Abortion. 1) Obsolete The disposal of a collection of cells in the uterus which might otherwise grow to become an embarrassment, inconvenience and/or serious time and resource drain to the owner of the uterus in question. 2) Shhhhh, it's private.

Afrian-Amerians. The preeminent rights group in the United States, as well as the activist exemplar and natural ally of other oppressed groups battling for liberation and respect—notably Ho's.

Alternative Rock. A form of audio entertainment that became popular in the 1990s as an alternative to rock-and-roll (too male), music (too artful), and rap (too comprehensible).

Amerian Citizen. See Citizen.

Amerian Dream. 1) Winning a state or multi-state millionaire lottery; 2) becoming accidentally famous for any reason and then parlaying notoriety into a substantial financial nest egg.

Anger. See Violence.

Anti-Choice. The state or condition of being unwilling to accept the Constitutional right of the superior sex to purchase an abortion at any stage of pregnancy prior to the natural emergence of the head from the vagina.

Attorney-General. Revised Definition! The head of the Justice Department; i.e., the unspeakable monster responsible for destroying the country by translating his evil personal opinions into the law of the land. 

Babe. White male slang for the Afrian-Amerian term 'ho.'

Baby. The most darling, precious, perfect, adorable little gift of joy that a woman could ever receive, because after starting out as nothing at all in the womb, they grow up to become wonderful Amerian children..

Bad. Anything included on the list of bad things, which is compiled and revised on a continuous basis by members of the mass media who have a feel for such things. FOR EXAMPLE: Anger, violence, men, partisan politics, corporate profits, drugs, guns, tobacco, hate, discrimination, special interests, school shootings, pornography, et al.

Bimbo. See Slut.

Bi-Partisan Politics. A cooperative, non-confrontational legislative process in which both Democratics and Republians work to achieve the political objectives of Democratics.

Bitch. 1) A powerful, talented, assertive, brilliant woman. 2) Afrian-Amerian A female owned by the person speaking, as in "she's my bitch." 3) Afrian-Amerian A male lacking in courage, strength, loyalty, brains, presence, and/or independence, as in "he's my bitch." 4) female slang You know. A bitch.

Born-Again Christian. 1) Anti-Choice Republians who want to turn the clock back by a minimum of 100 years.2)   An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

The practitioner of  a pagan* version of Christianity in which the concept of divinity is reduced to the level of a personal good luck charm or totem, conferring complete and exclusive immunity from the possibility of punishment in the afterlife for those who worship and/or propitiate the Jesus totem in exactly the right way.

*Paganism may be distinguished from a religion or system of spiritual belief by its insistence on defining morality in terms of affiliation; that is, as an “us” (saved) against “them” (damned) proposition, thus dispensing with potentially troubling considerations of conduct, responsibility, duty, altruism, thoughtfulness, humility, justice, and tolerance.

Budget. A formal document, prepared by the Presdent and (un)altered by the Congress, specifying how the government will spend all the money earned by the Amerian people in the coming year.

Campaign Finance Scandal. This is the most mysterious of the Clitton scandals because Janet Rambo finally remembered not to name an independent counsel to look into it. According to unnamed sources, Clitton and his political advisers rounded up all the Democratics in the country, locked them in the Lincon bedroom, and wouldn't let them out until they had made a substantial contribution to a Buddist temple that wanted to pay for Al Bore's 1996 Vice-Presdential campaign. Then they canvassed the leaders of all the enemy states around the wurld and asked them if they would like some military secrets in exchange for cash on the barrel head, and please make out your checks to the Democratic Party. As it turned out, Jang Zemang of The People's Republic of Chyna sent a very nice check. Despite Rambo's opinion that none of this represented any cause for concern, the Republians conducted a long series of hearings about it in the Congress, but without a stained dress or a soggy cigar, the mass media couldn't justify the expense of covering the hearings, and so nobody knows what happened there, if anything.

Celebrity. See Role Model.

Celebrity Law. See Legal Entertainment.

Character (1). The condition, usually temporary, of possessing sufficient morality, integrity, and principle to be able to provide the Amerian people with politicalleadership.

Character (2). The condition, usually temporary, of possessing sufficient good sense to be sexually faithful to one's wife.

Children. See Kids.

Christian. 1) Any person who claims to be such, including members of formally organized Christian denominations, independent zealots, and Born-Again Christians. 2) rare A practitioner of Christianity.

Christianity. 1) The religion responsible for the rise of imperialism and Eurocentric wurldviews, as well as the annihilation of the native peoples in North, Central, and South Ameria. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

An obsolete and moribund religion based upon the notion that a flawed but functional fragment of divine perception can be created in an individual mind, enabling the replacement of rote obedience to lengthy lists of moral commandments with an interior conscience capable of making moral choices and learning from the consequences of those choices through time. The religion’s implicit insistence that each practitioner build and maintain in his mind a working model of the divine universe, with himself depicted in an appropriately humble relationship to the whole of that universe, enjoyed an imperfect success for a time. The extraordinary nature and scale of its demands upon human imagination fueled the elevation of the individual as a meaningful component of social and political systems and brought about the explosive growth of curiosity, exploration, learning, and innovation which enabled western civilization to dominate the wurld. Subsequently, derivative concepts such as science, atheism, agnosticism, and existentialism emerged in order to reduce the scope and scale of the challenge to individual minds who were either incapable of imagining divinity or unwilling to accept their assigned place and responsibility in a divine universe. When they had succeeded in forgetting that their own human consciousness had been created by Christianity in the first place, they proceeded to define progressively smaller models of the universe, finally settling on a purely physical dwarf version governed by unattributed ‘laws’ of physics and a utilitarian application of the concept of predestination—diluted by the concept of random physical change—which eliminated any need for the unwelcome interior reflection mandated by Christianity. Though the outward symbols, traditions, and institutions of Christianity continued to survive in a deteriorated form as a refuge for those who harbored a mistaken belief that they rejected the purely physical model of the universe, the religion itself was doomed from this point onward, and with it, the vast ideal of consciousness it had sired.
 

That category of person, generally the holder of a U.S. passport, who is so blindly obsessed with being no man's servant that he insists on being every man's slave.
 

Civility. A style of politics in which Republians act nice and talk nice to Democratics, who return the favor by continuing the nonpartisan politics they have always been famous for without engaging in any more spin than is absolutely required to save the country from the genocidal policies of the illegitimate moron who stole the 2000 election.

Civil Rights. 1) Obsolete: The rights attaching to an Amerian citizen under the Constitution. 2) The rights attaching to any group able to articulate a claim of present or past oppression by Amerian citizens outside the group. Said rights include the right to be provided for in a state of absolute economic equality, as well as the right to be loved, admired, and ostentatiously flattered by all other groups and individuals, with the absence of any of these behaviors to be taken as ipso facto proof of hate or unacceptable ‘phobic’ feelings. 3) The legal mechanism by which the archaic Fifth Amendment to the Constitution (barring double jeopardy) is being repealed. See Hate Crime.

College. 1) Obsolete: An institution organized for the purpose of providing young adults with a foundation of knowledge, learning, interests, and intellectual skills sufficient to prepare them for the mental, emotional, and moral challenges of life. 2) See University.

Compassion. The condition of feeling or communicating concern about the problems and misfortunes of others. See Niceness.

Compassionate Conservative. The self-appellation employed by Conservatives in political communications with women.

Compromise. The art of passing legislation without having to think anything through.

Computer-Literacy. A replacement for old-fashioned literacy achieved by teaching children how to click on pictures of things that lead them to still more pictures of things.

