any prepositional phrase following the word “principle” and beginning with the word “of”: e.g., principle of fairness, principle of equality, principle of justice, etc.
Principled. Any person who does not not engage in unprincipled conduct.
Privacy: The Constitutionalprinciple that a woman’s uterus is a private place, uniquely distinguished from every other place and person in the nation by not being subject to search and seizure or any other form of government intrusion, surveillance, or control.
Private. 1) Obsolete: Nobody else’s business, period. 2) Inside the body of a woman; i.e., within the uterus, thereby commanding privacy. (Note: the word is commonly misused as a synonym for “personal,” which—unlike “private”—retains a broad though diminishing denotation.)
Profession. 1) Obsolete: A category of service—i.e., law, medicine, education, ministry—whose practitioners must: have an avocation to their field; acquire advanced or graduate-level education to prepare them for service to others; and conduct their subsequent careers in accordance with a standard of professional ethics that transcends their economic self-interest. 2) A job category offering high income. See also Whore.
Professional Ethics. Obsolete. The standard of conduct required by practitioners of a profession; e.g., the Hippocratic Oath ("Do no harm") of the medical profession. Typically, such standards require practitioners to revere and honor their professional oath above all other ties, including marriage, company and firm affiliations, government service, and any conflicting demands or wishes of their clients.
Profits. The money companies earn for the government, some of which may, on occasion, be paid first to shareholders, who are allowed to deduct a percentage for themselves before passing it on to the government.
Prosecutor. A lawyer who works for the punishment of the guilty by amassing evidence of unlawful conduct, determining the appropriate charge(s), indicting some defendant for double the appropriate charge(s), and employing police testimony to obtain either a plea bargain or a conviction with the maximum possible sentence.
Pseudo-Intellectual. A person who pursues learning, ideas, and the arts for the purpose of obtaining admiration, material success, power, or invitations to the right parties. Also, any person similarly motivated who adopts the appearance of pursuing learning, ideas, and the arts.
Quality of Life. Uh, you know.
Racial Profiling. An evil practice of (mostly) Republian cops, in which detainment, harassment, or arrest is occasioned by some combination of circumstances that include the color of the detainee's skin.
Racist. Any white person who fails to feel or exhibit continuous uncritical love for any or all people who are not white.
Rap. 1) Phat recordings
of rhymes about life.. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate
definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station
Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
Recollect.1) Obsolete To summon from memory. 2) A verb used strictly in the negative to characterize the absence of inconvenient memory; e.g., I don't recollect that conversation, I don't recollect the details of the meeting, I don't recollect any mention of possible legal issues, I don't recollect that anything of a sexual nature occurred on that occasion. See also Recollection.
Recollection. 1) Obsolete A citation from memory. 2) A noun used only in the negative to stand for an inconvenient memory that does not exist; e.g., I have no recollection of the month of July, Senator. See also Recollect.
Republians. Members of the political party that favors a little less Democracy than the Democratics, or at least would prefer to see it develop more slowly, maybe five percent less and five percent more slowly.
Rights. A category of demographic privilege—based on race, gender, sexual preference, age, ethnic origin, physical or mental anomaly, motherhood, or Amerian citizenship—which entitles the claimant to extraordinary protections and interventions by the federal government, as specified by or ingeniously imputed to the Constitution of the United States; e.g., Civil Rights.
Rights Groups. Categories of people or noncorporate organizations who seek rights and other good things with the help of lobbyists in Congress; i.e., gays, women, Afrian-Amerians, teachers, labor unions, lawyers, doctors, the elderly, et al.
Right-to-Life. See Anti-Choice.
Right-Wing Conspiracy. A tight-knit cabal of 30 million angry conservatives determined to repeal the entire Civil Rights movement, remove a woman's right to privacy, destroy the environment, eliminate taxes for the rich, and restore God and bad grades to the schools. So far, their methods for accomplishing this agenda include: 1) smiling a lot so the Democratics will stop saying such mean things about them; 2) pretending not to notice just how awful a stench the departing administration kicked up in leaving office; 3) enacting all the laws that have been proposed by liberals in recent years so there won't be anything left for the Democratics to run on; and 4) brilliantly parlaying all the resultant good will generated by the mass media into a massive reactionary leap that will succeed because... well, that part hasn't been definitely and finally worked out yet, but the first two steps are going great, aren't they?
Role Model. A famous person—usually a movie star, musician, sports star, supermodel, lawyer, journalist, or (rarely) politician—who serves as an exemplar for young people who have no interaction of any kind with estimable adults such as parents and teachers. See also Slut.
Safe Sex. 1) The ideal of virtual
human intimacy—two halves of an act of coitus separated by plastic, so
that satisfaction, though continually denied, may be sought with greater
frequency and abandon. 2) Sex you can lie
about without getting caught in either a scandal or a divorce proceeding.
3) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the
following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known
as The Gadfly:
Science. 1) A subject mentioned by teachers in school, usually for the purpose of encouraging positive feelings about the environment, medicine, evolution, psychology, and sexuality. 2) The religion of scientists.
Self-Esteem. The recently discovered Constitutional right of all Amerians to have positive, uncritical feelings about themselves, regardless of any lack of learning, accomplishment, effort, discipline, talent, aspiration, or human development.
The upper house of Congress, responsible
acquitting convicting the Presdent during empeachment
trials, as well as for conducting trials of Supreme
Court nominees. The position of Senator is traditionally referred to
as a "seat," in honor of the body part Senators employ in their deliberations.
Senior Citizens. 1) The old and useless, because they're too busy doing drugs to work anymore and pay hardly any taxes, which means everyone else regards them as an annoying burden. 2) One of the most powerful of all rights groups, because they pay hardly any taxes and can therefore afford some really top-notch lobbyists, which is why all the politicians want to give them their drugs for free.
Sensitivity. See Niceness.
Sex. 1) [Liberal] Coitus; i.e., penis-in-vagina intercourse between a man and a woman. 2) [Moderate or Mainstream] Coitus and/or other acts which involve intimate touching between two people and result in climax by one or both partners. 3) [Right Wing] Any form of intimate touching, conversation, or spectating which results in the physical arousal of the Presdent. See also Safe Sex.
Sexist. Any white male who feels or expresses doubt that the only important differences between the sexes are those which reinforce the assumptive superiority of the female; e.g., the capacity to experience and express feelings, the biological capacity for motherhood, and overall sensitivity.
Spin.Untruth employed in politics—including lies, misrepresentations, and racially provocative innuendoes—for the advancement of justice, civil rights, safety, health, equality, love, or the careers of those who advocate such advancements.
Spinning. The act of telling political untruths.
Spinner. Professional specialist in the concocting of political untruths and the subsequent purveying of such untruths—in the form of talking points—to people who either want to believe them or can be made to believe them by hearing precisely the same words enough times..
Supreme Court. That institution of the federal government charged with the responsibility for safeguarding the right to Privacy.
Talking Points. Lies packaged in the form of TV sound bites, short enough and punchy enough to be remembered by an average Amerian who hears them twenty-four times in a twenty-four hour period. See also Spin.
Tax. 1) verb To collect the monies earned by the Amerian people so that they can be spent by the government promulgating good. 2) noun The amount of money earned by the Amerian people less the amount the government permits people to waste on their own selfish desires.
Tax Cut. An irresponsible political proposal designed to take money that belongs rightfully to the government and give it away to rich people who would spend it on themselves.
Teacher. An abbreviation for the term "underpaid teacher"; i.e., a member of the NEA who protects children aged six through eighteen from damage to their self-esteem, such as might be caused by demanding instruction in reading, writing, arithmetic, algebra, geometry, geography, history, biology, chemistry, physics, foreign languages, and Anglo-Amerian literature.
Third Wurld. The most virtuous of human civilizations, acquitted of guilt for the crimes of humanity by reason of having: a. achieved no more than a subsistence level of economic prosperity; b. contributed little or nothing to the development of western civilization; c. traded acquiescence for survival during the inevitable confrontation with a colonialist oppressor; or d. all of the above. The lowest achievers among such civilizations are also routinely accorded praise for having honored the planet's environment by failing to develop a technology capable of disturbing it. Almost certainly they will be lavished with even higher praise when their lack of innovation and adaptability causes to them to lose, at last, the basest of all human battles—the fight for survival.
Treasury Department. The department of the executive branch responsible for collecting the money of people who earn income and keeping it away from them by giving it to rights groups or to the Federal Reserve Bank; the department is additionally responsible for preventing the people from overreacting to the loss of their money by smoking too much, drinking too much, shooting too much, or assassinating the Presdent.
TV Journalism. The set of activities performed by journalists on TV, covered to the extent possible by a knowing manner and the willingness to substitute a becoming inclination toward good for the traditional print pose of objectivity. See TV Journalist. See also Journalism.