Congress. The Senate, the House of Representatives, and the lobbyists they work for.

Conservative. A person whose political views favor racist, sexist, anti-choice, anti-Social Security, and anti-gun-control policies, as well as tax cuts and draconian slashes (i.e., minuscule reductions in constant dollar terms) in the federal budget, particularly in those programs that offer no benefit to people who pay taxes. See Conservatism.

Conservatism. See Right Wing Conspiracy.

Conspiracy. Any organized attempt to accomplish a bad thing.

Constitution. A symbolic document, written in the form of a contract between the federal government and the Amerian people, enshrining the individual's right to privacy and the government's right to promulgate good on behalf of individuals, as well as a lot of amusing but obsolete anti-government rhetoric.

Constitutional. Deemed legal by the Supreme Court based on:  a. wording contained in the Constitution; b. wording that should have been contained in the Constitution; or c. wording that should not have been contained in the Constitution and can therefore be ignored.

Contract. A piece of paper written by a lawyer and therefore to be trusted as meaningless and unenforceable.

Cool. 1) It's like, you know, cool. SYNONYMS: See Phat. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

Like the word “cute” as used by females, cool has no denotative definition beyond ascribing a vaguely positive aura to the noun or proper noun it modifies, although its unexpressed connotations may approach infinity. It may perhaps be best understood in the present day as a kind of opposite to George Orwell’s “ungood” as used in 1984, which is to say that it is a label which can be applied without thought when some discriminating comment is required of a nature that would, in a conscious mind, occasion comparison, characterization, description, observation, insight, inference, or judgment.

Deadbeat Dads. See Fatherhood.

Decent. Not  indecent.

Decision. The outcome of a deliberative process involving demands, accusations, charges, countercharges, lies, and (eventually) compromise.

Democracy. 1) The political process by which the will of the people—i.e., their feelings, as expressed through polls—achieves the ideals of freedom, equality, justice, and love by means of bi-partisan legislative compromise.
2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

Originally an untried concept denoting rule by and for the people, the term 'Democracy' underwent an evolution as it passed through multiple phases of experimentation before reaching its maturity at the end of the twentieth century. The key milestone in its history was the determination that the Amerian Constitutional preference for separation of church and state could be achieved only by excising all aspects of religion, including acknowledgment of the Judeo-Christian God as inspiration and example, from the institutions of the state. Completion of the excision—vastly facilitated by the broad cultural decline of Christianity—created a vacuum which was slowly filled with a species of post-Christian religion centered in the state itself. Where people once prayed to God, they now petitioned the government and reposed all their trust and hope in the beneficence of an institution from which they formerly sought protection. And just as no Christian would ever have thought to limit the power of God or to question His virtue, so the Amerians ceased to seek limits on the power of a government they persisted in confusing with themselves or to question the virtue of government involvement in every aspect of their lives. Without perceiving the transition, they thus transferred the seat of moral authority from their own individual consciences to the political process and the policies which emerged from that process. Accordingly, matters of a moral nature ceased to be the concern of individuals and belonged exclusively to the domain of the state. At the same time the state, as a reflection of the mass of people, did attempt to give them what they wanted, as long as such bounties did not infringe on its own continual increase of power. In this fashion, the accumulations of small policy decisions gradually redefined the values of the nation and installed the articles of the new religion: 1) The protection of children (i.e., The Kids); 2) the prolongation of physical life (i.e., Health and Safety); and 3) the proliferation of material goods and services (i.e., Jobs and Prosperity). The protection of children had formerly been the zealously guarded responsibility of parents, perhaps the prime responsibility in the lives of those who had children. The retention of this value in the new religion was therefore rooted in tradition, but it was also necessary to further increase of the state. Over the course of several generations, the evolving social contract had by increments reduced parental control and autonomy to such an extent that without a powerful state commitment to safeguard children, parents might very well have begun resisting further encroachments by the state into their homes. Yet such encroachments were necessitated by the third article, which required that women be enticed out of the home into the production mechanisms of the economy. Coupled with the increasing power of technological mass media, the prospect of mothers consigning their children to the care of third parties conjured the fear that parents could no longer vouch, in any way, for the protection of their own offspring from danger and harmful influences. In response, the state formally recast itself in the role of prime parent to all children and thus at a single stroke acquired the authority to oversee and overrule parents, as well as establish and enforce the definition of good child-raising. The acceptance of the state in this role has been nearly accomplished. Policies in support of the two other articles reinforce the first. Since moral responsibility has been transferred to the state, the citizens of the state have been transformed into mere consumers of goods and services like the children they now so closely resemble. And also like children, they feel—in their bones—that it is the responsibility of the parent to take care of them, to nurse them when they are sick, to eliminate—without even being requested to do so—physical dangers and other risks against which they feel small and helpless. Hence, the contemporary debate about how large a role the government should have in healthcare is moot; the government will be responsible for all healthcare for everyone in the very near future. Finally, the state has accepted responsibility for keeping the children's toybox filled with new and diverting entertainments, in the form of all those material goods and services, because what else is there for children to do in their playtime? And the state will also be in charge, forever, of the all-important sharing, so that no poor child will be without a toy or two. At this point, there will be those who will have understood the discussion well enough to divine that the second and third articles are, in fact, irrelevant. There is only one article in the final analysis: protection of the children. Such a state makes children of everyone. Cynics may  insist that a state formulated around such a religion cannot be a democracy because the people have no more will to express. But this is not true. The smallest child has a will. The job of the parent is to appease the will as often as is consistent with protecting the child from harm. But except for that will, the parent has all the power, including the power to announce the moment when playtime is over.When that moment comes, the child may cry, but that is all. Ultimately, he will have to bow to the will of the people. It is our own will we have manifested in this new religion. When we rise with quivering voice to demand attention to the children, it is ourselves we are talking about. It is "we the people" who want to be looked after by the only adult, the only god, on the horizon. This is a democracy, after all.
 

Democratics. Members of the political party that favors Democracy.

Desirable. Good.
A Different World
Different Wurld. The ostensibly new realm of attitudes, behaviors, values, and moral convictions entered into by the population of the United States since the mass murder of 5,0004,000 3,000 of its citizens by middle eastern terrists on September 11, 2001.

Dis. Afrian-Amerian slang for "disrespect"; i.e., failing to show admiration for those who demand it.

Discrimination.1) Obsolete: The act of drawing a distinction based on experience and the exercise of judgment. 2) The act (principally by a white male) of drawing a distinction in matters of race, sex, or religion based on experience and the exercise of judgment. See Bad.

Disloyalty. The opposite of loyalty.

Diva. An old ho.

Divisive. The meaning is dictated by pronunciation. When the first and last i's are short and the middle i is long, the word describes acts or conditions which are likely to result in rifts between individuals or groups. When all three i's are short (as mispronounced by intellectual politicians and pundits), the word describes the latest Republian political action, initiative, or campaign.

Doctor. See Physician.

Double Jeopardy. The practice, usually employed in matters of celebrity law, of trying an acquitted defendant a second time after his not guilty verdict has been disapproved by polls; the second trial is customarily a civil suit or a federal charge of violating the victim's Civil Rights under the Constitution.

Drugs. 1) Medications prescribed by physicians (legal) to help people overcome pain, depression, agitation, disease, and other physical and mental illnesses. See Good. 2) Medications self-prescribed by individuals (illegal) to help them overcome pain, depression, agitation, and other physical and mental illnesses. See Bad.

Dude. A male, but dumber.

Education. A form of government-sponsored daycare in which teachers prepare children and young adults for jobs by exposing them to trace amounts of academic instruction in such subjects as Pre-Reading, Creative Spelling, Number and Shape Appreciation, Third Wurld Social Studies, Loving the Environment, Safe Sex, Logging on to the UnderNet, and Lists of Answers to the Multiple-Choice Questions on the SATs.

Egalitarian. Full of equality.

Elderly. 1) Obsolete The aged, among them those who have acquired, through a liftetime of work and human experience, the priceless and eminently respected asset of wisdom. 2) Senior citizens.

Empeachment. A formal attempt by the legislative branch to violate the will of the Amerian people by removing the duly elected Presdent of the United States. See also Legal Entertainment.

Epidemic. 1) Obsolete A level of contagious disease outbreak at which each case generates one or more new cases of the disease, thus resulting in an exponentially increasing state of contagion. 2) A rate of occurrence for a bad thing that exceeds acceptable levels; i.e., a rate above zero.

Equality. The ideal of making everybody the same, from sea to shining sea.

Erotica. Sexually oriented material that is arousing to females. See Feelings. See also Good.

Eurocentric. A mental illness characterized by the false belief that the notable achievements, benefits, and virtues of western civilization have been produced by western civilization.

Evidence. Physical or circumstantial facts—authenticated by police testimony and other credible sources—used to prove the guilt or innocence of a defendant charged in a legal proceeding.

Evil. See Obscenity.

Executive Branch. Revised Definition! The branch of government run by special interests who are to determined to flout the will of the Amerian people by promoting bad things and obstructing the few good things that somehow sneak through Congress. 

Executive Order. Revised Definition! 1) The last-ditch efforts of an outgoing Presdent  to enact a bunch of good things without having to bother with Congress, the budget, or other bureaucratic restraints; he simply orders the Treasury Department to write a check and tells the payee how he wants the money spent. Cool. 2) The first official acts of a new Presdent determined to prevent his predecessor from serving the will of the people; he simply tears up all the executive orders he finds lying on his desk in the Oval Office (under the stack of skin-mags). 
 
 

Fairness. Whatever outcome the person on camera right now wants.

Family. Any societal sub-unit created by the sharing of an address, a last name, a distinct set of genes, or a bed.

Family Values. A strain of highly emotional oratory which purports to express the profound importance of the societal sub-unit created by the sharing of an address, a last name, a distinct set of genes, or a bed. Theoretically, or at least rhetorically, such sub-units are instrumental in the development of good citizens and maintenance of the self-esteem which belongs to said good citizens by right of birth. For this reason, family values are held to be sacrosanct from interference by outsiders, excepting duly authorized local, state, and federal government agencies and their allied social service and law enforcement organizations.

Fatherhood. The state of being a male parent; i.e., a probable perpetrator of child abuse, incest, desertion, and financial non-support.
Fear
Fear. A brand new emotion—resembling dread but more definitively associated with portents of death, dismemberment, and disease—discovered in Ameria on 911 and so enthusiastically promulgated by the media that the people and their politicians have decided to export it to the rest of the wurld by every means possible.

Federal Prosecutor. A lawyer who works for the Justice Department in order to acquire experience in exacting justice via the skilled use of police testimony. See also Prosecutor.
.
Feelings. The most egalitarian of all human forms of expression and therefore the only one which matters in a democratic society.

Female. 1) The superior sex. 2) A member of the superior sex.

Feminist. An advocate, male or female, for the goals of feminism.

Feminism. A political movement organized for the purpose of obtaining superior status for the superior sex, including equal pay for lesser work, superior privileges under (or over) the law, and legislative vengeance for a long list of grudges, grievances, slights, and fancied slights nursed by women since the beginning of recorded history. Unfortunately for feminists, such goals are inconsistent with Democracy. Ultimately, to their dismay, they may have to settle for equality.

Fetus. 1) A collection of genetic material stored in the uterus and bearing a strong but spurious resemblance to a small baby. 2) [Legal] In the event of injury or death caused by a person other than the owner of the uterus in which it is stored, a baby.

Former Federal Prosecutor. A TV lawyer.

Freedom. 1) Obsolete: The right of an individual to think for himself, express himself as he will, and to make his own decisions in all matters, provided he does no injury to another. 2) the right of an individual or group to demand that the government limit the freedoms of others who have done, may do, or are of a mind to do injury to the physical persons, economic prospects, or feelings of the one(s) making the demand.

Gay. 1) Obsolete: The state of being spontaneously joyful and carefree. 2) The state of being homosexual. 3) Claimant to the right to be loved lavishly and uncritically by heterosexuals. See also Lesbian.

Gender.1) Obsolete: Grammatical term denoting the distinctions which may be made, sometimes arbitrarily, among three types of nouns and pronouns—masculine, feminine, and neuter. 2) The principal attribute of a human being in determining whether any given individual is genetically disposed to the good (female) or to the bad (male).

Genocide. Any attempt by Republians to slow the growth of federal programs offering benefits to people who don't pay tax.

Gentlemen. 1) Obsolete: Men possessed of refined tastes, exquisite manners, and a full complement of Christian virtues. 2) A sign appearing on the doors of restrooms used by males in expensive restaurants.

Global Warning. The up-and-coming favorite apocalypse of scientists since the likelihood of all-out nuclear war experienced such a setback c.1990. The idea of this one is that we're all going to perish eventually unless the White House passes a bunch of laws against the Green House. It has something to do with temperature. Also with driving cars, which is bad and we shouldn't do it. That's why you never see a scientist driving a car.

Good. Anything included on the list of good things, which is compiled and revised on a continuous basis by members of the mass media who have a feeling for that sort of thing. FOR EXAMPLE:  Kids, feelings, women, choice, privacy, love, prescription drugs, bi-partisan politics, lying about sex, computer literacy, teachers, justice, family values, gun control, rights groups, female sexuality, et al.

Gun Control. All the new legislation required to foil the obscene objectives of the NRA.

Guns. 1) Obsolete. Firearms. 2) The violent, evil weapons of destruction that make our kids kill each other and their teachers.
 
 

Hate. Any negative emotion, from mild irritation to homicidal fury, displayed or expressed toward a member of a racial,  ethnic, sexual, or religious minority or a member of the superior sex.

Hate Crime. Any crime of violence for which the victim and his allies desire to try the accused for what he thinks as well as what he did.

Hate Group. Any group which displays or expresses a negative emotion, from mild irritation to homicidal fury, toward a racial or ethnic minority or the majority gender.

Hate Speech. 1) Use of the N-Word, in any context, by anyone other than an Afrian-Amerian. 2) Any speech which expresses a negative emotion, from mild irritation to homicidal fury, toward a racial or ethnic minority or the majority gender.

Health. 1) One of the more recently discovered Amerian rights; i.e., the right to be protected by the government from all illnesses, as well as the costs of  being healed of such illnesses.  2) Along with Safety, The second article of post-Christian religion.

Heterosexual. An old-fashioned exclusive sexual preference—probably Eurocentric in origin—for members of the opposite sex. The condition is often accompanied by a propensity toward the disease of homophobia.

Historian. A member of the mass media responsible for exporting the present to the past and publicizing the lessons he has learned by pretending to have done the opposite.

History. A story—made up by an historian—in which present-day characters act out a present-day plot involving events of the past.

Ho. Afrian Amerian slang for female.

Homophobia. A mental disease of heterosexuals marked by the inability to feel and express lavish, uncritical love of gay people.

Honest. Believable, especially about matters of good and bad in Amerian life, as opposed to being merely truthful about matters political.