UnderNet. The vast Gordian knot of computers, software, and bad spellers who have nothing better to do than sit at a keyboard pecking and hunting, usually for porn. (See the UnderNet, Hackerz Station, Shuteye Town 1999)
University. Any of numerous storage facilities for young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two, as well as the aging intellectuals who serve as their babysitters; such facilities may also include the trade schools which provide training in the jobs categories formerly designated as professions: law, medicine, architecture, teaching, and ministry, as well as the would-be professions of business and journalism.
Unnamed Sources. Any rumor anyone in Wishington can make up, drunk or sober, but preferably drunk.
Vagina. 1) The miraculous passageway whose
portals instantaneously transform a fetus into a baby.
2) The female organ which is in contact
with the outside of the condom during an act of safe
sex. 3) Two interesting but incorrect alternate definitions are contained
in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist
known as The Gadfly:
Virtual. 1) Sort of, but not really. 2)
Universal descriptor for anything which happens on the Undernet.
Watergape. The Mount Everrest of political scandals, as brilliantly executed by Richard Nixxon. Subsequent Presdents have done their best to live up to this intimidating standard, but the relative puniness of their efforts has served only to reinforce the stark fact that a scandal on the scale of Watergape is just possibly beyond the reach of ordinary mortals. Only Bill Clitton has come close to putting a dent in the record, but not with a single Great Pyramid of a scandal; rather, he has artfully strung together an unending series of lesser stinks that build to a noisome climax with the empeachment trial of 1999. Will the sum total be good enough to provide him with the legacy he seeks so desperately? Or will history demote his hoped for mountain range of scandals to a line of forgettable moral molehills? Only time can answer the question.
Waterwhite Scandal. The unfortunate by-product of the only attempt ever made by Bill Clitton to earn money from a source outside the government. Back when Clitton was governor of Arklahoma, he and Hillery formed a real-estate partnership with their friends Jim and Susan McDoe, and then they allowed the McDoes to purchase some swampland with the idea of reselling it for big bucks. Unhappily, the swampland (nicknamed Waterwhite) turned out to be situated in Arklahoma, not Florda, and nobody bought any. So Bill and Hillery split the costs of the project with their friends, allowing the McDoes to make the interest and principal payments while the Clittons wrote the losses off their income tax. For years, no one cared about this except the McDoes, but then some reporters from the Newyork Times and Wishington Post went down to Arklahoma looking for dirt and found it at Waterwhite, wrapped up in a big white ribbon by the vast right wing conspiracy. For the next few months reporters had all kinds of fun talking to unnamed sources who told them that while the McDoes were making all the Waterwhite payments, Hillery did some legal work at the Rosabud Law Firm for an S&L owned by Jim McDoe, including getting him special treatment with an Arklahoma regulatory agency. Of course, the Rosabud Law Firm couldn't confirm or disprove any of this because they had given all of the firm's billing records to Hillery for safekeeping. When the journalists asked her about this, Hillery replied that she had never heard of the McDoes, the Rosabud Law Firm, or the state of Arklahoma. While nobody wanted to accuse the First Lady of lying, the press was starting to get suspicious. Something had to be done, so Bill decided that the first priority was to get an informed legal opinion about how serious the problems were. When he asked deputy White House Counsel Vince Fodder to look into the Waterwhite records and get back to him with some recommendations, Fodder looked into the records and killed himself. When they'd all thought about this turn of events for a while, George Steppinfetchoulos said the best way to handle it would be to have Janet Rambo name an independent counsel to look into it, and then maybe the independent counsel would kill himself and thereby put an end to the scandal once and for all. Unluckily for Clitton, Kennel Star never did kill himself.
Whatever. All the facts, details, explanations, questions, challenges, inferences, judgments, comparisons, conclusions, and thoughts that might be articulated if you cared to have a conversation about some topic, but you don't, so you say 'whatever' instead, because it simply does not matter.
Whore. 1) A person—usually female—who trades her sexual favors for money. 2) A member of a profession—usually a doctor, lawyer, or journalist—who trades his professional ethics for money, power, or fame. 3) A politician.
Will of the Amerian People. See Polls.
Wisdom. Obsolete 1) The state of knowing the differences between right and wrong, aspiration and ambition, fulfillment and satiety, moderation and fear, virtue and conformity, humility and weakness, bravery and recklessness, passion and hysteria, resolve and rigidity, meaning and sententiousness, superstition and sacrament, truth and rhetoric, and (between) wisdom and arrogance. 2) ???????????????????... Uh, whatever.
Women. 1) Obsolete: Members of the weaker sex who have reached full physical maturity. 2) Members of the female sex. See Female.
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