Honor. 1) Uh, would this be something like principle? 2) Or integrity? 3) ????????????? 4) Whatever.

House of Representatives. Revised Definition! The lower house of Congress, responsible for sucking up to the Presdent by passing every bill he proposes in a purely partisan vote.

Husband. The partner in a marriage, usually male, who lies about sex.

Hypocrisy. The act of maintaining that lying about sex is bad, illegal, or detrimental to a politician's capacity for leadership.

Hypocrite. Any person who claims that lying about sex is just as bad as any other kind of lying and/or that there are people who don't lie about sex..
 
 

Ideal. See Principle.

Illegal. 1) Having to do with lawyers, the law, and the police—local, state or federal. 2) A state of affairs in which a non-celebrity defendant has some chance of being found guilty unless he can afford an excellent lawyer AND the prosecutor is not running for reelection, bucking for a promotion, or politically compromised with respect to offering a plea bargain. 3) Not formalized by a piece of paper drawn up by a lawyer for the purpose of providing potentially necessary evidence to the appropriate authorities. 4)  Not subject to tax. 5) Not obedient to the laws of the land; i.e., not all of them or not all the time. 6) SYNONYM for Unlawful.

Indecent. 1) [Liberal] Not quite obscene, but pretty bad. 2) [Conservative] a. Any person who talks about sex or other bodily functions. b. Any instance of talk about  sex or other bodily functions.

Independent Counsel. 1) Obsolete since 1992. A lawyer or judge appointed by the Justice Department to investigate possible unlawful conduct by a member or members of the executive branch. 

Individual Rights. The right of any individual to seek membership in a rights group represented by a lobbyist powerful enough to procure money and privilege for that group from the federal government.

Information Explosion. The kind of explosion you get when half a billion geeks in sweaters are on-line to the UnderNet, looking at porn.

Integrity. A standard of behavior requiring honest, principled conduct, with the exception of lying about sex.

Intellectual. 1) Obsolete: A person who pursues learning, ideas, and the arts for the purpose of obtaining understanding and enlightenment. 2) See Pseudo-Intellectual.

Iram-Contra Scandal. A fairly puny attempt by the Regan-Bush administration to compete with the Watergape Scandal. Sometime back in the awful 80s, the Republians in the Regan administration wanted to get back some hostages they had left with some terrorists in Iram by mistake. Although they told the Amerian people they wouldn't bargain with terrorists, they were lying, like every administration that tells the Amerian people it won't bargain with terrorists. In order to prevent the Amerian people from discovering the lie, they decided to use illegal arms as a bargaining chip, because nobody can ever figure out what's going on when illegal arms are involved. According to unnamed sources, the Regan-Bush administration agreed to sell the illegal arms to the terrorists, which convinced the terrorists to give back the hostages, and then the administration gave the money they got from the terrorists to some other, friendlier terrorists in Central Ameria who were trying to overthrow their government and couldn't get any money from the U.S. Congress to help them do it. When the Democratics in Congress started getting suspicious, they subpoenaed the weird guy who worked in the White House basement (Oliver Nuke) and asked him what was going on. Nuke said he didn't have any idea what was going on, which was a lie. The telling of a lie so outraged the Democratics that they insisted on an independent counsel to investigate the matter. The independent counsel, whose name was Floyd Walsh, investigated the matter so thoroughly that it took him seven years and $30 million to arrive at the conclusion that Presdent Regan was senile and couldn't ever surpass the calumny of Watergape. Then Oliver Nuke testified in Congress again and admitted he'd been lying, although he claimed that it was okay to lie about matters involving foreign policy and national security, because everybody always lies about foreign policy and national security. When he put it that way, the Amerian people fell in love with Oliver Nuke and gave him very high approval ratings in the polls.  At this point Walsh quit in disgust without bothering to convict anybody, although he did write a very very stern report about the whole thing.

Is. The most memorable word ever uttered by Presdent Bill Clitton, although we're still not sure what it means exactly.
Islam
Islum. A beautiful, brilliant, peaceful religion practised in the middle east and elsewhere by people called Moslems, who are beautiful, occasionally literate, and peaceful as hell—except for the ones (uh, better make that millions) who want to slaughter every last Jew, Christian, and Amerian they can find.

Jobs. 1) Adult daycare, the preparation for which is the sole purpose of Education, to the extent consistent with the maintenance of childhood self-esteem. 2) Along with Prosperity, the third article of Post-Christian religion.

Journalism. The set of activities performed by journalists, covered to the extent possible by the appearance of objectivity. See also TV Journalism.

Journalist. 1) Obsolete. Practitioner of journalism, a.k.a. The Second Oldest Profession; i.e., a repeater of malicious gossip, above nothing and below everything in the human social scale. 2) A member of the mass media responsible for divining what the truth is and digging up all the facts necessary to prove it to a TV or newspaper audience.  3) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

The self-ordained priest of post-Christian religion, relentlessly exposing all the bad things and fearlessly promoting all the good things via the the instantaneous scripture of carefully edited videotape and carefully misused words.

Judge. A lawyer armed with a black robe and a conviction that he is above the law, immune to the law, or synonymous with the law.

Judiciary Branch. The branch of government responsible for keeping all the laws complicated enough to feed the largest population of lawyers in the wurld.

Justice. 1) Obsolete: What is fair and appropriate under the circumstances from a rational, dispassionate, and disinterested perspective. 2) Vengeance. 3) Getting away with it.

Justice Department. The department of the executive branch responsible for the administration of justice to the Presdent's friends and enemies.
 
 

Kids. 1) Our wonderful, beautiful, perfect Amerian children. 2) The first article of post-Christian religion.

Ladies. 1) Obsolete:  Women possessed of refined tastes, exquisite manners, and a full complement of Christian virtues. 2) A sign appearing on the doors of restrooms used by females in expensive restaurants.

Law. An enormous pile of books containing very specific, very carefully chosen words describing what is legal and what is illegal, thus providing a platform for lawyers to argue that whatever the words mean, they're just not clear enough to justify a decision against their client(s) in this particular case. See also Legislation.

Lawful. Full of law, subject to interpretation by lawyers.

Lawyers. Brilliant men and women of high principle and integrity, who work devotedly for justice on behalf of the Amerian people and/or their clients by translating the law into a meaningless pile of empty bullshit. See also TV lawyers.

Leader. Someone who displays, exercises, or occupies a position of leadership.

Leadership. 1) The act of pandering. 2) Those who are formally charged with the responsibility for pandering; e.g., political and party leaders.

Legal. 1) Having to do with lawyers and the law. 2) Rare A state of affairs in which a non-celebrity defendant has some chance of being found not guilty unless he can't afford a good lawyer OR the prosecutor is running for reelection, bucking for a promotion, or being politically pressured to coerce a plea bargain. 3) Formalized by a piece of paper (e.g., a contract) which generally requires the assistance of lawyers to create and always requires the assistance of lawyers to dissolve. 4) Subject to tax. 5) Obedient to the laws of the land; i.e., all of them, all the time. 6) SYNONYM for Lawful.

Legal Entertainment. A process resembling litigation in which a celebrity or police officer accompanied by expensive TV  lawyers is tried in the mass media and negotiates a verdict and/or sentence with the court based on polls and the projected TV ratings for an appeal or double jeopardy trial.

Legislation. Laws written and voted into effect by the legislative branch of a government, including laws enacting rights, programs, and the budget.

Legislative Branch. The branch of government responsible for nothing but intensely involved in everything. At the federal level of the United States of Ameria it consists of the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the lobbyists who write the bills and orchestrate congressional voting records.

Lesbian. Gay but not witty, amusing, or well dressed.

Lewiski Scandal. Presdent Clitton's best and most entertaining scandal. According to unnamed sources, the real story is far more interesting than what has been revealed to average Amerians. The whole affair originated as a high-minded contingency plan to spare the nation the trauma of a prolonged and ugly empeachment trial. Concerned that the mass media might slip up eventually and become interested in the Campaign Finance scandal, the Presdent decided that it might be a good idea to create a diversion. After months of planning with his closest advisers, he implemented a scheme to have an adulterous affair, inside the Oval Office, with a White House intern who was young enough to be his daughter. A careful search for a volunteer resulted in the choice of Monica Lewiski, the daughter of loyal Democratic contributors who lived in Beverly Hills and were therefore grateful for the honor being accorded them. The intention was to leak the story through a cooperative government functionary named Linda Trikk if it ever seemed that Campaign Finance was turning into a problem—say, a congressional recommendation that the Presdent be empeached for high treason or something like that. The resulting sex scandal would then push the dreary details of Democratic fund-raising right off the front pages until the dangerous moment had passed. Unfortunately, the scheme backfired when the vast right wing conspiracy (whose right hand didn't know what its right hand was doing) managed to drag the Lewiski affair into the Paula Janes lawsuit, which resulted in a certain amount of unavoidable perjury and other problems. Still, the White House was prepared to defuse the story when it broke prematurely in the mass media. The contingency plan called for an absolute denial by the Presdent and a few well chosen audiotapes of Lewiski discussing her slutty past with Trikk, except that the little blue dress spoiled everything. The Presdent had already issued his famous finger-wagging denial when Trikk sounded the alarm that Lewiski's mother, anxious for a souvenir from her daughter's secret patriotic mission, had asked for and received an item of clothing autgraphed with the Presdent's genetic signature. If the planned media annihilation of Lewiski went forward, Trikk warned, Lewiski would produce the dress. Subsequent events played out in the mass media and are well known. Sadly, the nation may never know of Trikk's valor in falling on the sword for her Commander-in-Chief, but those who seek to learn the identity of the benefactor who paid for her plastic surgeries need look no farther than... well, need we say more?

Liberal. Despite unflagging attempts by the vast right wing conspiracy to make this a dirty word, it isn't. It stands for all the wonderful Amerian people who want everyone and everything to be nice (i.e., Good). A large subset of these people also know exactly which new laws and government programs are needed to make everything nice, and they're working hard to make it happen. People who know about such matters are convinced that liberals are the greatest of idealists, because they continue to believe in and work for the ideal of niceness, even though they know that most average Amerians are crude, ignorant, racist, selfish, violent animals.

Lie. An untruth, except as employed under certain well defined circumstances in politics. See Spin.

Like. 1) Uh, it's, like, like. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

An interjection which serves as the signpost of a simile that can't be completed and therefore puts a pedestrian predicate nominative in place of the simile; e.g., he's, like, stupid... (often completed by the oxymoronic explanation, "you know."). Its effect is to make every person, object, and experience incomparable, which is to say that there is nothing which teaches us about or sheds light on anything else. Cool.

Lobbyist. A paid advocate for Special Interests or Rights Groups seeking specific legislation in Congress.

Love. 1) noun The ultimate objective of democracy, to be achieved by Civil Rights and gun control legislation, vigorous prosecution of hate crime, and the suppression of all forms of obscenity. 2) verb To commit an act of love.

Loyalty. The state of being a determined and obedient advocate for one's political party and its leadership; it is considered the ultimate political virtue and therefore justifies every seeming lapse of integrity except engagement in Partisan Politics.

Lying. The act of telling a lie. See Lie. See also Perjury.

Male. 1) The inferior sex. 2) A member of the inferior sex.

Manhood. 1) Obsolete Something about men. 2) See Penis.

Marriage. A temporary legal truce between two people, usually a male and a female, before the onset of a furious litigation process designed to produce hatred, bitterness, and breathtaking lawyers' fees.

Mass Media. The collective organ of communication—including television, radio, newspapers, magazines, books, and movies—responsible for informing the Amerian people about what their feelings should be when the pollsters call.

Maverick. A politician who displays disloyalty to his party and/or its leadership; i.e., a pariah.

Medication. See Drugs.

Men. 1) Obsolete: Members of the stronger sex who had achieved the ideal known as manhood. 2) See Male.

The Military. Revised Definition! The U.S. Armed Forces, including the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard. They are responsible for producing at least one ludicrous and tragic mishap per week in order to drive home the sorry state of the nation's defences and therefore drive up the Presdent's defense budget. 
MLB. Abbreviation for Major League Baseball,  an economic institution responsible for 20 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S., including the St. Lewis Carnals, the Alanta Injuns, the Newyork Yankeys, the Texus Ringers, the Philaidelphia Phollies, the Chigago White Sux, et al.

Morality. The state of being disposed toward the list of good things as opposed to the list of bad things.

Motherhood. 1)  The distinctive biological capability to bear children which demonstrates the superiority of the female sex and thus gave rise to the constitutional right of privacy. 2) The state of being a female parent and all the rights and privileges appertaining thereto.
Muslims
Moslems. Followers of the religion called Islum amd the prophet called Mahomet.
 
 

NASDAQ. Revised Definition! 1) Obsolete since sometime in 2000 Abbreviation for the term "tech-heavy NASDAQ," which is the stock exchange listing UnderNet companies whose equity has grown exponentially because they earn no profits and therefore experience none of the burdensome costs associated with the payment of income tax and dividends to shareholders. 2) Abbreviation for the term "tech-heavy NASDAQ," which is the stock exchange listing UnderNet companies whose equity has plummeted catastrophically because they earn no profits and therefore pay no dividends to shareholders.

NBA. Abbreviation for the National Basketball Association, an economic institution responsible for 40 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S. and Canadia, including the Newyork Kinks, the Bostun Celfics, the San Atonio Spurts, the Torono Rappers, the Philaidelphia Sexers, the Huston Rockers, the Los Analos Leakers, the Chigago Bullies, et al.

NEA. Abbreviation for the National Education Association, a coalition of teachers who work tirelessly for the improvement of education and the protection of teachers from assaults on their self-esteem, including assessments of their competence and job performance, merit-based compensation, and competition from private (i.e., non-union) schools.

Negative. The condition of eschewing niceness in favor of partisan politics.

NFL. Abbreviation for the National Football League, an economic institution responsible for 30 percent of the Gross National Product earned legally by Afrian-Amerians. It is organized in the form of "teams," representing Afrian Amerian job prospects in individual cities in the U.S., including the Dallus Killboys, the Clevelin Blacks (sometimes), the Tennessucky Titantics, the Dunver Buncos, the Oklahoma Raiderz, the St. Lewis Rumps, the Chigago Beers, the Wishington Native Amerians, et al.

Niceness. See Liberal.
September 11, 2001, 9/11, 911.
911. The day Ameria was attacked by terrists, thus inaugurating a Different Wurld.

Non-Partisan Politics. 1) Obsolete: Doing what is right, without regard to the positions or preferences of political parties. 2) The spin employed by Democratics in support of their political objectives.

NRA. Abbreviation for the National Semi-Automatic Rifle Association, which is a special interest acting on behalf of racist, sexist white men who want to overthrow the government by promulgating school shootings, Post Office massacres, and inner-city gang violence.

N-Word. 1) An unspeakable, unprintable, utterly unusable obscenity of a hate speech term for an unwelcome member of a certain racial minority. 2) Afrian-Amerian An epithet or term of greeting, ranging from amicable to provocative, meaning (loosely) a black person.

NYSE. Abbreviation for the Newyork Stock Exchange, the institution that manages the trading of stocks in those old-fashioned companies who seek to attract shareholders by earning profits.
.

Objective. Nonpartisan.

Obscenity. Anything which arouses unwelcome feelings of disgust and intolerance in people inclined toward good. FOR EXAMPLE: obscene sex acts (see Pornography), obscene violence, obscene prejudice, obscene profits, obscene tobacco lobbies, et al.

Obstruction of Justice. Committing illegal acts such as bribery, intimidation, extortion, blackmail, destruction of evidence,  and subornation of perjury in order to prevent law enforcement agencies or officers of the court from discovering the truth during any investigation or trial proceeding not concerned with sex or sexual conduct.

Pandering. Doing or saying whatever the latest polls report the Amerian people want you to do or say.
Pardongate
Pardongate. [Definition not to come]

Parents. Mothers, adoptive mothers, and others who may have temporary legal custody of children.

Parse. The act of trying to determine what the Presdent is misrepresenting, omitting, or lying about this time.

Partisan Politics. 1) The strenuous advocacy of any political position not favored by the person on camera right now. 2) The opposite of Non-Partisan Politics.

Party. A formal alliance among people who share essentially the same positions on political issues; the alliance commands loyalty from its members and acts in concert to elect candidates to office, pass legislation favorable to its members, defeat legislation unfavorable to its members, and destroy the careers of opponents and mavericks.

Penis. 1) The troublesome appendage which signifies and corrupts the male of the species. 2) The male organ which is in contact with the inside of a condom during an act of safe sex.

Perjury. Lying under oath about matters other than sex; it is considered unlawful except in the case of police testimony.

Personal. 1) Obsolete: Information that no one may politely seek about a friend, acquaintance or professional contact without express permission; i.e., information for which the only value to the seeker is satisfaction of curiosity. 2) Universal descriptor for any unsavory action or information which a person in public life (e.g., a politician) prefers to keep secret, especially information relating to amorous adventures, sexual proclivities and experience, drug and alcohol abuse, and criminal conduct; 3) universal descriptor for information a person other than a politician might prefer to withhold from insurance companies, banks, government agencies, legal institutions, or healthcare providers but cannot without incurring grave legal or financial consequences.

Personality. Whatever it is, apart from character, that makes a person likeable; e.g., a nice smile, sex appeal, good looks, or an ability to sound sincere about being in favor of what the polls say the people want.

Phat. Afrian-Amerian slang for 'cool.'

Physician. See Whore.

Plea Bargain. A form of justice in which a non-celebrity defendant pleads guilty to a crime only slightly more serious than the one he committed (or didn't) in order to avoid receiving a verdict of guilty for the far more serious crime the prosecutor is charging him with, based on the available evidence.

Police. Revised Definition! 1) Paid guardians of public safety and the law. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:  The mortar in the soaring edifice of state designed to protect us from dangers within and without the walls, though not from the walls themselves nor the dangers posed by mislaid bricks and misanthropic mortar.  The brave, virtuous, and (hopefully) selfless heroes who stand between us and the evil terrists within our borders.

Political. 1) Having to do with politics and/or politicians. 2) Not personal, except insofar as may be necessary to achieve desirable political ends.

Political Correctness. A system of language conventions designed to effect the appearance of love by concealing the existence of negative human feelings such as dislike, disdain, disgust, contempt, pity, revulsion, bitterness, and scorn.

Politician. Any person who receives payment for participating in politics. See also Whore.

Politics. The process by which all important decisions affecting the Amerian people are made, usually with the help of politicians.

Polls. Various mechanisms for determining the will of 260 million Amerians by calling a few hundred Amerians on the phone and asking them a number of leading questions about matters that have been splashed all over the mass media for a few days or more.

Pornography. Sexually oriented material that is arousing to males. See Obscenity. See also Bad.

Prejudice. See Discrimination.

Presdent of the United States. Revised Definition! Dubya. Sort of. Definitely.

Prescription Drugs. See Medication.

Prig. See Hypocrite.

Principle. 1) Any political point made by someone reputed or claiming to be a principled person. 2) Any prepositional phrase following the word “principle” and beginning with the word “of”: e.g., principle of fairness, principle of equality, principle of justice, etc.

Principled. Any person who does not not engage in unprincipled conduct.

Privacy: The Constitutionalprinciple that a woman’s uterus is a private place, uniquely distinguished from every other place and person in the nation by not being subject to search and seizure or any other form of government intrusion, surveillance, or control.

Private. 1) Obsolete: Nobody else’s business, period. 2) Inside the body of a woman; i.e., within the uterus, thereby commanding privacy.  (Note: the word is commonly misused as a synonym for “personal,” which—unlike “private”—retains a broad though diminishing denotation.)

Profession. 1) Obsolete: A category of service—i.e., law, medicine, education, ministry—whose practitioners must: have an avocation to their field; acquire advanced or graduate-level education to prepare them for service to others; and conduct their subsequent careers in accordance with a standard of professional ethics that transcends their economic self-interest. 2) A job category offering high income. See also Whore.

Professional Ethics. Obsolete. The standard of conduct required by practitioners of a profession; e.g., the Hippocratic Oath ("Do no harm") of the medical profession. Typically, such standards require practitioners to revere and honor their professional oath above all other ties, including marriage, company and firm affiliations, government service, and any conflicting demands or wishes of their clients.

Profits. The money companies earn for the government, some of which may, on occasion, be paid first to shareholders, who are allowed to deduct a percentage for themselves before passing it on to the government.

Program. An organized attempt, enacted by legislation, to promulgate good.

Prosecutor. A lawyer who works for the punishment of the guilty by amassing evidence of unlawful conduct, determining the appropriate charge(s), indicting some defendant for double the appropriate charge(s), and employing police testimony to obtain either a plea bargain or a conviction with the maximum possible sentence.

Prosperity. 1) Abundant cash and credit for everyone, as well as an unending supply of cool stuff to buy with it. 2) Along with Jobs, the third article of post-Christian religion.

Pseudo-Intellectual.  A person who pursues learning, ideas, and the arts for the purpose of obtaining admiration, material success, power, or invitations to the right parties. Also, any person similarly motivated who adopts the appearance of pursuing learning, ideas, and the arts.

Pundits. Those members of the mass media responsible for explaining exactly why and how the Republians are so screwed up, out of touch, divisive, and partisanthis time.

Quality of Life. Uh, you know.

Quality Time. The kind of time mothers and other parents seek to spend with their children on the days when they don't have to be in daycare; i.e., hardly any time at all.

Racial Profiling. 1) An evil practice of (mostly) Republian cops, in which detainment, harassment, or arrest is occasioned by some combination of circumstances that include the color of the detainee's skin; Revised Definition! 2) A morally ambiguous practice of federal law enforcement authorities, in which males of middle-eastern origin are detained, harassed, or arrested on suspicion that they might be middle eastern terrists.

Racist. Any white person who fails to feel or exhibit continuous uncritical love for any or all people who are not white.

Rap. 1) Phat recordings of rhymes about life.. 2)  An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

A vein of popular entertainment, often confused with music, in which practitioners demand attention to their usually sordid lives and preferences by shouting them in the form of rhymed couplets against a background of sound effects and bass beats. It is perhaps useless to point out that rhymes are to poetry what cymbals are to a symphony—often a component but never a synonym. And a profusion of cymbals is unlikely to redeem a symphony written by a sociopath, conducted by an idiot, and performed by the deaf.

Recollect.1) Obsolete To summon from memory. 2) A verb used strictly in the negative to characterize the absence of inconvenient memory; e.g., I don't recollect that conversation, I don't recollect the details of the meeting, I don't recollect any mention of possible legal issues, I don't recollect that anything of a sexual nature occurred on that occasion. See also Recollection.

Recollection. 1) Obsolete A citation from memory. 2) A noun used only in the negative to stand for an inconvenient memory that does not exist; e.g., I have no recollection of the month of July, Senator. See also Recollect.

Reformed Party. The party that isn't sure what it thinks about Democracy, as if maybe something is missing, but what the hell would that be? Communism? Fascism? Liberty? What does Papa Pyro think?

Republians. Members of the political party that favors a little less Democracy than the Democratics, or at least would prefer to see it develop more slowly, maybe five percent less and five percent more slowly.

Rights. A category of demographic privilege—based on race, gender, sexual preference, age, ethnic origin, physical or mental anomaly, motherhood, or Amerian citizenship (and since 911, even an Amerian postal address)— which entitles the claimant to extraordinary protections and interventions by the federal government, as specified by or ingeniously imputed to the Constitution of the United States; e.g., Civil Rights.

Rights Groups. Categories of people or noncorporate organizations who seek rights and other good things with the help of lobbyists in Congress; i.e., gays, women, Afrian-Amerians, teachers, labor unions, lawyers, doctors, the elderly, et al.

Right-to-Choose. The position of those who believe in the principle of privacy.

Right-to-Life. See Anti-Choice.

Right-Wing Conspiracy. Revised Definition! A tight-knit cabal of 30 million angry conservatives determined to repeal the entire Civil Rights movement, remove a woman's right to privacy, destroy the environment, eliminate taxes for the rich, and restore God and bad grades to the schools. So far, their methods for accomplishing this agenda include: 1) smiling a lot so the Democratics will stop saying such mean things about them; 2) pretending not to notice just how awful a stench the departing administration kicked up in leaving office; 3) enacting all the laws that have been proposed by liberals in recent years so there won't be anything left for the Democratics to run on; and 4) brilliantly parlaying all the resultant good will generated by the mass media into a massive reactionary leap that will succeed because... well, that part hasn't been definitely and finally worked out yet, but the first two steps are going great, aren't they? 

Role Model. A famous person—usually a movie star, musician, sports star, supermodel, lawyer, journalist, or (rarely) politician—who serves as an exemplar for young people who have no interaction of any kind with estimable adults such as parents and teachers. See also Slut.

Row V. Wade. The famous lawyer who won the right to privacy for women in the Supreme Court.

Safe Sex. 1) The ideal of virtual human intimacy—two halves of an act of coitus separated by plastic, so that satisfaction, though continually denied, may be sought with greater frequency and abandon. 2) Sex you can lie about without getting caught in either a scandal or a divorce proceeding. 3) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

When you find an unexamined oxymoron, look for a hidden viper. Sex is not safe. As one of the most intense of human experiences, it is inherently dangerous, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Hence, the thousands of years of cultural tradition which wrapped sexuality in morality, providing a degree of protection without attempting to understate the danger. Now, in our modern sophistication, we have elected to replace the wrapping—exchanging our yellowed morality for hot-pink plastic. Perhaps plastic is an improved protection for a society of children whose minds, emotions, and souls are likewise synthetic and tissue thin. According to the manufacturers, the experience of plastic sex is becoming ever closer to that of actual sex; however, there is cause to wonder if the truth might be the reverse of this. There exists an unpolled universe of dirty old men who are silently amazed by a mystery no one mentions: that intangible something in the air which smells of falling temperatures in the ardor of young men. What's going on inside those baggy pants? Or inside those tiny skintight selves? No one wants to ask; is this because we do not care? Or have we rather consented, knowingly or not, to slowly bleed to death the real cause of unsafe sex: the gender that is the unsafe sex.

Science. 1) A subject mentioned by teachers in school, usually for the purpose of encouraging positive feelings about the environment, medicine, evolution, psychology, and sexuality. 2) The religion of scientists.

Scientists. The people who look at everything under a microscope and wouldn't know what to do with the wrong end of a telescope.

Self-Esteem. The recently discovered Constitutionalright of all Amerians to have positive, uncritical feelings about themselves, regardless of any lack of learning, accomplishment, effort, discipline, talent, aspiration, or human development.

Senate. Revised Definition! The upper house of Congress, responsible for acquitting convicting the Presdent during empeachment trials, as well as for conducting trials of Supreme Court nominees. The position of Senator is traditionally referred to as a "seat," in honor of the body part Senators employ in their deliberations.

Senior Citizens. 1) The old and useless, because they're too busy doing drugs to work anymore and pay hardly any taxes, which means everyone else regards them as an annoying burden. 2) One of the most powerful of all rights groups, because they pay hardly any taxes and can therefore afford some really top-notch lobbyists, which is why all the politicians want to give them their drugs for free.

Sensitivity. See Niceness.

Sex. 1) [Liberal] Coitus; i.e., penis-in-vagina intercourse between a man and a woman. 2) [Moderate or Mainstream] Coitus and/or other acts which involve intimate touching between two people and result in climax by one or both partners. 3) [Right Wing] Any form of intimate touching, conversation, or spectating which results in the physical arousal of the Presdent. See also Safe Sex.

Sexist. Any white male who feels or expresses doubt that the only important differences between the sexes are those which reinforce the assumptive superiority of the female; e.g., the capacity to experience and express feelings, the biological capacity for motherhood, and overall sensitivity.

Sexual Harrassment. Any act or speech which causes a female to believe that an unattractive male in her work environment has positively identified her as a member of the superior sex.

Slut. 1) A female duped or paid by the vast right wing conspiracy to accuse the Presdent of sexual misconduct. 2) A celebrity who serves as a role model for young females.

Social Security. The all-important safety net for senior citizens, which the Democratics wish to preserve and the Republians (or Conservatives, anyway) wish to destroy.

Special Interests. All lobbyists who act on behalf of purveyors or proponents of bad things.

Spin.Untruth employed in politics—including lies, misrepresentations, and racially provocative innuendoes—for the advancement of justice, civil rights, safety, health, equality, love, or the careers of those who advocate such advancements.

Spinning. The act of telling political untruths.

Spinner. Professional specialist in the concocting of political untruths and the subsequent purveying of such untruths—in the form of talking points—to people who either want to believe them or can be made to believe them by hearing precisely the same words enough times..

States Rights. The right of the states to tax whatever monies the federal government fails to collect from individual citizens.

Supreme Court. That institution of the federal government charged with the responsibility for safeguarding the right to Privacy.

Talking Points. Lies packaged in the form of TV sound bites, short enough and punchy enough to be remembered by an average Amerian who hears them twenty-four times in a twenty-four hour period. See also Spin.

Tax. 1) verb To collect the monies earned by the Amerian people so that they can be spent by the government promulgating good. 2) noun The amount of money earned by the Amerian people less the amount the government permits people to waste on their own selfish desires.

Tax Cut. An irresponsible political proposal designed to take money that belongs rightfully to the government and give it away to rich people who would spend it on themselves.

Teacher. An abbreviation for the term "underpaid teacher"; i.e., a member of the NEA who protects children aged six through eighteen from damage to their self-esteem, such as might be caused by demanding instruction in reading, writing, arithmetic, algebra, geometry, geography, history, biology, chemistry, physics, foreign languages, and Anglo-Amerian literature.
Terrist
Terrist. The evildoers who must be brought to justice.
Terrorist
Terrorist. See Terrist.

Third Wurld. The most virtuous of human civilizations, acquitted of guilt for the crimes of humanity by reason of having: a. achieved no more than a subsistence level of economic prosperity; b. contributed little or nothing to the development of western civilization;  c. traded acquiescence for survival during the inevitable confrontation with a colonialist oppressor; or d. all of the above. The lowest achievers among such civilizations are also routinely accorded praise for having honored the planet's environment by failing to develop a technology capable of disturbing it. Almost certainly they will be lavished with even higher praise when their lack of innovation and adaptability causes to them to lose, at last, the basest of all human battles—the fight for survival.

Tobacco. The evil but legal drug which will kill all the smokers and all the people who are ever in the same room with smokers.

Tobacco Lobby. The special interest which acts on behalf of the tobacco company conspiracy to sell tobacco to the people who want it.

TravelGape.

Treasury Department. The department of the executive branch responsible for collecting the money of people who earn income and keeping it away from them by giving it to rights groups or to the Federal Reserve Bank; the department is additionally responsible for preventing the people from overreacting to the loss of their money by smoking too much, drinking too much, shooting too much, or assassinating the Presdent.

TV Journalism. The set of activities performed by journalists on TV, covered to the extent possible by a knowing manner and the willingness to substitute a becoming inclination toward good for the traditional print pose of objectivity. See TV Journalist. See also Journalism.

TV Journalist. 1) A person who reads the news on TV. 2) A person who comments about the news on TV. 3) A person on TV who thinks TV is the news. See Journalist. See also Whore.

TV Lawyers. Lawyers who specialize in celebrity law. See also Whore.

Uh. 1) You know. 2) An interesting but incorrect alternate definition is contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:

 
The blinking cursor of human speech, often a precursor of screen lockup and the imminent need to reboot.

UnderNet. The vast Gordian knot of computers, software, and bad spellers who have nothing better to do than sit at a keyboard pecking and hunting, usually for porn. (See the UnderNet, Hackerz Station, Shuteye Town 1999)

University. Any of numerous storage facilities for young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two, as well as the aging intellectuals who serve as their babysitters; such facilities may also include the trade schools which provide training in the jobs categories formerly designated as professions: law, medicine, architecture, teaching, and ministry, as well as the would-be professions of business and journalism.

Unlawful. Not completely full of law, subject to interpretation by lawyers.

Unnamed Sources. Any rumor anyone in Wishington can make up, drunk or sober, but preferably drunk.

Unprincipled. Anyone who dares to oppose or attack the person who is on camera right now.

Uterus. A rambunctious organ in the female body which occasionally assembles unwanted collections of private genetic material, as well as the most darling little babies.
 
 

Vagina. 1) The miraculous passageway whose portals instantaneously transform a fetus into a baby. 2) The female organ which is in contact with the outside of the condom during an act of safe sex. 3) Two interesting but incorrect alternate definitions are contained in the following entry penned by the Nutz Station Journal columnist known as The Gadfly:
 

a. The Garden of Eden; i.e., the dark but deceptively comforting cave in which Mankind was conceived, from which he was ejected by a demanding father, and to which he repeatedly attempts—when his courage or imagination is too sorely tried—to return. b. The emergent controlling metaphor of human destiny, exemplifying the static ideals of physical safety and thoughtless being, which have been elevated as replacements for the dynamic questing and creating once sanctified by the senescent (and now impotent) controlling metaphor of the phallus.

Virtual. 1) Sort of, but not really. 2) Universal descriptor for anything which happens on the Undernet.
 
 

Watergape. The Mount Everrest of political scandals, as brilliantly executed by Richard Nixxon. Subsequent Presdents have done their best to live up to this intimidating standard, but the relative puniness of their efforts has served only to reinforce the stark fact that a scandal on the scale of Watergape is just possibly beyond the reach of ordinary mortals. Only Bill Clitton has come close to putting a dent in the record, but not with a single Great Pyramid of a scandal; rather, he has artfully strung together an unending series of lesser stinks that build to a noisome climax with the empeachment trial of 1999. Will the sum total be good enough to provide him with the legacy he seeks so desperately? Or will history demote his hoped for mountain range of scandals to a line of forgettable moral molehills? Only time can answer the question.

Waterwhite Scandal. The unfortunate by-product of the only attempt ever made by Bill Clitton to earn money from a source outside the government. Back when Clitton was governor of Arklahoma, he and Hillery formed a real-estate partnership with their friends Jim and Susan McDoe, and then they allowed the McDoes to purchase some swampland with the idea of reselling it for big bucks. Unhappily, the swampland (nicknamed Waterwhite) turned out to be situated in Arklahoma, not Florda, and nobody bought any. So Bill and Hillery split the costs of the project with their friends, allowing the McDoes to make the interest and principal payments while the Clittons wrote the losses off their income tax. For years, no one cared about this except the McDoes, but then some reporters from the Newyork Times and Wishington Post went down to Arklahoma looking for dirt and found it at Waterwhite, wrapped up in a big white ribbon by the vast right wing conspiracy. For the next few months reporters had all kinds of fun talking to unnamed sources who told them that while the McDoes were making all the Waterwhite payments, Hillery did some legal work at the Rosabud Law Firm for an S&L owned by Jim McDoe, including getting him special treatment with an Arklahoma regulatory agency. Of course, the Rosabud Law Firm couldn't confirm or disprove any of this because they had given all of the firm's billing records to Hillery for safekeeping. When the journalists asked her about this, Hillery replied that she had never heard of the McDoes, the Rosabud Law Firm, or the state of Arklahoma. While nobody wanted to accuse the First Lady of lying, the press was starting to get suspicious. Something had to be done, so Bill decided that the first priority was to get an informed legal opinion about how serious the problems were. When he asked deputy White House Counsel Vince Fodder to look into the Waterwhite records and get back to him with some recommendations, Fodder looked into the records and killed himself. When they'd all thought about this turn of events for a while, George Steppinfetchoulos said the best way to handle it would be to have Janet Rambo name an independent counsel to look into it, and then maybe the independent counsel would kill himself and thereby put an end to the scandal once and for all. Unluckily for Clitton, Kennel Star never did kill himself.

Whatever. All the facts, details, explanations, questions, challenges, inferences, judgments, comparisons, conclusions, and thoughts that might be articulated if you cared to have a conversation about some topic, but you don't, so you say 'whatever' instead, because it simply does not matter.

Whore. 1) A person—usually female—who trades her sexual favors for money. 2) A member of a profession—usually a doctor, lawyer, or journalist—who trades his professional ethics for money, power, or fame. 3) A politician.

Wife. The partner in a marriage, usually female, who lies about orgasms and headaches.

Will of the Amerian People. See Polls.

Wisdom. Obsolete 1) The state of knowing the differences between right and wrong, aspiration and ambition, fulfillment and satiety, moderation and fear, virtue and conformity, humility and weakness, bravery and recklessness, passion and hysteria, resolve and rigidity, meaning and sententiousness, superstition and sacrament, truth and rhetoric, and (between) wisdom and arrogance. 2) ???????????????????... Uh, whatever.

Womb. What the uterus is called when the collection of genetic material it contains is considered a baby.

Women. 1) Obsolete: Members of the weaker sex who have reached full physical maturity. 2) Members of the female sex. See Female.

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